Ex forcing me to get an abortion

[princessree]

Hi all

I really need some support and advice. I am nearly 12 weeks pregnant and unfortunately have split up with my boyfriend as he has lots of anger issues and says really horrible things to me all the time. When we were together he was working hard to save money for the baby, would talk to my belly and seemed to love the little thing growing inside me, I also feel like I have started to bond and get so excited thinking of names and things.

Since ending the relationship he has basically said if I don't get rid of the baby he will make my life a living hell, I will never be able to move on and he will challenge me at every single time. He has also made threats to tell the midwives I have taken drugs (I've not) and saying he wants children's services involved. He said that if I don't provide proof I've had a termination I will hear from his solicitor. This is completely breaking me, I feel like I will be completely devastated aborting the baby but also don't have it in me for battles and feel it would be unfair for the baby to bring it into a toxic situation. It's so horrible as it isn't my choice and I'm being backed into a corner, if anyone had any advice or has been in a similar situation I'd really appreciate it.

Thank you x

Do not allow yourself to be coerced into anything you don't want. Nothing wrong with a termination but only if it is your choice. Even if you abort, the trust is gone. He sounds like a mean bully who has no business being in a relationship

It’s not his choice, it is yours, ignore his threats if you can, concentrate on what you want, listen to your heart and you will make the right decision, use support of family/friends, you must be feeling very vulnerable and confused but please don’t let him bully you into anything xx

He cannot force you. If he threatens you, ring police. "Hearing from his solivitor" is crap, ignore it. No solicitor is gonna tell you to have an abortion. That's nonsense. Literally not a thing.
Tell your doctor and midwife exactly what's happening.
They will be able to refer you to support.
Pregnancy choices are entirely yours.
If he keeps harassing you, talk to police about a non molestation order.
Best of luck

(Disclaimer: obviously it's fine to have an abortion if that's what YOU want. Based on what you've written, it really doesn't sound like that's the case.)

I've been in a similar situation. I kept the baby. I am very, very glad I did not have an abortion. My ex makes a nuisance of himself but DC is more than worth it. It's completely manageable and help is out there for dealing with it. DC is a happy little thing and is surrounded by love.

The stuff about him sending a solicitor unless he has proof you've had an abortion is a meaningless threat. You're under no obligation, legal or otherwise, to have an abortion.

The solicitor nonsense he spouted makes me think that probably (hopefully) most of his ranting is no more than empty threats designed to intimidate you.

Please tell your midwife/GP what he has been doing and ask them for support. Also, I'd recommend getting your own legal advice. If you can't afford it then you may be entitled to Legal Aid, or meanwhile you can call Rights of Women up for free.

Re: children's services: Social Services are very used to dealing with malicious calls from exes etc. All that will happen is he gets a black mark against his name (if he keeps that sort of thing up), and they may offer you friendly support.

When I suggested getting legal advice, I don't mean that it's vital for you to have it at this stage. I just personally found it helpful to arm myself with knowledge about realistic rights/expectations and possible legal avenues to pursue if ex got particularly nasty (eg non molestation order as mentioned above).

Keep a written diary of dates/times and what he says. Screenshot any messages he sends you.

Def keep a record of anything he says, sends etc. You might need it in the future.

This is your choice and yours alone.

Thank you so much for all the replies, it's just so horrible how one moment he can say he loves the baby but if we're not together he's threatening me to get an abortion but if I dare keep it he would want to take it off me. I honestly can't fathom people, I would just be terrified he would use the child as a way to hurt me and get back at me as it already so precious to me, my mum thinks I am already being a good mum if I can go through with the termination as it would be cruel to bring a baby into this situation but it's so hard as it's not my choice.

I'm sorry for going on, but thank you for the kind words and advice. Xx

Try to cancel out the voices around you and work out what you yourself want. It’s so important not to be being pressurised by anyone, including your mum.

Your mum is right up to a point: you would be acting with the baby’s interests at heart if you have a termination.

But you’d also be being acting as a good mum with baby’s best interests at heart by leaving your ex in order to protect the baby (which you’d keep) from his behaviour.

Either way, you’re looking out for your baby. So decide what scenario is better for you: no baby, and potentially feeling very devastated about that, but completely free of ex forever; or, with baby but potentially having ex in your lives in some shape or form. I’m so sorry, it’s a horrible dilemma.

As I said, I went with the second option and am so pleased; but no two situations are the same

but it's so hard as it's not my choice.

It absolutely IS your choice, NOT his!!!

Sorry you're in this situation OP. Your ex is behaving horribly and I think you have to assume he would continue to do so and be very disruptive, not necessarily pay any child support etc.

So you have to decide whether you want the baby enough in these circumstances or whether you choose to abort. Neither is right or wrong. Consider how you will pay for the baby, where you will live, work options etc. Maybe make a list of fors and againsts keeping it.

A lot of his threats are just bullying, but equally he would likely be a stress and nuisance in your life if you have the baby. Dont agree to a relationship with him though, he is very manipulative and abusive.