Start at beginning. Sorry long post. But this be first time talking about it even after so many years.
I started seeing this 18 year old when I was 13 got into the group with them with a few of my friends. Introduced to alcohol strong stuff, always got me to try drugs and smoke but it was a no ( still to this day i have not done either). I fell hard for him, every night we spend together with our friends. We was all close. I was free and very happy. I was always called fat and other names by some off the guys i just kept my mouth shut and brushed it off. But they bought us booze and we would have a laugh.
Sex was an issue (still a virgin till I was 16) we lasted about 2 years before we broke up, I was so heart broken. I didn't know how to handle it but even then I kept it inside of me. We still hung around with our group, we still was friends I drank more, I started to cut myself. Drinking got so bad, sex and drugs kept get bringing up a lot. Felt pressured.
By this point me and the girls started to hang around with few of guys from school. We parted from the group. I cut the drinking and started to feel myself again, no boyfriend just friends. Had a laugh we was all very close and best friends, I do miss the relationship I had with the 2 guys I had still to this day. I was still dealing with my heart break even after all that time. I got desperate I remember talking to the girls that I would have sex if we got back together. I can't remember how long but eventually we got back together but not back with the group fully, still stuck to the guys from school. They try to make me see sense but I was having none of it but we keep hanging out and stayed friends
Lasted few months But then broke up again but I got close to a new guy we both really liked each other but we was in love with different people, we agreed to wait to act on this till we got over. My ex found out I was spending time with someone else, i dont know how, but he would threaten me, we got back together but I kept in touch with the other guy in secret eventually that ended.
We had sex eventually. Drinking started and the group got back together still called fat and more names. I was more heartbroken over my friendship that I lost with the guy I liked so I just drank I rarely spoke to anyone, when I did I got silience anyway.
Fast forward few months, I found out and seen my boyfriend and best friend together together. They been seeing each other behind my back, i said by to that friendship and never seen her again. I broke, I closed myself off more from everyone. We still hung with the group, I don't even know why they was never nice to me.
2 months later I found out I was pregnant, I was happy for few minutes I just turned 16 at this point. I couldn't wait to tell him. When I did he just upped and left. Didn't hear from him for few days. Obviously he new my routine going from my mum's house to my dad's and what days. He waited for me. We talked and decided to give us another shot, he then forced himself on me I kept saying no, but I just closed off after this it was always him forcing himself on me, even if he had people with him, he would do it in front off them mostly the group we hung around.
One very late night we got into an argument and he just kept pushing me to ground kept laughing in my face. I can't even remember what argument was about. But something woke in me that night. How can I bring a child in to this, I didn't know what to do, I didn't have anyone to turn to. My mum found out i was pregnant, she was upset next thing I know I was at doctors asking to get rid, they rushed me an appointment to get abortion. One minute I was sat there between my mum and nana waiting to go down the next I was laying there ready to be put asleep it was 10.47am I was about to say stop but I was under fast. I woke up feeling empty and broken. I was that much in a shell and closed off I don't remember days inbetween. He didn't know I got rid of the baby but I had to tell him it took me a week after by this point i had not seen him for about 3 weeks, I stayed in my bedroom no contact with anyone.
The day came that He was sat in my mum's house, house empty but we both new my mum be home in an hours time. He sat and i stud acting brave but was empty and scared on the inside. I told him I got rid of the baby. I can't remember his reaction I have blocked most of it out. I kept getting phone calls he told everyone I lied about the baby. Few days later he and the group was banging on my door threatening me I was a coward and phoned someone. After this day they kept away. Years later my mum said it was my step dad at the time. I didn't want to know what he did. I never spoke to Anyone about it. Everyone thought I was happy but I don't remember ever smiling no One expect me and him new what happened, to this day I feel ashamed at how I let him treat me and I do not know what I ever did. I remember being called child murder. It has stayed with me all this time. It still feel a loss and think about the baby I got rid off and what ifs. From this experience of my life I still carry it with me, I'm still closed off, I don't let anyone in, I don't have friends as I do not easily trust.
He came looking for me when I was pregnant with my daughter. He was saying I kept the baby. I cut contact with anyone from that part of my life. So no idea where he got that from, he never found me. I came clean to my boyfriend now my husband but he does not know all of it. My daughter is 9 soon. I mean I'm happily married And been together for 14 years married for 4. But I'm thinking about it more lately mostly when I'm on my own once everyone is asleep.
I can't turn to anyone, even my husband, i know i should but i just cant. Yet i cant stop thinking about the past, i cant seem to close that book. So that a why I'm posting on here and it has took me months to finally put it up. It's easier to turn to strangers than people you know. People probably say get over it it was 15 years ago. But I feel I need to get it off my chest. I need to turn somewhere.