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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

Partner wants me to get an abortion, please help!!

25 replies

Tiredofthis1 · 29/08/2019 09:29

I recently found out I was pregnant (about 6 weeks along) he is adamant on not having it saying it’s the wrong time and he wants to do it properly with it being planned so we can be happy when it does happen. We have been together 5 years, I’m 24 and he is 30 but We don’t live together as we are wanting to buy somewhere, when the baby is due we still won’t have enough to buy so he said if I went along with the pregnancy I would have to stay at my current flat without him as there’s not enough room and he doesn’t want to move in, he also said he could see himself resenting me for pushing him into something his not ready for, I have a nearly 7 YO from a previous relationship and I’m just so lost as to what to do, we love each other immensely but this situation is effecting us, the thought of aborting this baby saddens me deeply but I feel so much pressure into having an abortion that I’m torn and beginning to wonder if maybe he is right? Please any advise would be appreciated :-( x

OP posts:

Geog1985 · 29/08/2019 09:39

It’s YOUR body and so ultimately, it’s your choice.

But, you have to accept, if you keep it that he may not stick around as it seems he is really not wanting the baby. He could be scared BUT you do have to factor him in A’s from your post, I don’t know if he will stick around/be supportive if you do keep it.

Also consider your 7YO and whether you can afford, financially and emotionally to bring up two children, potentially without the full support of your DP.

Sending so much love, xxxx

Original poster

Tiredofthis1 · 29/08/2019 10:04

Thank you so much for replying, I manage great with my 7 yo, I work part time and bring in a decent wage so we have money spare to have lovely days out etc, she would be an amazing big sister which makes the decision even harder. This is the biggest decision I have had to make, I know I could do it on my own but I wouldn’t choose to. I feel I have to pick between him and this little bean inside me and I just can’t help feeling like it just isn’t fair .xx

OP posts:

AmIThough · 29/08/2019 10:10

He will resent you if you don't have an abortion, but will you resent him if you do?
Could your relationship survive? Would you want it to?

I know it's really tough but you need to do what's right for you.
I'm sorry OP, it's a really hard position to be in

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 29/08/2019 10:11

he also said he could see himself resenting me for pushing him into something his not ready for,

And you won't resent him for pushing you into an abortion you don't want?

If you want this pregnancy, then keep it. Personally I don't think I could forgive or a love man who pressured me into aborting a baby I wanted.

Assume the relationship will end either way. Then chose what you want. He might pull himself together and be a committed partner and father after all, or he might not. But I would feel pretty certain that aborting the baby will spell the end of the relationship also.

Can you access counseling to help you decide?

Geog1985 · 29/08/2019 10:37

@WishingILivedOnAnIsland

‘If you want this pregnancy, then keep it. Personally I don't think I could forgive or a love man who pressured me into aborting a baby I wanted’

This. 100%.

Original poster

Tiredofthis1 · 29/08/2019 10:41

Thank you for your messages, I can’t tell you how much it means. I feel protective of it already, maybe because I’m already a mother I don’t no but I know if I abort this baby I will never be the same again, I’m going to the doctors today to talk through everything, my partner said he is really knuckling down with saving and being there for me after seeing how upset iv been about this but is still sure it’s the wrong thing to do, am I being selfish for the way that I am feeling/thinking? I’m trying to stay understanding of his opinion but my own thoughts are eating me up because he doesn’t see a way for us to be able to have the baby and it working so I’m keeping my mouth shut on my own emotions xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Tiredofthis1 · 29/08/2019 10:43

@WishingILivedOnAnIsland your statement is so true, i feel anger towards him with pretty much giving me an ultimatum on him or the baby, I don’t no if I will ever be able to forgive him if I go through with an abortion xx

OP posts:

chocpop · 29/08/2019 10:46

Your choice. If you want the baby, keep it.

He sounds like a dick though and I'd be reconsidering the relationship. You can't plan life.

Original poster

Tiredofthis1 · 29/08/2019 10:55

Chocpop, it’s so true, you really can’t plan life and when is it really ever the right time to have a baby in all essence it never is, I raised my DD on my own at 17 and iv gone a fab job of that, it’s so hard because I love him, if those feelings weren’t involved I wouldn’t even second guess what I would do. I just feel so sad and guilty for this little thing xx

OP posts:

Whosorrynow · 29/08/2019 11:01

He's fobbing you off, he wants to stay in a relationship with you because it's convenient and it suits him, but he doesn't want to have a child together.
Obviously he's free to make that choice for himself but it is is not acceptable to lie to you and in so doing remove your ability to choose whether you want to be a parent...he will just keep fobbing you off and saying not yet not yet meanwhile your and his fertility will be declining

he's trying to manipulate you so that he can get what he wants at your expense.

