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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

Booked in for termination but absolutely devastated, I don't know what to do

23 replies

Hayleyg4 · 13/05/2018 22:52

Hi. I've recently found out I'm pregnant and have booked in for a termination on Tuesday. I already have 4 children and there's no way I wanted anymore but I just can't stop feeling so awful and emotional going through this. I've had a termination a long time ago and swore to myself I never would again but the circumstances now are so difficult. I'm really careful and my youngest is 2 1/2 and my partner was booked in for a vasectomy that he's cancelled 3 times because he's scared which is one of the reasons I'm so angry with him. The other reason is because there can only be one instance when I could have got pregnant. I woke up and he was having sex with me and finished inside me without a condom which I always make him wear. I got the morning after pill which has clearly not worked because I still fell pregnant. So now I'm in this position where I have no space, money or time for another baby but honestly don't think I can cope with having a termination and my partner is just saying we can't keep it although I just blame him. Has anyone else been i. This soruation and been ok emotionally after? Sorry it's such a long post. Oh and I wasn't on contraception as it makes me so moody and my dr won't give me the pill as I suffer from migraines.

OP posts:

Guacamoledip · 13/05/2018 22:54

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Do you have anyone you can speak to or have you had counselling through the clinic?
I’m sorry but you woke up and he was having sex with you? This is rape. I hope I’ve misunderstood.

Littlelambpeep · 13/05/2018 22:58

Op - it is certainly rape.

JackietheBackie · 13/05/2018 23:00

I think a termination is a sensible option at the moment. I would also urge you to consider this relationship. The only reason you are pregnant is because this man has not taken any responsibility for contraception. You should be furious. And to echo the previous poster, if you woke up to him having sex with you, then that is rape. He raped you. Without a condom. He is not a good partner. Whether you continue with the pregnancy or not, you should seriously think about terminating your relationship.

BusterGonad · 13/05/2018 23:00

I agree, he raped you. What a terrible situation to be in.

HollowTalk · 13/05/2018 23:01

To be honest, I'd go through with the termination - it's such early days now - and I'd dump that guy. He does not have your interests at heart. He has sex with you while you're asleep - you know what that is, don't you? Not only did he do that, he didn't wear a condom, which is another crime against you - you wouldn't have agreed to sex without one. What an awful man.

Namechange128 · 13/05/2018 23:05

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. Was he awake when having sex with you, asleep? Because if so then yes, you have been assualted and also have every right to feel separately outraged about this and to seek further help if you need.

On the termination - have you spoken with them about how you are feeling? The clinic is unlikely to provide you with a termination if you express the type of serious doubts you've expressed above, however you will have access to unlimited counselling until you have reached your own decision.

Something I was told when considering a termination that helped me - for some women this is an easy decision, but for many of us it is a 'least worst' decision, so don't expect that one answer will feel 100% right. There are many women that would like a baby but for health reasons, or to help look after the children they already have, will choose a termination, but with some sadness. Others might have reasons to terminate but ultimately choose to continue the pregnancy, also with some sadness. Whichever way you go, there is going to be some regret, that's ok, and make sure you have support for you at such a difficult time.

Original poster

Hayleyg4 · 13/05/2018 23:10

Thank you for your responses. Yes I do agree with you all that it was rape, he's done it a few times now and I've told him he's out of order but for it now to come to me having to terminate a baby when I shouldn't be pregnant I don't think I'll ever forgive him for this. I'm waiting for Tuesday to be over and will tell him to leave I think. Again thank you all so much, it's nice to have people on my side as I'm a very private person and don't like talking about my business to others, even my friends as I feel ashamed and so guilty. And yes the clinic have offered councilling which I'm going to call tomorrow as I feel so sad tonight xx

OP posts:

Littlelambpeep · 13/05/2018 23:13

Hayley you really dont deserve this and you didn't cause the situation. I hope this goes some way to help you cope on Tuesday.
Sending massive hugs and the strength to leave him.

Growingboys · 13/05/2018 23:13

OP I'm so sorry for you.

