I want to keep but he doesn’t

[TeddyBearsMum1987]

I am 7 weeks pregnant, I have a 3 year old son with my partner and he has a 12 year old daughter who lives with us half of the week. My partner is adamant he does not want another child right now, his reasons are that he is not mentally or physically in the right place for another child and he doesn’t get enough time with the current two (we both work full time).
We have for nearly two years used no contraception but avoided my ovulation week and it has worked. I have clearly ovulated irregularly last cycle so this pregnancy is unplanned.
I had a termination when I was 21, but now having had my son I feel very differently. I am absolutely pro choice but now I am recognising symptoms and similarities from my last pregnancy and I’m already attached to this baby and I want to keep it.
If I go through with this pregnancy I give him a child he doesn’t want for the rest of his life, we probably split up because I have gone against him and how do we explain that later in life - his 12 year old is surely going to understand the pregnancy is involved - how could two children be wanted and the third not will they blame the new baby for splitting up their family?
I am booked for a surgical termination in 2.5 weeks - the hospital staff were clear that they didn’t think this is what I wanted and if I arrive as emotional as I did for my first appointment they may refuse to treat me.
If I do proceed with the termination I fear we will break up anyway - I’m not sure I can forgive him or myself.
So which is fairer? Both decisions could lead to me splitting up the family, one by killing this baby and one by having this baby complicating my partners life and raising a child who one day may find out he/she wasn’t wanted.
We are not communicating at all he is kind in the mornings when I am sick and is doing most of the housework as I am either in bed or on the sofa - when no one is here all I do is cry. I have clinical depression and have managed it for some time with medication but this situation has thrown me backwards and I can’t concentrate at home or work and am tearful all day. Whatever I decide I can’t see how it gets better!

You poor thing. I think whatever you do, your relationship with him will never be the same again. He's pretty stupid not to think this may have happened using no contraception and all. I think he needs to face the consequences of his actions and you've got every right to want - and keep this baby. So please put yourself and your baby first, not him.

You've not forced anything on him. Take care.

Whatever you decide your relationship is forever changed - it will never be the same again - he ll either resent you for keeping it or you'll resent him for terminating

I don't think it's just him that has been "pretty stupid" - you both were since you've been having unprotected sex for so long. do you think part of you subconsciously was happy not to use protection as you were happy to get pregnant and thought he might come around to the idea?

Tell him you're keeping it if that's what you want and then give him some space to get used to the idea

Oh, bless you. You poor thing. Please hang on in there. This will definitely get better, but right now get a hot water bottle and wallow in Netflix and cry. I'm sorry but you just have to get through this bit somehow.

My goodness. What a situation. So, if I'm understanding right - you and he have a 3 year old son, and live together with him. Your partner also has a 12 yr old daughter, and she's with you guys quite a lot of the time - 3/4 days a week. Now you're pregnant and he is totally against it.

OK: first thing. You absolutely want the baby and don't want an abortion. So, you need to stick to that. The hospital staff are quite right. They would hate to do this to you. And you have depression. OMG if you have an abortion as well, it will finish you off (I don't care what the pro-'choice' MNetters say to this - they'll crucify me - but it's what I think/know, so stuff them). I had an abortion against my wishes when I was 21 and it totally ruined my life (I'm not joking). I could barely function, had to give up my job, everything. And the rest. And I didn't have depression or your situation.

I would seriously advise against it. I'm restraining myself from giving all the reasons, but you said it - it is proper killing, and I know, as went through it. : (

So: next thing. Men, a lot of men, totally freak at a pregnancy. They go on and on for weeks, hoping for an easy exit (silent, simple abortion) They think it'll be far easier to pick up the pieces (i.e., you) than have the baby.

But if you just keep saying 'I love you and would do anything for you apart from that', they sort of get the message. When you actually just carry on with the pregnancy, they do get the message.

And when the baby is born ............ they generally love him or her. TBH I personally don't know of any guy who doesn't love their kid. Why shouldn't they? Just because they didn't give birth, doesn't mean to say it's not their kid.

So (again): I think the strongest likelihood, whatever he says now, is that he'll end up loving the baby just fine. However, he may be angry with you.

It's hard to tell, without knowing you both. I just think that abortion isn't really an option for you. So this now is about managing the pregnancy and him and your life, and being ready just to weather whatever storm you have to, to have, love and protect your new baby.

I hope it goes ok. This is just a transition period. Trust me, from what you've said you shouldn't for one second consider abortion. Forget it.

(I'm risking my neck by saying that, because on here you're mostly not allowed to be pro-pregnancy - there's this whole crazy 'a fetus is just a ball of cells and has no rights and is nothing' thing going on - absolute bollocks, I'm afraid, is what I think of that!) (The Emperor's new clothes with bells on)

Disclaimer: The opinion expressed here is only mine, and I realise that many MNetters will disagree and think I'm an idiot. That's ok : D

Oh and if he was having unprotected sex ...... he knew what he was doing.

There's a lot now about how we ovulate in response to sperm. So basically, if we have sex after our period and before ovulation, we can easily ovulate early as stimulated to do so by the presence of sperm.

I have two kids by that method!! : ) (not my method - my body just did it!)

So don't feel bad about how it happened. Your body just responded and got the job done. Let it finish what it started.

Worst case scenario is you end up a single parent to a young child and a baby and living with clinical depression, and trying to manage on your own.

If you feel that is a viable option to you then you have to keep the baby.

Just be aware that you are likely to be a single parent, if this is ok then go ahead. You were both stupid for not using contraception though!

I am so sorry to hear this, have you asked why your partner doesn't think he can handle another one or what fear he has over another baby? Have you told him how you feel? Tell him your baby wil be a little brother or sister for your 3 year old to play with and be really close friends.There will be a close enough an age gap that they are likely to play with similar toys. There are loads of benefits to having a sibling quite close in age you can tell him.

Even if that doesn't persuade your partner,
I honestly think once the baby is born, he will love his and your child. It's harder for men to bond as they don't go through pregnancy and he is probably feeling overwhelmed but after the birth it will be so different as he can hold the baby, give cuddles etc. Many men think of abortion as the easy way out when they hear the news of a pregnancy but it affects the woman so much that they don't understand. So many women have an abortion because they are pressured to and not because they want to. Don't let him pressure you as it's not at all fair on you or the baby.