Struggling after abortion

[Nicnicj20]

My partner and I have been together for 10 years. We had previously tried to have a baby together (we both have children from previous relationships) with no luck. After so long we just presumed we couldn’t have children.
I have recently gone back to university and became a teacher to help us financially and to achieve my dream. Then in January we found out I was expecting. This was a massive shock but deep down I had an overwhelming feeling of love already. I knew we weren’t in a position now to have another child (all our children are teenagers, our house is too small, we weren’t financially stable as I was at uni and it would mean I couldn’t start the job I’d been offered in Sept) and apart from my work colleagues I had no other support. My mum was especially against this.
Although I knew we had to have the baby aborted this was soul destroying for me. I had to think of our other children and our future and put them first. I’ve always struggled to provide for them, I wanted to give them the life they deserved. This was THE hardest, most painful thing I’d ever had to do. I went to the clinic and they gave me the tablets. I still wasn’t sure of my decision, but put my family and career first and went ahead with it. I thought it had worked but still felt so ill. I went back to the clinic and after a scan they found I was still pregnant. This meant I had to go back to the clinic and have surgery to remove the baby. I felt I had no support from my partner. He left me alone to deal with all this and went to play football etc. Life went on for him as I was just having a breakdown. My life was crumbling but I continued to work as much as I could so I didn’t have to extend my studies. This gave me focus or so I thought.

Now, 5 months later, I am still struggling. Wondering what I’d look like now if I was still pregnant, wondering how my unborn child would be growing, wondering what my baby would be like when they were born. I’m just not coping.
My partner still does not understand. He just says, ‘I don’t get why you’re like this, one minute you’re ok, the next you’re like this! We made the right decision, it must be your hormones.’
I want to scream out how I wish I was still pregnant, how I wish I was still having his baby but no one understands. I feel no relief, only pain.

@Nicnicj20 so sorry you're suffering 💐 five months is a short time. Were you offered counselling? You may still be able to access it if you didnt use it previously.

I think it seems common that partners dont feel the same. It is very hard to be the one who takes the tablets/operation/bleeding etc. It is much more 'real'. My abortion was only two months ago, I have split from the boyfriend but he definitely didnt feel sadness. It is very hard when you would have liked to keep the baby. I was the same. I have some notes written that say why I felt I had to do it, I use them to remind myself, although sometimes the practical issues like small home etc seem less important now.

I also feel very up and down. Some days I feel fine, happy almost, other days (or at night) I feel bereft. I have found that keeping busy, focussing on work etc can help distract me.

@LittleMermaid1 thank you for your reply. It's good to know I'm not on my own. I was starting to feel weird for feeling the way I do. It's such a tough thing to go through, especially when it's something I never thought I'd do.
I was offered counselling but no, I never used it. Maybe it's time I did. Just don't feel brave enough at the moment.
I'm maybe feeling worse because I'm not at work with it being the holidays...more time to think and process what's actually happened and what could have been.
Thank you again for your response, I really do appreciate it xx

Hi OP,

I feel your pain i really do I also had an abortion 5 months ago and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do! I still feel broken from it (although better than I was in the first few months) and although I didn’t really have another choice because of the relationship I was in and my own personal finances I still find myself thinking about my baby and how I would look now etc... it really hurts. So I don’t have any advice but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone :) I hope you can find some peace and healing x

@lollionice thank you for your message. I'm also sorry that you're struggling too. It's a very strange feeling to go through and I'm just not sure how to or if I'll ever get over this. Sending lots of love to yourself and @LittleMermaid1 xxx

Thanks @Nicolajane25, @lollionice I'm sorry you are suffering too.

I am also on holiday from work a bit with my dc for their summer holidays, it is definitely the hardest time as there is too much time to think...I have had lot of good advice/tips about not fantasizing about what could have been, not worrying as was the best of decision of two non ideal options etc, but sadly I think my heart doesnt always listen to my head.

@LittleMermaid1 my heart certainly doesn't listen to my head. Unfortunately xx

honestly I don’t have advice as I feel the same way- it is shit. I don’t think men feel it on the same level. It is a very painful loss to carry, I hope we all start to feel better soon

My heartfelt sympathy for you op. Have you sought any counselling. You are probably struggling so much because the baby was so wanted by you and you felt you had no choice. Added to that your mum and dp hasnt supported you through it. I think best you seek some counselling. One day at a time.

@WineInTheSun I hope you start to feel better too. Sending lots of love and thank you for your reply xx

@GiveMeHope103 I do think counselling is the way forward for me, just need to fight the fear and actually do it. Thank you for your reply xx

I really relate to your situation, even down to finishing teacher training and knowing that I wouldn't be able to start my job in September.
I feel regretful, I wish desperately I hadn't done it now, despite knowing it was the right thing at the time. I'm sorry you dont feel supported by your partner, however I think feeling like this is okay, we are essentially grieving. Wish I could help more

I also found out I was pregnant in January and terminated as it seemed the best thing for my family. DC are at primary school. I terminated as I felt I was already struggling to be a good mum to my existing DC and I felt selfish for wanting to carry on. I am really struggling atm. I also think the summer holidays don’t help. Multiple child families everywhere doing idyllic things and I wonder why I didn’t feel I would cope when others do.

