Deciding on a termination

[Anonymoususernameforthispost]

Hi, please be kind....I feel like my life is spiralling out of control....I found out I was pregnant a week and a half ago...I’m thirty years old in a relationship for the last year which has recently been on the rocks but now feeling stronger again, we don’t live together but had made plans to do so later this year...I had a copper coil in and we were using condoms so I was completely devastated when I found out I was pregnant. This would be my first baby. I want to have children maybe with my boyfriend but envisaged that as happening at least two or three years ahead in time from now...I really wanted to be in a fully committed and stable relationship ideally married before I ever did this with someone. For context I work in a local maternity unit and every day I see the complications of pregnancy and childbirth...parents whose babies are stillborn at term, babies with cerebral palsy, women who go home with a colostomy bag after childbirth, even just really common problems like postnatal depression or an episiotomy that’s broken down...these would have been risks I was willing to take but only once someone had fully committed to me and I felt truly safe and secure..I called Marie stopes immediately after I did the test and have booked a medical termination with them in five days time, on the one hand logically it’s the right decision because neither of us are ready and we don’t even know if we can live together yet...on the other hand I was sobbing last night thinking of the baby I’m about to lose and there are so many women on here who have much stronger reasons for terminating a pregnancy....I love babies and children so much but I would only want them if I can give them nothing but the best and I just don’t know if I can do that right now...I have honestly wished I was dead so many times since finding out just so I didn’t have to make this choice. Any support or advice you can give me would be amazing.

I want to reply and give you a virtual hand-hold as I'm going through the same thing but I'm perhaps more set on my decision to terminate. I found out I was pregnant on Monday but have a 3 week wait for my appointment for a medical abortion. Thankfully I think I've caught it in the very very early days.

All the reasons you've given are totally understandable, not that you even need any as it's entirely your decision and down to no-one else. For me, I already have a nearly 1 year old and I'm still kept awake at night thinking about childbirth and I've hated the baby stage. I don't ever want another so the decision to terminate didn't take much thinking about. I'm on the pill so, like you, I've no idea how this has happened. I do feel sad, but sadder at the thought of an unwanted child.

Choosing to terminate has made me feel strong and very in-control, sorry you feel like your life is spiralling. I hope that feeling changes for you. Please stop wishing you were dead. I've been thinking about the millions of women in countries where they aren't allowed to make this decision for themselves by law, and wish that they could. Stay strong! Your feelings and reasons for doing this are entirely valid.

Have you told any friends or relatives? Does your partner know and is being supportive in your decision?

Thank you so much for this reply, you’re really kind...I’m sorry you’re going through such a difficult time as well...yes I have told my partner, a few friends and my sisters and father. Everyone is being really supportive of my right to choose...My partner is really torn because I know deep down he would probably want to keep the baby even though he realises it would be so hard and his worst fear like mine is being in a broken relationship with children involved. We can both see the logical reasons for the termination but at the same time we both sat there sobbing last night thinking of the baby we’re about to lose. I don’t know what will happen to us once all this is over but I know if we did break up in the aftermath it would only reinforce my decision to terminate as having been the right one...and i know for sure that termination does feel like the safest option for me and for the baby right now.

You are absolutely right that I need to think about all the women in my situation who do not have this choice...I’ve always been fiercely pro-choice but never really thought about how I’d feel if it was me. I am really grateful that I have the options that I have. Thank you so much for your support.

Whatever you decide will be the right decision

There are as many reasons to terminate as not to terminate, its not an easy thing to do but you will get through this

Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't tour pregnancy likely to end in miscarriage anyway seeing as you have a copper coil in situ? I've nursed a woman who this happened too. Although a nurse I worked with gave birth to her son and her coil at the same time so it's not an absolute.

I hope you get the help you need with your decision and I'm sorry you feel like you do.

Thanks all...yes pregnancy with copper coil more prone to miscarriage but I’ve had it removed...had to go back over two appointments because it was embedded in my cervix (not the most pleasant) but at least it’s out now. I’ll be eight weeks pregnant on Monday.

Hey OP, how are things? Thinking of you x

Thank you...I’m okay, my heads all over the place still but I’m 80% certain that the termination the day after tomorrow is the right way forward and my partner is as well...I feel like my choice is between having the termination and ‘winging it’ which is not something I ever wanted to have to do when it comes to a baby’s future...or mine or my partner’s future. That’s not to say I don’t feel massively conflicted, even though I’ve called Marie Stopes as soon as I found out I’ve stopped drinking, I’ve been taking pregnacare every day..I know I will have genuine sadness and feelings of loss when this is over despite that being mixed in with relief. This is genuinely the hardest choice I’ve ever had to make but I feel like it is the right thing to do and was my gut instinct choice right from the start. Thank you so much for your support.

Thinking of you today @Anonymoususernameforthispost ! Look after yourself x

Good luck, sending hugs and support x

It’s all over now...thanks so much for everyone’s support, it’s been a difficult day but we know it was the right decision....for anyone reading this contemplating a medical termination at 8 weeks it’s really not that bad, don’t be afraid of the physical or emotional side effects, if it’s the right choice for you and your family you can and will get through this....it’s a choice I will be forever grateful I was able to make xx

Well done for today, take it easy. I've got just over a week until mine and I'm expecting to be around 7 weeks, so that feedback was good to hear x

OP.

FWIW: “there are so many women on here who have much stronger reasons for terminating a pregnancy.”

There is no hierarchy of reasons, just YOUR reasons. You had your gut instinct about the right reasons for you, now.

Look after yourself, OP.

sending a big hug OP, you made the right choice for you and that's all that matters xxx