I can't move on with my life

[lifeisaterriblestruggle]

I had a termination at 10 weeks in 2014. I was only 17 and already had a young baby. My partner was emotionally abusive as was my mum and I couldn't move out or live with anyone else. As soon as I found out I was gutted because I was in such a horrible situation in life, but I never wanted an abortion for myself in my life. I was pressured into getting the abortion but ultimately I did think it was the right thing for me at that time. Now, 5 years on, it has come back to haunt me and has been for months. It's taking over my every thought and I'm on a really high dose of medication to help me through. But nothing is helping. I know I am a different person now and in a much better position. I even have 2 more children. But I feel like such a monster for what I did, and I would give anything to take back what I did. I will never forgive myself and I just can't see a light at the end of this lonely tunnel. My children are my world and they make my life beautiful but in terms of myself and my mental health, I hate my life and I wish I could end it and see that baby and hold them and tell them I'm sorry. I don't know what to do anymore. Any advice would be gratefully received. Thank you for reading.

I’m sorry you are dealing with this and I’m sorry you felt you were in a position where you had no choice but to have a termination.

It sounds like you have sought medical help to deal with this which is good. Otherwise I think you just have to accept what has happened and not blame yourself. Try to see it as circumstances beyond your control that meant you lost a baby but not as something you did wrong.

I recently lost a baby at full term which is not the same thing but I understand to a degree what it is like to lose a baby. I imagine it’s harder if you blame yourself but you must not.

You were very young and, whilst I am not pro abortion, I know that if I had got pregnant at 17 when I lived with my parents I would probably have done that rather than tell my parents I was pregnant as I know it would have been a really bad situation.

Do you have support in real life?

From reading your story, you sound like an extremely strong woman. You've been through a lot, but you are compassionate and caring. Please try reframe what happened at that time. You are no monster. You survived a terrible time, and you should give yourself the credit you deserve for that. I hope you have support in real life. I'm sorry that you feel this way, but most people in your situation would have probably done the same thing. Be kind to yourself xxxx