Second abortion in three years. Am I alone?

[googleberry1]

I’m 38 with two children aged 7 and 9 and I’ve just had my second abortion in three years.

Both terminated pregnancies were unplanned but also not completely unexpected as we weren’t using birth control. I react badly to any hormonal based contraception so charted my cycle - and clearly got it very wrong.

In both cases it was shock, denial, moving to slight excitement, and then by week 5 complete and utter debilitating nausea, headaches, dry heaving and by week 6 vomiting, which didn’t ever ease the relenting nausea. I felt like I was being poisoned and was on the floor, literally. I couldn’t care for my children and home, had to have time off work, and felt in a very dark place psychologically.

After my first termination 3 years ago I tortured myself by endless googling and realising that with medication I could have controlled the sickness. I didn’t realise it at the time (or during the hellish pregnancies with my children - no one mentioned anything other than ginger biscuits!) So this time as soon as I found out, to avoid the route I had taken before I went to the doctors and was prescribed cyclazine. I also had acupuncture, and was taking B6 and felt hopeful i could beat it. Cyclazine didn’t touch the sides as I had started to vomit, not lots but 3 times a day and lots of dry heaving in between. But it was the relenting nausea that got me. I was in tears back at the doctor and begged for something else, and I got 5 days of onadestro (sp) It worked for a few days and then all of the symptoms just broke through, I couldn’t face food or drink, the vomiting had increased, it wasn’t working for me at all.

I couldn’t see how I could manage 3 months of this (it lasted up until 17 weeks with my children) the sickness completely clouded my thinking and all I wanted was to be Mum again to my kids and not this thing shuffling from sofa, to bed to bathroom.

I made the decision to have a medical abortion which happened at 6+5, in my head I just wanted it all to stop. But like last time, as the fog of the sickness lifted all of the negative thoughts I had seemed so trivial and I now doubt how sick I was. Was it really that bad? Could I have tried harder? My husband has to keep reminding me that I was broken in that state and it was the right decision. I know it was deep down, but I’m so full of self loathing having made that decision, twice.

Before anyone says - I will be taking action on birth control. I know it was irresponsible but trust me I’ve paid the price.

I’m not sure what I want from this post, maybe to hear from someone who has gone through similar, or maybe it was more for me to write all of this down.

Thank you for taking the time to read.

No you aren’t alone.

And stop beating yourself up, you don’t need to justify your choice. You did what you believed to be the best for yourself and your family at that moment in time.
No-one wakes up one morning and decides “ ooh I know, I’ll have a termination today”
It isn’t fun or irresponsible, there are a million reasons why (or why not) and sadly we don’t live in a perfect world.
Take some time and be kind to yourself.

How horrible for you. I had really bad sickness and it was so so hard, I felt so Ill.
People don't realise until they've been through it do they? It's not like just being a bit sick. A doctor prescribed me a travel sickness tablet which I could get over the counter anyway. It helped slightly but by God it was hard.

Fellow hyperemesis sufferer here too. I struggled through my pregnancy with DS on 4 kinds of medication. It was horrific. I was off sick from week 5, under a consultant from week 6, back and forth to GP and A&E, dehydrated, hallucinating, when I could finally eat all the drugs meant I had fecal impaction because I couldnt digest anything. Our DS was much longed for but at my lowest I considered not continuing with it. Unless you’ve woken up, and vomited, then spent all day variously vomiting or trying not to, then passed out in bed trying to get to sleep before you vomit, you cannot imagine how hideous it is. Don’t beat yourself up. Please. No one can be in their right mind under that kind of physical strain. Never mind the addition of hormones. You did what was right for you at the time. Try and let it go.

Thank you for your replies - I know it was the right thing to do, I couldn’t be a Mum to my children had i continued, I basically check out of life while the sickness is there and it brings about such dark thoughts, I didn’t want it be in that place.

It’s only been 2 weeks since but feels like wherever I go, everyone is happily pregnant with their third or has had the third and saying how it was the easiest pregnancy and baby is so easy etc. Like a knife to the heart!

Time is a healer I know but just really feeling it right now.

You are not alone.

Not an easy decision in any circumstance and never ever taken lightly.

Be kind to yourself as remember your body will still be wired with pregnancy hormones.

Oh god, I'm sorry you went through this.

I've had two terminations. For different reasons and over a longer timescale but very unpleasant nonetheless.

Please be kind to yourself. You can only ever make that decision based on what is happening in your life at the time. FWIW what you were going through sounds hideous.

There’s no comparison for morning sickness, it is truly truly awful.

I’m pregnant (18 weeks) and just starting to come out of it, already I can’t remeber how bad it felt at it’s worse. But I remember the crying, the panic, the suffering.

Funnily enough, I can’t handle hormonal contraception either (I wonder if it’s linked?) so I’ve always used a copper coil. Bit painful and annoying having it in, but then 5-10 years of hormone free peace.

Thinking of you.

I can also recommend a copper coil. I also use a diaphragm at fertile times of the month as I'm terrified of being where you are

Why no condoms?

We were having a difficult time as a couple and it was the first time we’d actually been intimate in a while, so being safe, although it should have been, wasn’t on the radar. I was just happy we were connecting again, and then bam. That was part of the decision as well, all of the sickness and then PND that I had after my second just made me so petrified of ruining an already fragile relationship. Strangely, this experience has made us stronger. Every cloud I guess...

I also can’t handle hormone contraceptives and the coil failed for me. I wonder if hyperemesis and hormone sensitivity are connected?

Also had hyperemesis and hormone sensitivity

if it's any consolation, I am constantly horrified at things like "natural" birth control, complete media obsession with "it can take a long time to get pregnant if you come off the pill" when the reality - which most of us knew as teenagers surely - is that you miss one, you are at risk of pregnancy.

Isn't abortion now highest in 35-45 because we are constantly told how impossible it is to get pregnant? It's ridiculous. It's not a statistic we would ever get but I wonder how many unwanted pregnancies there are due to misinformation?

In the past I would have been unsympathetic and said "oh well you should have taken more responsiblity" but now I am hearing of people who don't even have their doctor tell them about antibiotics interfering with the pill. It's bloody ridiculous.

Two methods are always best IME.

or sterilisation but of course the NHS is busy denying women access to that now.

I definitely want a permanent method of contraception.

I now feel like the 2 weeks I knew I was pregnant i was in some sort of mad/sickness induced fog. I felt so low and depressed, probably linked to how sick I felt, and completely not maternal. I couldn’t see how I could cope physically or mentally.

Now all I see are babies and I feel really maternal - how is this even possible?? Why didn’t I feel maternal when I was actually pregnant?? I was so sure of my decision. I’m actually scared of how my changing hormones affect my mind.

I'm currently contemplating my second abortion in 11 months. So you are definitely not alone

Different reasons to you and I would like to go ahead with this pregnancy. Just need to overcome my fears and move away from the bullying man child father

I also can't handle hormonal contraceptives but got pg on the copper coil. I did tolerate mirena though maybe as the hormone delivery is localised.

So sorry that you are going through this.

I know you say you react badly to hormonal contraception, but you also react badly to pregnancies, and the method you're using isn't working. Have you sat down with your GP to go through all of the long-term contraception options in detail?