If you've had an abortion please read & reply if you can

[ruley]

Please, please read and reply if you can, I would appreciate it massively. I a termination 4 years ago. At the time my mum was abusive physically and mentally, I had a 1 year old and still lived with her. I was separated from my partner and had a new partner and fell pregnant even on contraception. I had just started a college course and my daughter was in childcare. After weeks of feeling low, hopeless and completely stuck I decided to have the termination at 10 weeks. It was so strange because although I never did believe in abortion, at the time I knew it had to be done. I was in no position to have another baby especially with someone I hadn't been with for long, all of that and my family being very unsupportive. As soon as I had it I did feel a lot of guilt and sadness for a long time but distracted myself with my daughter and everyday life. Since then I've been fine emotionally. But it's dawned on me again so suddenly as if I had the termination yesterday all over again. I can't make sense of why I all of a sudden feel so depressed specifically about that event when since I have learned how to be happy again. I'm still wracked with guilt but remind myself I wouldn't have my other children that I have now (my daughter's dad and I got back together not long after it happened). He was supportive at the time but made some stupid and unsympathetic comments following the procedure that made me feel like a monster. Like 'I didn't actually think you would do it', even though he told me it was the right thing to do. I feel so lost and very, very suicidal. I'm so confused because I haven't felt this way since immediately after the abortion. Please, please shed some light if you can and if you have been in the same situation. Thank you.

I'm really sorry that you are feeling like this .
I had an abortion about 7 years ago. I got pregnant when my DS was 3 months old, his dad was abusive so I was already trying to get out of the relationship never mind have another baby with him. He also didn't want another child so it seemed the only option.
I haven't had feelings exactly like yours as I knew it was for the best. For a few years afterwards though I would have a few thoughts of "what it".
However, like you, I knew that if I had gone ahead with the pregnancy I wouldn't have the children I do now & my amazing life.
It is a very hard thing to do & I think it's normal to have these feelings of upset & guilt.
However you shouldn't! You did what was right for you & your child at the time and that's all you can do.
Just be kind to yourself, it's fine to think back on the past and wonder.
But don't let it make you feel guilty & start consuming your thoughts.
Also in regards to feelings of suicide, have you spoken to anyone? Family/friends? Or your GP?
Having an abortion is traumatic and you may need to speak to someone about this event to help you feel better about it.
I hope things get better for you xx

Hi OP, sadly I think this is normal. I had an abortion 2.5 years ago when my youngest of 3 was 20 months old and not sleeping well, my mum was diagnosed with a terminal illness and my DH said he couldn't handle another baby and put a lot of pressure on me to abort. After an initial feeling of deep relief, I ended up very depressed about it for about 6 months. Mum died the week the baby was due, so in a sense I couldn't have been there for mum had I still been pg and I was glad I could be at her side when she took her last breath. From time to time I am ok, then I think about it non stop and log into this forum to see who else is suffering and wish wish wish I had ignored my DH who was the biggest detractor from having a 4th child, although the reality is that I would have struggled to cope given he is away with work so much, we live in a rural and isolated position and I have no family nearby to help. Occasionally I hit a wall of grief like you have now and I can't imagine ever feeling normal or sane again, but I have learnt that it is grief, it is a normal process and it has to happen. Sooner or later I start to feel okay again, stop hating all the circumstances which led to the abortion and forgive my DH again for putting such pressure on me at the time. The reality is, as the other poster says, we did the best we could do with the shitty choices available and for that we cannot keep beating ourselves down. You have gone on to have more children - I long for a miracle pg (my DH had the snip straight after my abortion) but for the wrong reasons - the reality is that I wish I'd just kept that pg. It's very sad.

Sending you lots of love. xxxx