Need a hand hold. Not that I deserve one

[cheeseandonionalltheway]

I'm 6 weeks pregnant and started brown spotting yesterday accompanied by really strong javelin arse/fanny dagger type pains mainly down one side.

The past ten days since I found out I am pregnant have been a blur because my partner would like me to have an abortion and I'm not sure I can bring up a baby alone.

This is my third pregnancy and I've never had pains before. I'm booked in for a scan at the epu on Tuesday. I'm so scared. I've (disgustingly) almost wanted to have a miscarriage for the past week to avoid me having to make this decision. I don't know what to tell my boss as I'm supposed to be in a meeting at the time of the scan. If I was definitely going ahead with the pregnancy (assuming all is ok) then I would tell her but as I'm still undecided I don't know what to say.

I know nobody can give me the answers but it just helps to write this down x

What a worrying time for you, I didnt want to read and run

So sorry to hear this cheese. What is making you think you might not want the pregnancy?

I kind of get it. Im 7+5 with a very wanted baby and started spotting of sorts yesterday. Im having a scan tomorrow. My dp has sever health anxiety and i just feel like im struggling to cope with his anxiety and mine around the pregnancy to the point im almost detached from it.

I even said out load to dp a few weeks ago i didnt want to be pregnant. It was just fear talking though.

I am desperate to be a mother and this is my 4th pregnancy with various losses in the previous 3 including a stillbirth and i actually said those words. Circumstance makes you do funny things.

@DBoo because my other half would prefer a termination and I'm not sure I can do it alone. Very little family support as well.

@BettyBaggins thank you for reading and not running!

I'm sorry to hear of your losses @DBoo as well and I hope this one is sticky for you

There is no condemnation here, not from me, anyway. There is nothing disgusting in finding oneself in a terrible dilemma and wanting a way out. My fear when I found myself pregnant with my dearly wanted dd, my longed-for third child after a series of miscarriages, was such that I found myself almost hoping (expecting, also, but almost hoping) for a miscarriage so I wouldn't have to cope with it.

Find out what's going on and then take it from there. Can you simply tell your boss you have an emergency medical appointment?

Handhold. I lost fourth pregnancy quite late, which I had not planned and nearly had a termination so I know what it's like to feel guilty and like you asked for it. I felt I couldn't grieve because it would be hypocritical. No advice, just you're not alone

I would just say you have a medical appointment for the scan and not go onto detail. Is it possible at all the rearrange the meeting?

I am worrying about work already too,how stupid are we? I know from my history if there is something wrong i need the op so will need a good few days off work and im already thinking of cramming loads in tomo before scan just incase.

I wouldnt worry too much about what decision you want to make until you know what is going on on Tuesday. Definitely do not feel guilty either.

The bleeding has turned red so I'm pretty sure the decision has been made for me

Hope you're ok op

It may not be a miscarriage and if it isn't I hope you are able to come to a decision you are happy and at peace with

Handholding here.

I'm sorry you are in this position. If you do miscarry, it is not your fault and nothing you did or thought caused it.

A scan has confirmed its ectopic. Thank you for all your words of support x

Oh no, I'm sorry!

Horrible thing to happen whether you wanted to continue with the pregnancy or not.

Rest up and be kind to yourself!

Sending love to you, what a horrible thing to happen, I hope you are ok, please take care of yourself. I wanted to reiterate what PPs have said, it's perfectly normal to have thoughts like you've had, it in no way makes you a bad person and you DO deserve a hand hold. Pregnancy is such a scary thing whether partners are supportive or not and hormones flying everywhere don't help. The thoughts you were having had zero effect on how this pregnancy ended. Again, please take care of yourself, you are not to blame.