What he did was disgusting. I hope you have the strength to leave him.

Good luck with your decision. Xxx

looondonn · 13/05/2018 23:13

im so sorry to hear this

hope you are ok

I am very shocked that he did this to you!! awful

will be thinking of you - this is not easy at all

HarryLovesDraco · 13/05/2018 23:16

Oh my word
A termination is the sensible option not least because you don't need another baby to tie you to this rapist. Of course it must be your choice.
Once you have come to a conclusion about the pregnancy please make plans to leave him. He's awful.

Original poster

Hayleyg4 · 13/05/2018 23:18

Namechange thank you. Yes he was awake. He doesn't really see any problem with it which infuriates me but since finding out I'm pregnant I've also made him sleep downstairs and have barely spoken to him...he keeps asking what's wrong with me!!!

And I know from when I had a termination along time ago that they'll be very wary to go ahead if I'm in 2 minds or very upset. I had to make 3 seperate appointments before they would agree to it as I was so upset and hence promised myself I would never be in that position again!! And as much as I would love to say its ok I'll keep the baby it's just not fair on my other children and they have to be my main priority.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hayleyg4 · 13/05/2018 23:20

Thank you all so much for your support it honestly means so much to me and makes me feel stronger about Tuesday xx

OP posts:

BakedBeans47 · 13/05/2018 23:24

Poor you x

Please don’t feel guilty - your partner is a horrible man and a rapist. This is all his fault.

NotClear · 13/05/2018 23:31

OP, not sure if you've changed your mind from your opening thoughts, but if not, I'd like to say nobody should terminate
When they feel as strongly about it as you do. There is always another way. I hope you have peace

EllenRipley · 13/05/2018 23:32

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I'm very much pro-choice but have never felt in a position to give an opinion on whether a woman should or shouldn't terminate a pregnancy... but as soon as I read this my thoughts were terminate and get the hell out of this relationship. I think you will find it easier to live with your decision once you're free of this man. It's despicable that he's put you in this situation. You do also have the option to report him. Whatever he says, this is not a grey area - he's a rapist.
I wish you the very best. I hope you have some support x

expatmigrant · 14/05/2018 15:03

I very rarely comment on personal issues MN but felled compelled to say that I am in complete agreement with EllenRipley.
Also pro-choice but in your case my first thought was, terminate, and then get the hell out of this relationship.
If you decide to have the abortion and subsequently also decide not to report him for rape, please get counselling asap.
I hope you have support from family and friends in RL. If i knew you i would want to give you the biggest hug.

Original poster

Hayleyg4 · 14/05/2018 21:16

Thank you again all of you for the support, I've had a busy day and just catching up with the messages. I'm feeling shit and so angry that I'm in this horrible position and he's been walking around tonight whistling to Dora the explorer like he has no cares in the world! I do have an amazing mum and some fab friends who will support me, I just feel bad offloading my problems onto them although they don't mind! Thank you for making me feel stronger xx

OP posts:

EllenRipley · 15/05/2018 00:22

Good luck OP. Glad you are feeling stronger. I imagine this is exactly the kind of situation that close friends and family would want you to share with them and you thoroughly deserve unconditional support and kindness. X

TuTru · 15/05/2018 00:34

You will be ok, do what you feel is right for YOU XX

expatmigrant · 15/05/2018 07:57

Good to hear that you have support in RL.
Will be thinking of you today. X

JackietheBackie · 16/05/2018 02:36

Hope you are OK and things went safely and smoothly for you. Your Mum and friends won't mind you leaning on them for a while.

SnowGoArea · 16/05/2018 03:00

What a position he's put you in, you have every right to be angry, I'm fuming on your behalf just reading this

I would really urge you to share with your mum or friends - as good as mumsnet is, it's no match for great real life support.

And don't rush your decision. You don't have to terminate, there are always other options

Lastly, he raped you. If you want to go to the police that is something you can do, even though it hasn't only just happened. Not saying you should or shouldn't as that's your choice alone, just IF you want to.

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