Help - I don't know what to do

[Lucky34]

Hi, I've recently found out that I'm pregnant and really don't know what to do.

I have a 24month old but throughout my pregnancy & until about 18months I suffered terribly with depression. My DC has some complications which may be genetic & im quite old, so I always said I'd only have 1.

Furthermore, my partner is adamant that we should not keep it & although he's not said it, I would anticipate our relationship would more than likely end if I was to go ahead with the pregnancy.

The logical part of me says that it is probably best not to continue with this pregnancy as I really don't want to go through PND again and it's not fair on my DC to put them through it again.

However I'm struggling morally with just ending a pregnancy and whether I'll ever forgive myself or my partner.

I'd really welcome hearing how others came to these decisions and how they felt further down the line.

Sorry that you're in this stressful situation. I have no personal experience of this but as your thread has gone unanswered thought I'd pop on and hopefully others who can help will be along soon.

On the mental health side of things I do know that if you tell the midwife at your booking appointment about your concerns that they should refer you on to be looked after by a specific team who will help you manage this side of things during pregnancy and afterwards.

I had prenatal depression which I told my GP and midwife about and the health visitor came to see me during pregnancy and was absolutely brilliant talking things through with me.

Thank you for your reply. I'm scared to make an appointment with maternity. I have made an appointment to discuss a termination & to get a scan to see how far I am as there is some uncertainty.

However your suggestion of the health visitor was very helpful as I had not considered her. Due to my severe depression I saw her frequently and therefore her support and advice might be very helpful. Thank you again x

I really can’t offer you any advise but wanted to say that I’m in a very similar position to you. I have 2 young children (4 & 2) and I’m currently pregnant. I suffered with very severe depression during my last pregnancy and I also have poor physical health as well. My brain is telling me that I should have a termination as the risks of carrying on with the pregnancy are too high. However the thought of having an abortion is breaking my heart. I feel like whichever Decision I make will end up breaking me.

Thanks for your message Unicorn1982.. I went for the initial appointment for a termination yesterday. They gave me a scan and I'm actually only 8 weeks pg. I thought if it was "younger" and less formed I would find the decision easier to come to. However this is not the case and as such I feel even more torn.

I just can't help feel I am being selfish and not having a baby due to my circumstances - is so morally wrong on so many levels.

But I'm already at my wits end ....

I'm so sorry to hear you are in the same position as myself. It's so difficult and I don't think anyone can answer the question for you.

I went for my scan last week which put me at 8w2, a lot further along than I had thought. I'm now 9w2 and the longer this goes on the harder its going to be. I had very raised blood pressure when I went in last week so they could not offer a medical abortion. I'm now waiting to be referred to an NHS hospital for a surgical abortion but I dont know how long this will take. I'm not against abortion and if this was someone else I'd be telling them to concentrate on the children they already have and that they need their mummy healthy. Its so much harder than I thought, I just wish I could be one of those people that KNOW what they want to do.

I really feel for both of you . My mother really struggled with mental health issues when I was a teenager and a young adult, they can be awful.

Having experienced a miscarriage for the first time in March this year, I would keep the baby. The impact it had on my (previously fine) mental health was enormous and it took me to a very dark place. I really struggled to see pregnant people and babies and I still worry that I'll always miss that child running towards the park with my other DC or opening presents on Christmas morning. I don't want to scare you, I just want you to see that an abortion can also lead to MH issues. With that in mind I would be focusing on the long term implications of keeping the baby vs abortion.

I would talk to your midwife or GP before doing anything to see what type of support they would offer you in light of your previous MH issues.

again for you both.

Hi, Unicorn I totally understand your dilemma as I think if it was someone seeking my advice in my circumstances- then I would tell them to go for the abortion and to look after themselves and current DC. But it is very different when it is yourself and your emotions and not to mention pregnancy hormones rushing around your body.

I too have had a miscarriage and would agree it can have a massive impact on your emotional wellbeing.

I have given myself a weekend off and I'm going to try and enjoy my current DS's company and then reassess how I'm feeling next week.

I'm sorry to hear you cannot go via the medical management Unicorn but perhaps it might be less emotional and the bleeding afterwards appears to be less etc.

I think I will take the medical option but at home as I would rather be on my own.

Flatasapancakenow I had a miscarriage when I was 18 and it was a huge contributing factor to my depression. I know having an abortion will not be an easy option. In fact in considering having one it has actually resurfaced a lot of those feelings from 18 years ago but with the added guilt of knowing I’d be doing it all to myself. I still think about that baby after all these years. It’s not raw now but I still imagine her doing her a-levels and choosing university but she doesn’t haunt me like she did in the first few years. I’m terrified of feeling like that again but I’m also terrified of wanting to die which is how I felt for most of my last pregnancy. I feel like whatever I do I’m screwed to be honest.

Have you voiced your concerns with your GP unicorn?

Yes and he is being as supportive as he can but he can’t make this decision for me. He tried to re refer me to the community mental health team for some support but unfortunately they won’t accept the referral because I’m not suicidal right now.

To top this all off I’m due to get married in 5 weeks and am having to pretend to be all excited and happy. I feel like my wedding is ruined but I still have to go ahead regardless. I don’t know maybe having something else to focus on might help if I do go have the abortion but I doubt it.

I am in the same position as you. I have scan today. I have no idea what to do. Husband is adamant was can't have another one (we have two DCs already) and it would compromise our marriage. I don't think I want a third but can't face a termination. I hate this situation.

Oh Mrs grumpy I'm sorry to hear that. It's a truly terrible position to be in. I find that I cannot be certain what path I'm going to take - I'm positive for one minute that a termination is the right choice & then the next minute having a baby is the most obvious answer.... I was advised today to choose an option & then try to stick with it for 24hrs... and see how I feel about it after then. I've found that a very useful exercise....

Just as an update, i attended the hospital today & have begun the proceedings of my termination.

I feel very numb & exhausted in all honesty but I think i have made the right decision for myself & my family.

I'm happy to continue the discussion & hope you both come to a decision that you are comfortable with.

Lucky34 I’m glad you were able to come to a decision. I hope it is as easy as it can be for you hun. Sending lots of love and hugs x

Thank you.... I'm currently sitting under a blanket, with my pjs on & watching rubbish tv. I'm exhausted but can't sleep.... I've asked my partner to take my DS out for a while. How are you doing?

I really appreciate you sharing your journey. My husband and I have counselling this week so try to come to a mutual decision. The whole situation is horrendous and it doesn't help feeling exhausted and nauseous. I am now about 8 weeks. I am going to try this 24 hour decision thing. Thank you x