Whosorrynow · 29/08/2019 11:06

There is no mutually acceptable way forward here, no one should be forced to be a parent to a child if they don't want to be be but equally you should not be forced to terminate pregnancy if you want to continue with it.
Ultimately I suppose you have the stronger case because he was happy to have sex knowing that a pregnancy could occur, but if you choose to go ahead you are choosing to raise a child single handedly
There are no easy options here.

Sunflowers211 · 29/08/2019 11:06

You are being bullied by your partner to have a termination @Tiredofthis1

That's not acceptable. Your choice not his. He should of took more care with his contraception if he did not want a baby.

You do not need him at all to bring your baby up. Please do not choose a man who would bully you like this, your opinion here is the only one that matters.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 29/08/2019 11:08

This is a man who is trying his best to manipulate and force you into having a baby expelled from your body. A baby that you would very much like to keep by the sound of things. And with absolutely no regard for the physical and emotional pain that would cause you.

I know who I would be getting rid of, and it wouldn’t be the baby.

beachcitygirl · 29/08/2019 11:31

I want to reach through the Internet and give you a hug. It is YOUR choice. I am extremely pro-choice. But just that, a woman's right to choose. You clearly don't want an abortion so do NOT have one to please this man child.
I doubt you will forgive him if you do.
He may or may not come around to the pregnancy. I would assume you will be doing it alone but i already hate him for making you feel like this. Good luck op

Jamhandprints · 29/08/2019 11:57

You are "still sure it’s the wrong thing to do"
If you feel like this an abortion would be very traumatic for you. Your partner may be able to forget about it after but you never will.
You want your baby. So an abortion isn't really an option for you.
He is probably just scared and immature, he may grow up when the baby is born but If he's not ready to make a commitment to you after 5 years he may never be.

TeaForDad · 29/08/2019 12:01

Neither of you made the right precautions and you should decide together.
Don't flame me, but I think you should consider it and in future you could think again

Original poster

Tiredofthis1 · 29/08/2019 12:34

Thank you for responding, we have never had a serious issue happen between us so this is a very testing moment, either way one of us will be upset/hurt, I’m a strong believer in everything happens for a reason and I can’t help thinking this is a some sort of sign, iv been to the doctors and she is transferring me for a dating scan as it needs to be done either way but that won’t happen for a couple more weeks so at least I can have this time to think, I feel heartbroken atm it’s so difficult xx

OP posts:

HeyMonkey · 29/08/2019 12:42

It's very difficult.

There is another thread running at the moment where the man didn't want it, she kept it, and now he resents it.

It's going to be unfair on 1 person whichever way it ends. One of you wants it, the other doesn't. Neither is right.

I would say only keep it if you're happy to be a single parent without his input.

Whosorrynow · 29/08/2019 12:43

Ultimately you have a right to go ahead with this pregnancy but you should think seriously about how your life will be as a single parent.
You cannot expect this man to take an active role as a parent if he does not want to be a parent
however he will still have to support the child financially; ultimately he made the decision to have sex and sex can result in a pregnancy, once a woman is pregnant she can choose to continue with the pregnancy irrespective of his wishes.
He may well be uncooperative when it comes to having to provide financial support and you should take this possibility into account when you make your decision.
It looks like here are no easy or straightforward solutions to this dilemma.

Coconutbug · 29/08/2019 12:44

Please dont let him pressure you into something you don't want to do. From reading your messages I think you will be very sad if you do go through with it. He will either come around or he's not right for you. There's never a perfect time to have a baby. How do you feel about having another one? I think you can still be happy about it even if it wasn't planned.

Michelleoftheresistance · 29/08/2019 12:53

Which ever one of you 'wins' the other will resent it: that's a sunk cost, you can't change that outcome.

But only one of you has their own body involved, either outcome involves only one of you doing something very significant to their body and being very physically, personally affected, and that means the owner of that body needs to make the best and right choice for themselves. If you are pressured into doing something you don't want to do with your body it is going to affect your relationship permanently anyway.

Do what is right for you and your body. I agree completely with pp, he will either accept it or he's not right for you.

Original poster

Tiredofthis1 · 29/08/2019 14:47

Iv already had a date through for a scan at the hospital to see how far I am, I have until the 10th of September to decide, I feel like I know what I want to do in my heart of hearts it’s just the fear of telling my partner that I don’t think I want the abortion he is expecting me to have xx

OP posts:

Michelleoftheresistance · 29/08/2019 16:40

I'm so sorry you're forced between a rock and a hard place. Please do what is right for you and not what anyone else expects, this is your body.

Raphael34 · 29/08/2019 16:45

He’s a grown man, you’ve been with each other for years. You sound financially stable. He needs to deal with the consequences of of being in a sexual relationship. He should not be blackmailing you into aborting this baby. You clearly don’t want to do it. You may have to rethink/replan your lives for the time being, but you should not abort this baby because of him

Mum2babygirl · 29/08/2019 21:57

This reply has been deleted

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