DH wants an abortion

[PregnantWithThird]

Hi, found out last week I am pregnant with DC3. DC1+2 are 5 and 7. Both are DHs.

I developed pcos after I had the first 2. We tried for DC3 for a long time but it never happened and I thought I couldn't get pregnant. My periods were so irregular which didn't help.

Anyway, last week I found out I'm pregnant which was a huge shock. Told DH and he's gone crazy. To be fair, he's not blamed me in anyway, he's just annoyed about the situation. I know we had both accepted that we were staying at 2DC but I honestly thought he would be as happy as me.

I'm gutted that he would even suggest an abortion. He knows I couldn't ever go through with it. He came home from work yesterday telling me how it's just a bunch of cells, all I'd have to do is take a pill and problem solved. I'm not anti abortion, it's just not something I could personally do.

I'm so sad. I've told him I'm having this baby and he can either support me or leave.

He says we don't have the money but we save £800 a month. We don't have any debt. The only problem I can see is childcare. I have a school hour job so after maternity leave, for the first 2 years, most of my wage will go on childcare but it's not going to bankrupt us.

I don't know what I'm asking. I think I just need someone to tell me it's going to be okay. Or am I being selfish? Has anyone else been through similar?

I have put paragraphs into this op but when I'm. On my phone, they sometimes disappear.

If you are saving £800 a month then it doesn't sound as if money is going to be a huge issue. I would leave the discussion for a week so you don't both become entrenched and then discuss it. If he was keen before to have 3dc and now doesn't then I imagine he has become used to how much easier life is now the dc are older.

Money is not an issue at all. He's just using that as an excuse. I know there will be quite big age gaps but we are still quite young. We do currently live in a 2 bed house but we're planning on moving soon anyway.

Sounds like hes found it a shock and as you previously wanted dc3, he may come round to the idea. I'd suggest you lean back a bit, let it sink in for a few days, then start to discuss again. Unless there is something going on that you dont know about, could he have secret debt, gambling issues, or even possibly an affair? (Sorry to say that, hopefully nothing of the sort, his reaction seems a bit odd though based on your previous plans).

Has he said why the change of heart since ttc previously? Yes he says money is an issue but has the financial position changed from before?

We had a surprise 3rd - contraception failure. All DC are now 7, 2 and 8mo. I couldn't terminate and DH was keen to continue but would have supported me either way. We're nowhere as financially as stable as you. We bring in just enough to cover the bills plus food and a bit more but not much. I've just gone self employed and hope to bring in 500 or so a month soon, increasing over time. It's a constant worry (but we're managing) so I can understand hesitation due to finances - at the same time it wouldn't change the decision we made.

Is there something else going on? Sounds like it's no necessarily the real reason or maybe just the shock of it, but like you say, you thought it would be a good shock.

Just out of curiosity, what account are the savings going into? Do you both have access to it?

I think you need to decide what you want. I would be very upset if my dh tried to pressure me into an abortion against my wishes. In fact I don’t know if I would be able to get over that to be honest. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I have access to all accounts. The savings account is actually purely in my name as we've struggled to get time off on the same week day to make an appointment at the bank to open a joint account. We are saving for a house deposit but a baby isn't going to cost us all £800 a month. Especially as I will breastfeed and use cloth nappies. As far as I'm aware, there's no affair ect. He doesn't go out much and doesn't work with any women.

He is a worrier and does over think things more than the average person. He's very practical. For example one of his first comments was that we wouldn't be able to fit 3 car seats in the car.

I honestly don't think there's any 'secret' things going on. It was over a year ago that we decided to stick to two.

I know it will be hard as we don't have any real family support but I feel guilty about being happy about this.

I am hoping he will eventually come round but I'm feeling so sick at the moment, I could really do with some support. It's nice to be able to talk about it on here.

Also, thank you everyone for being so nice. Its exactly what I need right now.

Your husband is probably panicking, PregnantWithThird. When he has calmed down he will almost certainly feel better about your pregnancy. However it's a shame you have this worry right now.

I don't think the age gap between the new baby and your youngest is an issue, plenty of siblings have the same.

Hope all goes well.

I think it isn't ideal to have a third, no.

It is going to be more money. You say money isn't an issue and then go on to say you're saying for a house deposit. So do you not currently own a house then? If not yet, is a third DC really a good idea? Wouldn't it be better to have the 2 lovely DC you currently have and your own house sooner? It's more stability for your current 2.

Nobody can force an abortion on you, nor should they, but it's 100% clear where your DH is coming from.

Your DH is trying to make a common sense and rational decision whereas you are going with your heart. However it's not as if you're both unemployed and living in a one bed council flat! You'll clearly be ok financially so don't feel guilty about following your heart.

Honestly? He has plans that don’t involve being a family man. Steel yourself. Only have an abortion if you want one, but be ready to take your children forward without him.

There are many other reasons people might not want a third child than having an affair/planning to leave!

I agree with PP you should let it settle a bit and he may well come round.

Honestly? He has plans that don’t involve being a family man. Steel yourself. Only have an abortion if you want one, but be ready to take your children forward without him.

What a load of shite! So he's not a family man because he doesn't want a third child?

Has your husband has a vasectomy ? I’m guessing not.

Did you tell him that you had been sterilised ? I’m guessing not again.

And did he have consensual sex with you ? I’m assuming yes.

If so, he’s old enough to know that sometimes sex results in a baby. He decided that risk was worth taking, so he can’t be THAT against having another child.

His 100% right to choose was when he had sex with you and he chose whatever contraception he used at the time.

Now it’s 100% your right to choose if you continue this pregnancy or not.

And if you continue the pregnancy, you and your husband can decision to keep the baby or place him/ her for adoption.

He wants an abortion? When did he get pregnant, then, and has he got in touch with the press to let them know of this medical miracle?

Your body, your pregnancy. Your choice, not his.

He is allowed his opinion but can't force you to have an abortion, maybe time to think about permanent methods of birth control. Do what you want and he can do what he wants.

Not a family man

That would make any woman who felt she had to terminate a third baby not a family woman.

What a stupid comment.