Strained relationship with my mum after abortion.

[dolphin0798]

I had an abortion early this year for so many reasons but I feel like life is falling apart around me because of this decision and I am the cause of everyone's pain.

I was raised in a very dysfunctional family by a single mum with mental health issues, ocd and anxiety. My mum is deeply unhappy in her life doesn't work and just moans and complains about everyone and life itself. I grew up without my dad and watched family arguments constantly with my mum, nan aunts & uncles. Mental illness runs in my family and I think everyone has some sort of personality disorder. I'm 28 and from childhood trauma have struggled with depression and was in a toxic relationship on and off for 5 years he is emotionally void and didn't show any care or concern when I was pregnant. I then found he had been cheating on me and didn't want to raise an innocent child in such a toxic mess and have to co parent with a man who is immature (he's 37) doesn't know how to communicate and also comes from a dysfunctional family. The only support I had when pregnant was my mum and her view of the world made me stress and worry even more I wasn't financially stable to do it on my own and feared I would loose my home and end up living back with my mum.
My mum didn't want me to have the abortion and practically begged me not to was angry with me after and kept crying saying she has lost a grandchild. It was the hardest decision of my life I wanted to die rather than make that decision (even when I was put to sleep for the abortion I just prayed that I wouldn't wake up and something would go wrong) she really didn't help after and make me feel a lot worse about my decision pointing out pregnant women saying how much she wanted to see my belly grow etc.

I didn't want to have a baby just to make her happy but that's what my decision felt like and I didn't want to repeat history like her having a baby in a terrible relationship just to fill a void (that I've never been able to fill) in her life. We were close before this now she didn't want to celebrate Mother's Day, my birthday and says this whole year is ruined! She's had another huge argument with her own mum over this and other family and she's told everyone what I did which brings me so much shame. She has blamed me for the arguments saying it's my fault because of my choice. Now I feel like I've lost my family and also my relationship with my mum over making this decision. I just wanted to make the right decision for myself and that baby and didn't want anyone else growing up in the mess I grew up in.

I was starting to feel better but now I feel so low again :(

Oh sweetheart

I’m so sorry that your Mum is letting you down so badly. You made the right decision for yourself and don’t deserve to have other people’s opinion foisted on you. Can you have some time without seeing your Mum for now? Are any family members or friends more supportive?

I’m sorry to hear your mum hasn’t supported you when you needed it, and that you’re so unhappy.

You made the decision that was right for you and that’s what matters.

It’s not your job to make your mum happy.

It sounds like you did the right thing for you so don't let your mum's ridiculous comments upset you.
To tell anyone else about your abortion was a massive breach of your trust and she doesn't deserve your time or company for doing that to you.

In fact, I think you need to get a long way away from your mum and go very low contact. She sounds very selfish making everything that affects you all about her and her feelings.

Your body, your choice and yours alone. Nothing to do with anyone else. You owe her nothing.

Do you have any good friends you could stay with for a short while to get yourself together and build up your confidence? You can live a very happy and fulfilled life if you don't have to deal with toxic people like this all the time.

Thank you all for the replies it means a lot :) I know deep down I made the right choice but she has made this whole thing so much more difficult. It’s just upsetting that this is how everything has turned out I keep thinking now that maybe a baby would have brought joy into everyone’s lives and brought my family close but this has torn it apart!

You made the right decision at the time, dolphin. Your mum should be supporting you.

I do wonder at times whether it's a good idea to confide in mothers about this sort of thing.

You made the right decision in having an abortion. You knew your partner was not ready to have a child despite his age and he was cheating on you. Your lucky that your no longer involved with him. You also said that your mother and various family members have mental health issues.
You said you felt you mother had a family in a bad relationship to fill a void in her life and you did not want to end up in the same position.
It easy for your mother to say you should have had a baby but it would have been your job to bring the child up on your own. Your mother might have said I will help you out with the baby but when the baby arrived she may not have done this.
Also she told your relatives you had an abortion so they are thick with you now.
To be honest at this stage I would just start putting some distance between you and her. It not your job to do what she wants. Have you told a close friend what has happened? I feel you need some one who is on your side at the moment as your having a hard time with all that's going on.

Is there any way you can just run away from all these people and start a completely new life away from all the misery?

@dolphin0798 can I just say you are so incredibly brave, I am in awe of you. I hope you can get away from your mum, and ex, and find happiness and peace. You sound like an amazing person.

I am so sorry you've been hurt in this way.