Vinegar girl, can I ask how you feel now early 3 years later? Iam in exactly the same position as you and have recently gone through this in exactly the same circumstances (not sure of ur age but I am 41 feeling I didn't really want to start again with a reception school run at 46 and primary school run til 52 - kids are tiring and i work full time so just felt I wouldn't have been the best mum to both as at the moment Iam a good mum to my DC). At the time I thought it was for the best although was a very very hard decision but we were both certain and I understand those reasons but now iam really struggling and keep crying all the time. The guilt I feel is immense for my daughter and for the baby. I was just wondering if it gets easier and you do feel differently at some point? I understand exactly what u mean about holidays aswell with multiple kid families as I notice this and it makes me feel sometimes like there was something wrong with me feeling I couldn't cope with more then one with working but then I think we are not all the same are we and not everything you see is real is it, everyone has struggles you know nothing about xx

Just jumping in here to say I am over 3 years on from my termination. My husband didn't want it and I waited until 14 weeks (and after a healthy ultra sound) to have the termination because it was so hard to make the decision. It has been a horrendous 3 years. Although I am now feeling a lot better, our marriage hasn't really been the same. The only way I can cope with the decision now is to think why would I want to have a 3rd child when my husband didn't want it. And I'd rather be a single mother to two kids than three. We are still together but I just don't feel the same about our marriage.

Just to add, I also beat myself up about how come all these other mothers seem to handle their kids fine. Why can't I be like that etc. The guilt and self-loathing has been horrendous. I am sorry others are going through this but it is comforting to know I am not alone.

I has got easier over the past three years. I am glad I don't have a three year old right now - especially during this pandemic - but the trauma will stay with me always .I had to be sedated before the termination as I was so distressed. I almost killed myself aftewards. It has been horrendous. I am glad I am not in that place any more even though I still have the grief, it is not as sharp.

Hi iam so sorry you have gone through this the last 3 years. Men and women are so different in how they feel about things. My other half kps saying that we now need to look forward and move on to get past it but I feel like I can't also. It must have been so hard to have an ultrasound and then make that choice. I myself waited until 12 weeks as I could not decide and if iam honest with myself I really didn't want to do either. I think age along with working full time and me already struggling was a big factor as I felt I just wouldn't be a gd mum to both stressed all the time. Financially also things would have changed and it would have been a massive change in our lives and the plans we had. My relationship has been strained the last year also and before I found out I was pregnant I actually gave him an ultimatum... Help more or il do it on my own. I was the same I felt I could support us fully if he didnt listen but with a baby also then I wouldn't, I'd be reliant. I came home tonight and my partner has bkd me for counselling as feels I nd to spk to someone to help me so he is trying. Can I ask did you try counselling and do you feel it helped? I also feel the trauma of what I went through will never leave me, Im not eating sleeping and I just kp crying. Iam just consumed with guilt x

nice to know I am not alone. I did psychotherapy for three years and it really helped. Expensive though!
my husband has resisted counselling for year (he has issues with vulnerability etc). He now wants to try and I am too exhausted to after asking for years.
The crying has stopped for me. I try to think how the abortion forced me to address aspects of my life that were dysfunctional eg: why was it that I let myself be bullied by my husband?
I also didn't know what I wanted in terms of keeping the baby. Actually, I knew I did want it but I was shit scared and without my husband's support I couldn't do it. It is complicated, as life always is.
I think part of the grief is about grieving for an ideal that you can't achieve.

Hi ladies
I posted another thread on here about abortion regret . I had 2 abortions with my last partner . To this day I regret them and wish I’d been a stronger women to just keep the babies. Looking back I don’t even know how I went through 2 abortions as I’m such a sensitive person and it’s completely broken my heart. Now I have nothing to do with that man and am a single mum ( we already had one child together and I had 3 from previous relationship). I’m so much happier on my own without him I actually hate him now. But will always live with the regret and pain of getting rid of my own babies. I to also look at other families with kids or single mums and think why wasn’t I strong enough to do that ? Some mums on here have 5 or more kids and I wish I could have done it. I actually didn’t want more kids but I’d of rather had the baby than an abortion. I just rushed into it with no counselling and not enough thought. Mainly because I was trying to rush before the 6 weeks and I soon as I felt the morning sickness I didn’t think I could do it again. Anyway mine were 9 years and 5 years ago. I will never get over but am now waiting for counselling. I was hoping to find a support group to speak to other women in the same situation but haven’t found anything like that. It’s a shame as I think we suffer alone for years. I didn’t even realise there were other mums in my situation until I found this website. Take care of yourselves ladies ❤️