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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

TFMR - please help

14 replies

GiveMeHope103 · 25/07/2019 15:34

Hi mn, I'm 20wks pregnant and this has been the most devastating week for us. I had my anomaly scan with the fetal specialist and she discovered a possible achondroplasia. The femurs were considerably less than the normal range as well as the Bowing of the legs was very prominent. I then saw my gynaecologist who specializes in high risk and complicated pregnancies and he also said that it's most likely the case. The procedure is to rescan, which is next week to confirm a diagnosis. He has already sent us to a counseling session to discuss the options. He then met with us again this morning to discuss. In the mean time DH and I have been discussing this and have come to the heartbreaking decision of not continuing the pregnancy. I will be doing the rescan next Wednesday and he will probably schedule the hysterotomy for Thursday. Has anyone had one and what is the recovery like. I am broken.

OP posts:

Original poster

GiveMeHope103 · 25/07/2019 16:54

Bump

OP posts:

hotired · 25/07/2019 16:56

I'm afraid I don't have any experience of this but wanted to bump for you in case anyone else does. So sorry you're going through such a difficult time

Original poster

GiveMeHope103 · 26/07/2019 16:57

Bump

OP posts:

MNHQ

LilyMumsnet · 26/07/2019 17:58

Hi OP

We are so, so sorry that you are going through this. We're going to move your thread over to our pregnancy choices topic, because we think you'll get a lot more advice there.

Hugtheduggee · 26/07/2019 20:53

That's dwarfism isn't it?
I'm sure you have, but have you had a look into support groups for parents with children with dwarfism etc. It would obviously have an effect on their life but it's not life threatening, or incompatible with life. They'd be able to go to a normal school, have friends, go to uni, be independent and have a job etc.

Its totally understandable that it's a shock and you are wondering about this, but most TMFRs are because it would be cruel to the baby to continue or futile to continue, or because of the huge burdens of raising some children with disabilities. Dwarfism doesn't fall under any of those categories, and so I just think you need to be even more sure.

If you do go ahead, you might have to move quickly, because I'd be surprised if you could terminate beyond 24 weeks given the nature of the condition.

LittleMermaid1 · 26/07/2019 23:10

Hi OP, so sorry that you are going through this 💐 I have had a termination but it was earlier, it isn't easy and I'm really sorry. If you go ahead there is specialist counselling which can help a lot.

Original poster

GiveMeHope103 · 27/07/2019 11:56

Hi Hug, yes it's a type of dwarfism but we arent sure the extent of it as well as the complications that may arise later in life. I'm under the care of one of the best fetal specialists and gynaecologists. I'm seeing them this week. The fetal specialist said she was very concerned as she could see immediately what the issue was and showed us exactly what she was talking about. Its standard procedure for her to rescan and do the measurements. But most likely nothing will change.
Even if it's the best case of no complications which we arent even guaranteed, we aren't in the uk.
Here, any form of disability is a huge battle for support. I just don't think I could bring a child into this world knowing that they will struggle in the most basic ways.

OP posts:

Hugtheduggee · 27/07/2019 13:33

OK, it's your call. Its all very sad.

And no you don't know what complications may arise, but you do know that there's usually a normal or near normal life expectancy. And beyond that there's no guarantees for any of us.

You wouldn't be condemning them to a life of suffering or struggle. I'm sorry
I wish you all the best, but I'm going to have to leave this topic now because I just don't 'get' having a late term abortion because the child is short. The child is clearly wanted and loved. Just be sure you aren't doing anything irreversible out of panic. Maybe talk it through with the counsellors first.

Hugtheduggee · 27/07/2019 13:38

At the retesting, get them to check whether it's just acondroplasia, or if it's skeletal displasia. If it's the latter, then it is often fatal before birth, and it might help you come to terms with it more.

Mangoandbroccoli · 27/07/2019 20:56

Hi @GiveMeHope103, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Everyone is, of course, entitled to their own opinions, but I think you've had some unhelpful views expressed on here, so I just wanted to send you some support. Although my situation isn't the same as yours, I did have to go through the painstaking process of deciding to have a tfmr and I truly believe that no one can possibly understand your decision making as it's unique to you, your family, your situation and what you believe to be the best thing for your baby and it's an impossibly difficult thing to go through. Another poster expressed that they 'don't get it', but, frankly, how could they and, fortunately for them, they don't have to. I'm afraid I don't have anything to offer re your procedure as I had a natural delivery, but the most helpful piece of 'advice' that someone gave me is that there are no wrong decisions here, only what is right for you and your family. ❤️

Vika1985 · 27/07/2019 21:03

How has she had some 'unhelpful' views? Views are views.

Even a child born completely healthy could have an accident at any time that could leave them minorly or majorly disabled. What do you do then?

Mangoandbroccoli · 27/07/2019 22:01

Hi @Vika1985, it just seemed a little unhelpful for the OPs decision to be questioned, because, in this instance, she's asked for any help or experience regarding the procedure, rather than views about her decision. She has explained that she and her partner have reached a painstaking decision, so I think views about the validity of this decision aren't what she's seeking.

With regards to your hypothetical question about an accident in later life, that is of course a possibility that every parent will have to contend with. But, the OP can only make decisions based on the knowledge she has now and she has made the decision that she believes is right for her family. I don't personally feel it's helpful for us to question that, as that's not what she's asked for help with. That's not to say that others shouldn't have a different opinion or, indeed, express it if asked, but I know how tough this time can be and just wanted to offer support.

Mangoandbroccoli · 27/07/2019 22:07

@GiveMeHope103 I forgot to add that, if you've not already hear of them, ARC offer brilliant, impartial advice and might be able to offer you further info, as well as an understanding ear.

BertrandRussell · 02/08/2019 15:49

People posting on this thread not answering the point the OP raises are being extraordinarily unkind. Please go and post elsewhere.

OP I send you all good wishes in this horrible situation. The decision you have made is the best possible one. Please try not to take other views to heart.

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