Handhold - BPAS tomorrow

[fatisnotafeeling]

I'm looking for some support, handholding , I had my initial consultation at BPAS today and the scan showed I am 8+5, I am for to go back tomorrow for the first tablet.

I was really confused and didn't know what I wanted to begin with but after lots of conversations and thinking about what I want I was sure I don't want another baby. I have 3 DC the eldest is 17, we don't have the space, I'm self employed so would lose income and well I just don't want another child.
Today I am struggling though, we suffered with secondary infertility and i had 6 MC before our DC2 was conceived. I'm struggling to reconcile that with what I am about to do. However it all comes down to in my head that I just don't want it.
I feel like a terrible person right now.

@fatisnotafeeling you are not a terrible person! Regardless of your history this is different plus you have three other children to think about.

I can see your post was a week ago, so I hope it went well whatever you chose and that you are OK.

Hope you are okay. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to DM me.

@Bettythedevil thank you for your reply, I did go through with a medical abortion on Friday, I feel awful to be honest and haven't been able to stop crying. I am angry at myself for not being a stronger person and feel like a terrible Human.

I would never dream of condemning another woman for having made this decision so why do I condemn myself and hate myself so much for what I've done.

@tisonlymeagain thank you i may take you up on that as I am struggling so much with making the decision I did.

Please be kind to yourself.

Anytime @fatisnotafeeling I've been through it, some years ago now and I'm happy to be an ear should you need it.

I went through it recently too @fatisnotafeeling and I felt exactly as you did afterwards. I felt so awful and completely different to how I felt when pregnant. I feel loads better again now (if that is any help). I think hormones go haywire afterwards and make you question everything. I can rationally see my reasons again and that it was the right decision. I don’t know if that helps but hang in there as it is early days to know how you really feel about it. Did you have it through Bpas? You could ring up and ask for telephone counselling if so.

@Bettythedevil yes I had it though BPAS and if these feelings carry on then I will contact them.
I can still see my reasons for doing it and they are still very valid reasons, I would in all likelyhood make the same decision again but I just feel so terribly sad that our circumstances aren't different and I couldn't continue with the pregnancy.
I love my 3 DC so very much and I feel i failed that one terribly for not being able to provide it with life.

I feel like I am not the person I thought I was as I always said I would not have a termination but I did and I feel awful for doing so.

I feel the same and can completely relate. I think most people do. I am just trying now to focus on being there 100% for my existing children. You made a brave decision for your family based on your circumstances. Don’t forget that!

@Bettythedevil, it's my DD2 birthday today and we suffered from secondary infertility with her. It took 6 yrs and 6 miscarriages to fall pregnant and keep her and I feel like this time of yr will now always be a sad time because I will remember what I have done.

I am also taking far too much comfort in wine because it numbs the pain and I am so conscious that it is a slippery slope, plus I am not eating (previous eating disorders), the problem is I do not care about myself at all at the moment and wouldn't mind falling asleep and never waking up again.
I pray that it gets better.

Thank you so much for listening to my ramblings, you seem like a much stronger person then I am, how are you doing ? How long ago was your abortion (I hate writing that word and it makes me physically cringe) . Are things better for you now ?

It’s early days. Be kind to yourself. These feelings are completely normal. I totally understand how you feel about the time of year but you will have so many lovely memories of this time of year with your DD2s birthday to replace the bad memories with. Plan to spoil her rotten and do lots of nice things.

Mine was in March and I had a very rough April tbh. But then I started to feel a bit better. I decided my kids need me to look after myself and I am now trying to move on. You do not deserve to be so hard on yourself - do bear in mind that at the moment you will be all over the place hormonally so be kind to yourself

@Bettythedevil thank you for your kindness I feel like it's more then I deserve.

The constant tears have stopped and I'm back at work but now I feel very flat, I have no appetite and have been having awful nightmares and some suicidle thoughts, I will be driving along and just think about driving the car into a tree 😬. I would never do that though because of my DC.

I would like to go back to 'before' all of it even the knowing I was pregnant because after yrs of feeling very low and depressed I was having times of feeling happy , I could see the light at the end of the tunnel and that's now gone.

I need to find a way to cope some how.