6 months post surgical, going insane.

[autumnleaves25]

Hi, I'm just looking for someone to talk to, not looking for sympathy, quite the opposite.
I had a termination 6 months ago, I didn't want to do it, but went ahead anyway, regretted it whilst I was still at the clinic, well now I'm taking antidepressants and started counselling, my due date would have been in a month.
I've been obsessing over the idea of getting pregnant. I don't actually do anything to get pregnant because I know it would be stupid and horrible and selfish. I wouldn't be able to justify getting pregnant so soon after having an abortion.
For some weird reason, I thought I'd somehow got pregnant (not possible, we barely have sex and always protected), took a test, got a false positive, took another 11 (!) all negative, yet here I am, one day till period is due, still hoping, like a complete idiot.
Anyone felt anything similar?

I’m confused op- why have a termination if you so badly want to be pregnant?

Hi @autumnleaves25. How does your partner feel about you potentially getting pregnant? And what were the reasons for your termination? Hormones can be a very powerful thing and they seem to be overriding your practical considerations about having a baby at the moment.

I understand OP. Stick with your counselling and tell them how you are feeling. Whatever you do don’t take a risk as I am guessing your reasons for termination haven’t changed. If you go want a baby you need to be sure it’s for the right reasons not just to ‘make up’ for your regret about the first one because that could be disastrous if your partner isn’t on board. Find a way to yourself and move on. Look after yourself

Find a way to forgive yourself, I mean!

@Orchidflower1, back in August (when I was pregnant) husband was in a shitty job and I wasn't working (we have a disabled son, who wasn't going to school at that point) so he said he doesn't think we're in a position to have a child. Which was fair enough, but he then said that actually he doesn't want to have a child because he wants his free time, when he comes home, not look after a baby. At which point I thought I'd divorce him and leave (I'm not from the UK originally), but in my home country i wouldn't be able to provide for two children, one being disabled. My mum actually said "maybe you should come home and we can keep the baby, it will be hard, but...", but mum is retired, and she's got health issues, it just wouldn't be fair on her and the rest of my family. We would have been a burden. So I decided to terminate and go home. But after the hormones settled I realised I couldn't, our son had started school and I didn't have it in me to take that away from him, it's hard to explain, but he wouldn't have a future in my home country. Looking back i don't understand how i could think I'd actually be able to leave.
Also, my best friends mum was telling her she wishes she'd had an abortion her entire life, which obviously had an impact on my friend and she feels very strongly about abortions and she kept telling me how awful her life was and is, and how awful her sisters' life is, because their mum didn't have an abortion. I genuinely don't know why I thought I would become like her mum. I'm not blaming it on my friend or my other half, after all, I was the one that went through with it.
I know this seems like a sob story and I apologise for that

I understand how you feel too, OP. Stick with your medication and hopefully your emotions will settle really soon. It's normal to feel this way after a termination for some people. It's easy for other people to speculate and judge but it seems to me you're considering their reactions and feelings over your own. If your circumstances have changed and you feel you are now in a better place to have a baby then it is ultimately your decision because this is YOUR life. Take care of yourself first and try not to let the desire to have a baby override everything else happening in your life. Everything will fall into place when the time is right xx

Ah op I see- the background makes sense. I think councilling for the abortion is definitely the way to proceed but have you thought about some couples councilling too? It seems like you’ve got a lot on your shoulders. 💐

Sorry posted too soon after putting flower emoji!

I wa going to say you need to give your body and head time to heal and make sure you’re physically, emotionally and practically well enough before you plan anything else. Your own health is important.

It is hard - I have worked professionally with many women who have terminated a pregnancy and a surprisingly high proportion became pregnant again very quickly afterwards. Nature will out. You are not alone. Be kind to yourself.

@keepforgettingmyusername, that's the thing, husband said he regrets everything that's happened and he's realised how much of and a*se he was and wants a baby. I told him it's too early and it won't fix me, quite the opposite, and I know I'm being completely irrational, that's why I won't actually try and get pregnant, just needed to talk to someone. Thank you for your reply

@Jenniferyellowcat, thank you, I've read about "replacement baby" phenomenon, and yes, if I do have a baby I'd rather it be for the right reasons, not like this. Thanks again

@flowercrown, the circumstances have changed, most importantly my husband has actually changed, we are in a better place financially, but despite of how much I want a baby, I'd probably hate myself. I hate myself as it is, but if I have a baby now, knowing me, it won't be a happy pregnancy and i would be scared of resenting the baby, because it's not the baby I didn't have. Thank you

@Orchidflower1, thank you, yes I thought about marriage counselling, because we have so many misunderstandings and it seems sometimes like my husband is oblivious to what's happening with me.

@mishappening, thank you

@autumnleaves25 I think you just need to give yourself a bit of time to come to terms with what's happened. Can you discuss with DH maybe trying for another baby in 2020, give yourself the rest of the year to make sure it's the right decision for you and to heal. It will lift some of the pressure off but you know the option is still there.

You need to let the guilt go, love. You did what was best for your family at the time

OP so sorry to hear you are going through this. It is very normal to want to replace what we’ve lost (even though you had an abortion it’s still a loss). You need to forgive yourself, you made the best choice for yourself at that time in life, and that is ok. If you felt you wouldn’t cope with a disabled son and a new baby and you also had financial issues then it was the best choice for you given the circumstances at the time. The only way you will move on from this is by self forgiveness and some self compassion, you deserve that OP. Deep down no woman wants to have a abortion it’s a biological built in feeling and so is you wanting to get pregnant again. But you must forgive yourself to be able to move on from this, you might never forget and that’s ok as long as you are not beating yourself up. If you want to have a baby and the circumstances have changed and you feel you will be able to cope this time then you can do that, without hating yourself for it.

You do deserve sympathy, you went through something very traumatic that has hurt you deeply. You are not a bad person and you do not deserve to be punished for a choice you made. But all the sympathy in the world won’t help as much as you offering yourself some sympathy and self love.

Thinking of you

Also I do not know what your beliefs are regarding this but I read that when a woman has an abortion the soul of that baby can come back to us when the time is right and that the soul is came to teach us a lesson, and help us grow and elvove. This brought me a lot of comfort after my abortion.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=nDpoeksTNSE

Watch this video it brought me a lot of peace x

@keepforgettingmyusername, thank you, I definitely need more time and I've told my husband now is not the best time to have a baby, but he just seems to think that getting pregnant is the best choice, he's not pushing though

@jenny8916652, thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate it, I do. I posted on here thinking I will get judged, but received so much understanding it's making me very emotional. I'm not a religious person, and I struggle to believe in such things, but nonetheless, thank you for the video, it is comforting to think that there's a possibility it's the case xx

Just want to say "thank you" to all of you amazing women that took the time to reply to my thread. I know that for all of you it wasn't a big deal, but it meant a lot to me, a lot more than you can imagine. So thanks you, ladies