Not sure what to do - not in a bad situation

[Coconutcakes]

I've found out that I'm pregnant and I'm considering abortion. But my situation isn't that bad, or bad at all, so I'm wondering if I'm being ridiculous.

I'm married and have 1 DC, aged 1. We were trying for another in a year or so. Given that relatively short time frame, it seems obvious to just have this be that baby. What's a year in the scheme of things really?

But I don't want to be pregnant right now. Life was going really well. I have just gone back to work part time, and was getting in to my new routine. I enjoyed mat leave but was feeling good using my work brain again. I joined a gym two months ago and I had lost 2 stone and was feeling fit for the first time in years. I was really feeling great. And I was enjoying parenting my 1yo.

I'm now 8 weeks pregnant (have known for 2 weeks) and already all that is gone. I'm too exhausted to have fun with dc, I just keep half an eye on him while he plays alone, and half an eye on the clock praying it will be 7pm soon (his and now my bedtime). I can hardly cope at work, the exhaustion means getting through the day is a massive struggle. I've quit the gym. I can't sleep. I'm miserable 24/7.

But I'd just be going through all this in a year anyway right? So I might as well do it now?

DH doesn't want me to have an abortion, but he would accept it (I mean he would have too).

Not sure if its relevant but it wasn't a contraception failure. I don't take hormonal contraception as my DH isn't interested in sex and we only do it around 3 times a year, using condoms if it is a fertile time. This time it was the tail end of my fertile time but I was so surprised and happy we were actually having sex, I didn't mention that as I didn't want to ruin the moment. So it's my fault.

Normally I’m the one that says ‘if you don’t want a baby have a termination’. However, tbh in your case I’d probably just carry on given that you’re probably 4 weeks away from being over the worst and it's basically a timing issue. A 2 year gap is quite a nice one IMO.

But that’s me. If you really don’t want another baby now, a decision to have s termination is completely valid.

The thing is, as hard as it might be, it's not about how you feel right now but how will you feel in the future, it's really tough being pregnant with a one year old, but having a small gap can make things easier in the long run. How will you cope when you have another one in the future knowing there was one just like him or her that you didn't have?

soulrunner I guess you are right, except for this bit
4 weeks away from being over the worst
My last pregnancy was equally as bad the whole way through, nothing improved in the 2nd tri. Although I suppose that's one argument for continuing, I've done two weeks already.

WantedAChatterbox You could look at that both ways though. I only want two children so this will be my last if I do continue. In the future yes I may wonder what would have been, but I'm sure I wouldn't regret that future child, who will never exist if I go ahead with this pregnancy.

I suppose I am being unreasonable. I just wanted another year or two of my current nice life. But I suppose it wasn't be to and I only have myself to blame

Also, you say your husband doesn’t want you to have an abortion, but that he would have to accept it. What if he couldn’t? What if he couldn’t get over it? Are you really blowing up your marriage and family for a baby who is about 9 months too soon?

And yes, it is completely your body and your choice. But the repercussions don’t belong to just you.

Yes, that's true.

But he isn't the one carrying it or feeling this way, in fact he can't even handle a slight cold or a paper cut. He's also not the one having a 2nd cs so soon, getting up at night or looking after the baby or dc1, I am. So I'm afraid though it sounds selfish, I am going to make the decision on what's best for me - exactly the same as he or any man would.

Can you afford to have some counselling OP? Might help you sort out your emotions on this.

I would also like pp be the first person to say don't have a baby if you don't want one but - since you were planning another one anyway...

Just wondering, is it just about the baby or is it also to do with how you feel about your relationship?

Counselling might be a good way to get everything in perspective if you can get some quickly?

Also worth considering how you’ll feel if you struggle to conceive when the time is ‘right’ for you. Just because you’ve conceived easily before doesn’t mean you will again. Considering you want another anyway I would keep it.

Yes you could look at it the other way of course, and I am only speaking from a friends experience and not my own - who says she feels there is a 'missing DC' and bitterly regrets her decision

Fair enough, see what I mean though, there will be "missing dc" either way, since there is no way to have both.

Firefly111 you are right that could happen. It's unlikely though, since I concieved easily with dc1 and dc2 with one sexual encounter this year. Of course anything could happen though.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun yes that is a good idea. I seen a counsellor before about other issues and didn't think it really helped. They basically just say "oh it's not that bad", and maybe it's not but you feel how you feel. But maybe I haven't found one I clicked with and should keep trying.

Just wondering, is it just about the baby or is it also to do with how you feel about your relationship?

Although I sound like I don't like my DH in my above posts, I actually do and our relationship is probably the best it's ever been right now. I'm not sure how to explain. I love him but it's not a "soul mates made in heaven" relationship (who's is?). I find the best way to be happy is to accept and be realistic about what he will and won't do for me, and offer similar of myself in return.

OP it sounds to me that whatever any advice anyone gives, you're able to turn it around as to why a termination is the best way forward. So if that's the case, you should continue with what you think is right. I can see both sides, but I don't think anyone in this situation is going to turn around and say, yes you should definitely have an abortion (which I think is perhaps what you want to hear?) So you just have to go with what you think.

Personally I'm with a lot of the pps and would say keep it, simply because you're planning to have another one in the near future.
However, reading your replies, I think you've made your mind up and because you're happy with how life is now, a second child isn't what you want right now.

I think you and your husband need to sit down, with or without a 3rd party and talk through the pros and cons of continuing this pregnancy because, yes I agree ultimately, it's your body, your choice, he has to live with the consequences too.

Op if you search my name you'll see I was in an almost identical situation, only my dc was a year older.

