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This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Pregnancy choices

Unwanted 3rd pregnancy

13 replies

Dusty2 · 25/06/2019 13:16

Hi I have just found out I'm pregnant and my husband desperately wants me to abort. We have a 4 year old and 10 month old in a 2 bed house and he is the sole earner. My husband has just had a vasectomy but we dtd just before which result in a bfp! I just turned 40 and he is 46 and I agreed we don't want another, we're really happy and settled, but my OH doesn't cope with family stuff, in order for him to agree to our second I have agreed to do everything, he sleeps downstairs and I literally do all the child care, the last week we have had both kids I'll, baby in hospital with croup and I'm exhausted, he never stepped up to help and moans that it's all too stressful. he's maybe changed 5 nappies in 10 months! He works long hours 6am-1930pm inc weekends which is why I take over home and family and I'm alone a lot so not ideal but I'm okay with this. I don't want to ruin my family with another baby, all the stress on our relationship, what it will do to my other children, financially, no room. He practically begged me to abort saying he is at breaking point and can't cope. Problem is, this little life exists and it has a heartbeat (I'll be just over 5 weeks) aborting my own child doesn't sit well with me. Oh says it's just a bunch of cells and says I'm being selfish and should think about my family. Am I? Am I being silly to think if my pregnancy as a life this early on? Am I killing a child that will be? I don't want a third but not sure I can deny a life either. Ironically we dtd once!

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newmomof1 · 25/06/2019 13:36

It doesn't sound like you could comfortably have another child and still give your children the lifestyle they currently have.

I understand you're worried about giving up on this new life, but you need to think about the other lives you chose to create and think about what's best for them.

I'm sorry you're having to make this decision Thanks

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Spookydot · 25/06/2019 13:42

Your husband has been brutally honest with you and has taken the initiative to have a vasectomy. But ultimately it is your body, your choice. Not an easy one.
If you do decide not to keep this pregnancy and act quickly you can take the pills which might feel less like your killing a baby. Call BPAS as they can give you advice whichever way you decide to go.
These things happen, don’t beat yourself up about it. Good luck with your decision Flowers

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Dusty2 · 25/06/2019 14:10

Thanks I think what's making it so hard is my other 2 were so desperately wanted, I excitedly watched and read each week, looking at how it was developing, choosing prams etc, I loved it and now I've got to abort. Feels totally heartbreaking, who's feelings are more valid my husband who doesn't want it or me who does. I wish I just didn't care and could make the sensible choice.

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Imaysnapandfart · 25/06/2019 14:16

OP, the dynamics of your relationship don't sound great tbh - you say you had to agree to do everything just to get him to agree to have a second, and if he's not stepping up in any way to help out, it doesn't sound like a fair balance of responsibilities.

It certainly doesn't sound a great environment to bring a third child into.

However, your feelings ARE valid, and you are totally within your rights to continue this pregnancy without pressure from your DH - although, you might also have to come to terms with the huge additional work, stress, and the possibility of your relationship being ever more strained.

It's a really difficult one for you, OP, and I do feel for you. BPAS are really good and helpful and can signpost you to counselling if you need it. Keep talking on here too - sometimes it helps just to explore your feelings by talking to strangers. Flowers

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Stuckforthefourthtime · 25/06/2019 14:20

I'd call Marie Stopes. They are not pushy in either direction, they offer unjudgmental counselling.

It doesn't sound from what you describe that it would be the right thing for the children you have already to go ahead (or for you and your husband) with another pregnancy. However ultimately you have to make the right choice for you, and this is where counselling can help.

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stucknoue · 25/06/2019 14:21

It is your decision but he's not only told you his feelings on having more kids but also had a vasectomy. You were both naive to dtd before the check up, so nobody's fault. Be honest can you cope with a third, especially if you end up being a single parent?

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Stuckforthefourthtime · 25/06/2019 14:31

If you want to continue with the pregnancy that is great or if you want to stick to a 2 child family that is great too. But don't let the US bs come to the UK too - a 5 week foetus does not have a heartbeat, it does not have a heart. It is a group of cells still, and the decision is yours.

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Imaysnapandfart · 25/06/2019 15:18

@stuckforthefourthtime is that entirely accurate? Between 5 and 6 weeks a fetal pole and/or heartbeat can be detected with a transvaginal ultrasound.

Also, regardless of that argument, even if booked literally today, the termination would likely be in at least a week's time, at which point there would likely be a detectable heartbeat.

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Littlemermaid1 · 25/06/2019 17:06

OP I think you need to think it through very carefully and imagine how your life would look if you kept or terminated the pregnancy. I was in your position recently, though it was a third child with a new boyfriend and he didnt want it.

I work and could have afforded to keep the pregnancy but once the morning sickness kicked in at 6 weeks and exhaustion too, I realised I couldn't look after my existing two dc very well, I didnt want to have a baby with a man who was so against it, I wanted a loving supportive man.

I never thought I'd be able to abort but I had counselling with Marie Stopes clinic (who were impartial) and then had the medical/tablet abortion. I did find it very upsetting but it was the right decision for me, in my current circumstances.

There is no right or wrong answer, please do what you feel is right for you, in your current situation. Dont let your dh persuade you to abort if you dont want to. But dont rule out aborting if you think another pregnancy would be too much for you to cope with.

I hope it works out for you Flowers

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PurpleGlitter1983 · 25/06/2019 18:05

I suppose everyone has the right to be an idiot 🙄

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Stuckforthefourthtime · 25/06/2019 20:08

Imaysnapandfart yes, it's one of the issues with the so called US heartbeat bills. The foetal pole is not a heart - it is is tissue that can one day grow into a heart. As fertilised eggs in IVF can grow into babies, or not. This is definitely not the thread to get into a debate, but I think it's really worrying that authoritorian and anti-woman rhetoric from the US is spreading.

OP, you need to make the right decision for you and your family, whatever that may be - we can all say what we might do; but only you are in your shoes, there is not a right or wrong course of action and I hope you can get the support you need

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Dusty2 · 25/06/2019 21:18

Thank you for your advice and opinions. I don't want to get into arguments about gestational development as I am pro choice and think it is a personal choice not a government's. I am struggling with termination when it's me that has to do it. I discussed it further tonight and my OH has said he will respect my decision but that I am the one who is going to have to cope with 3 as he is at work and can I handle it. I have no idea, people clearly do cope but at what cost?

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Ilady · 11/07/2019 02:14

I know it's not an easy decision to make re having an abortion. You have a 4 year old and a 10 month old. You live in a 2 bed house. Your husband is the sole earner and he works long hours. Along with this he does not seem to be any way willing to help out with the children. To be honest I think your tired and you don't get a brake from the kids you already have.
He works long hours including weekends so you know with 3 kids it just going to make life harder for you all. Also at your age you have a higher chance of having a baby with a disability or health issues.
I know people out their who cope with families in hard circumstances but it comes at high cost to both the parents and the other children.
If I was in your circumstances I would have an abortion because I think it would be better for you and the children you already have.
I would also say to your husband if you do this he needs to step up with the children. He can't be moaning if he is asked to change a nappy ect. He also need to be told that you need a brake for a few hours each week. Its important that you have a few child free hours each week for your own physical and mental health.
I would also start.to make a long term plan that when your 10 month old is say 3 or when they start school that you will get work yourself. Even some part time work should help you in regards to a state pension. As your children get older your expenses will get higher and having some extra money can help make things easier.

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