We decided to keep the baby, I'm 12 weeks now and although my first pregnancy was a shit show from beginning to end, thankfully this one has been a lot easier.

I still wonder if we've made the right decision, like you I look at my dd and hate that I've sacrificed time with her, some days it's all I can do to keep her fed and clean. Holidays are now on the back burner as we try to find a house that can fit us all, a car, new pram etc.

However, I'd only be doing this in a years time anyway, and now it's happened I think we (me & dp - not you) just need to go with it.

All your reasons for wanting a termination are valid, and at the end of the day only you can make that decision. You have to weigh up the pros and cons, either way you feel like you're sacrificing a child. Either this one or the one you planned for next year. You just have to pick the decision that is best for you.

What it ultimately came down to for me, is getting it out the way. I hate being pregnant. But since it had already happened, at least now I can quite confidently say, this will be my last.
Morning sickness, constant tiredness and feeling like shit, I won't have that hanging over me. Once January comes, I'll have a little bundle that I'm sure I'll love just as much as dd and then life can carry on.

Whatever you decide to do, do what's best for you and your dc that's already here. It's such a shit situation, I know.

Sending

Usually I’d say that if you feel an abortion is right then you go for it and the people in your life who can’t support it should do one. However.... this is a timing issue and I totally get it, but with the wisdom of one that has had babies close together it’s shit now: it’ll get better. It’s hard being pregnant with a 2 year old as well tbh so even if this was happening exactly when you wanted then I suspect you might be struggling. Go and see a counsellor as if you do continue with the pregnancy you need to reframe your thinking or it may severely affect your mental health and you might find it hard to bond with the baby. Good luck

Look at it a different way, if you have a baby now, you then can get back to the gym/work/etc after and have finished having your kids quicker. 2 years apart isn't easy (mine are) when they are tiny but it's easier when they are older imho.

"there will be "missing dc" either way, since there is no way to have both."

Well yes, but one is a conceived unique embryo, a very young but already existing human, who will without intervention develop into a baby. The other is a theoretical concept.

Pregnancy is hard whenever. Given its just a timing issue, and you already have conceived, I'd go with the baby you've already created rather than the theoretical concept of one in a few months time.

And yes, you'll be feeling crap during an exciting time in your toddlers development, but I also got pregnant at 12m, and I'm glad I did it then and not now (youngest is now 2) as we can have such fun together now which we would be able to have if I was pregnant, but it was less of an issue at 12m, though there are pros and cons to every age gap.

In a years time though, your toddler will be sprinting places. They will nap less. They will tantrum, and be able to lash out and kick more. If anything like mine, they will still want carrying everywhere but will be heavier. They know their own mind more but still can't control themselves or be reasoned with. It's a great age for a second maternity leave, but I imagine it would be a harder age to be pregnant with.

I’m very pro choice - nobody should have to have a pregnancy or baby they don’t want - and would have no judgment if you chose to terminate. I can see why you’re disappointed it’s happened now when things were going so nicely and it’s always hard getting your head around something that wasn’t the plan.

However ... I do think there’s a lot of benefit in getting it out of the way. 2 year age gap is nice, they will play together more quickly than with a bigger gap, they will be into the same activities and toys more, you get out of the baby stage quicker.

In a sense there is never going to be a perfect time to have a second, it will always make you tired and have less energy for your first and tbh your first will notice less and be less difficult/jealous about it at age 1 than at 2. If things had gone according to plan you might have been wishing you’d got pregnant when you had an easy 1 year old rather than a stroppy 2 year old...

Also bear in mind that if you terminate now and try again later, you might struggle to get pregnant at that time (it does happen that people struggle even if they’ve conceived easily before) and then could kick yourself for missing this chance.

Basically it’s short term pain vs long term gain... But it’s up to you, of course.

OP it sounds to me that whatever any advice anyone gives, you're able to turn it around as to why a termination is the best way forward.

No, that's not true, I'm grateful for everyone's advice and opinions, I'm just trying to explain what I'm thinking. Because I feel like people are thinking "huh? Why on earth would you even consider that?".

How will you cope when you have another one in the future knowing there was one just like him or her that you didn't have?

I think this is an unhelpful thing to say. Also, a lot of people who wished for more children than they have feel like a child is ‘missing’, regardless of whether they have had a termination.

OP there are past threads on this exact predicament, a poster called Thurlow I particularly remember writing some very sensible things about it.

I personally could not have coped with two close together so can understand how you feel. Having said that, I had my second when DC1 was three and that wasn’t easy either. Balancing the needs of more than one child is very different to having one child and it’s right to consider when you are prepared to do that carefully. I don’t think anyone can answer that for you. Good luck

you get out of the baby stage quicker.

Thats the other thing, I don't want to be out of the baby stage quicker as I love babies. And now I'm losing dc1s year as a baby which I'll never get back. I'd rather lose the shit 2-3 year old phase.

Thank you all for your time reading this. I guess you are all right. There is no perfect time so might as well just go ahead. It would be ridiculous to do otherwise.

2-3 is NOT a shit phase. It's a wonderful phase. It's where they first tell you that they love you. Its where they have half formed conversations with you, telling you there are dinosaurs in the garden (who like to eat sweeties). Where they sing you 'twinkle twinkle' and get half the words wrong. It's the age of make believe starting and being able to actually have fun together when on a day trip, rather than it being lots of slog. It's a hard phase, because their behaviour can be challenging, but they give back 100 times more, and you'll be able to spend that time together.

2-3 is not a shit phase, that's just ridiculous. It's a challenging phase for sure, but not shit.

Ah OK, well just going off what the pps said above in this thread! I guess it's different for everyone.