Unsure whether to abort or keep baby

[Jensoud]

really do with some advice. I'm currently 6 weeks pregnant and very unsure about my choice. I'm 26 going on 27 and I am a full time practitioner in prison and also currently doing my postgrad degree. My boyfriend who is 49 have been on and off for a year and a half. He has a daughter from his previous marriage who was conceived through I've as they did not think he was fertile. When I found out I was pregnant I was in shock and cried a lot. My boyfriend wants me to have an abortion. When I told him I have decided to keep the child he disappeared and I have not heard from him since. My parents are not being supportive at all. My mother told me that I'm a failure and she always knew I would be a single mother and that I can kiss my career and study goodbye..and also that my entire family is incredibly disappointed in me and that i am ruining their lives. They do not like my boyfriend at all which is very understandable but she has been incredibly cruel and said that this baby is a side effect of my immature actions of giving him another chance. Now she is not talking to me. I have told my boss who I have a great relationship with (he is a father of 3 so he understands this). He has been very supportive and has reassured me that he will support me in any way he can and he knows how important my career is and my job is safe once I cone back from maternity leave. I am considering abortion again as I am scared and unsure about whether I am strong enough for this..please help.

Gosh, poor you.

It’s a cliche but it is about what you want.

Being a single mother doesn’t mean kissing your career goodbye, although you know it won’t be easy or cheap!

What do you actually want?

Oh op. I'm sorry you're in this situation. I don't have much advice but really didn't want to read and run.
Shame on your boyfriend for disappearing and shame on your mum. Regardless of whether your in a good situation or not she should give you the love and support you need because you're in the situation you're in!
I don't have an answer of whether you should get an abortion or not - you previously decided to keep the baby so what led you to choosing that? I think there are counselling options available to those who are considering abortion it might be worth looking into them. You still have a bit of time before you need to make your decision so deep breath and all that.
Do you have a girlfriend/aunt/anyone female you can talk it out with too?

Thank you for your kind reply. I love kids. I've always dated men with children and I absolutely adore them. But a part of me is afraid that I cannot give my child what they deserve financially and that having a father like baby's biological father will be incredibly difficult..

I have spoken to wonderful older female friends who are in their 50s and 60s and they have been incredibly supportive and said I would make an amazing mum. I am a counsellor by profession and have a psych degree and I've always been fascinated by child development.. I should add that I moved out of home at 15 and my mother has never really wanted to be a mother. I also have a 16 year old brother (we were both accidents) and my mother always said that if she knew what kids would be like as teenagers she would have never had either of us.

Op, sorry to hear about your situation. You talk about what your mother and boyfriend want, but not what you actually want. No need to decide whether YOU want an abortion or not - it’s not fair for others to pressure you one way or another. Do you have another close friend or family member you can talk to who will be more neutral?

In your situation I'd abort and give yourself a chance to sort out your studies and find a great partner.

I found having a baby with a supportive partner incredibly hard. I wouldn't have wanted to do it on my own and without any other support.

Depends what you’re used to HouseMouse

I’m not remotely anti abortion - have had one myself - but having a baby alone without any other support is what you make it and all. But it’s what the OP wants that matters here.

I am very pro choice and have no issue with abortion per say (although I have never been through). I am scared of giving my child a father like my ex who is i capable of offering the emotional support that an adult needs let alone a child..

OP your mum sounds like she’ll say anything to hurt you and get a reaction! St least you’ll know the kind of parent you don’t want to be!! Sounds like you want to be a parent! I was a single mum for many years! Those were some of the most precious times of my life! Do what you want! As for the father, I’d say good riddens! Good luck lovely x

I"m so sorry about the lack of support you are facing. It must be really hard to hear your own voice in all that. But, if I'm being totally honest, it sounds from your 08.39 post as if you would like to have this child but that your mother's experience and negativity about motherhood / your relationship with her is making it hard to see a baby as a positive. If I've misunderstood then I'm really sorry but if not, then do remember that you are not your mother and there's no reason why your experience should be the same as hers (particularly with your knowledge and understanding of child development).

I was lucky to be in a supportive relationship when I had DC but I do have friends who have done it alone (and at a young age) and while it has been very hard (and I have a huge amount of respect for them for coping) none has regretted it.

For me it would be about what I could provide for this child - financially, emotionally etc and did I have the support network to do that. I know people do an amazing job on their own and make it work and it wouldn't be the end of your career but for me if I had the choice to wait to be in a position to wait and do it at the 'right time' (I know that doesn't always exist with all the will in the world!). If you have this child you will always have a connection with this 'man' - do you want that? You're only young, you have so much time ahead of you. You will be strong enough for either decision, be kind to yourself

It sounds like your mother is jealous in all honesty!

She didn't find motherhood easy/pleasant/etc, doesn't sound the slightest bit maternal, and seems incredibly cruel by nature!

You on the other hand sound like you're the complete opposite to all of those things. Being a single parent is incredibly difficult, and expensive where a career is involved, but it's also amazingly rewarding! I was a working single mum to my first two before I met my husband (now on baby5!). I wouldn't have changed any of it!!

My mother was nasty and cruel throughout all of my pregnancy announcements and life choices but at the end of the day, it's OUR lives not our mother's.

Good luck OP, you'll surprise yourself with how strong you are, whichever decision you make! X

I think you know you can disregard what your mum has to say, you know you’re not a failure and it sounds like she has a lot of issues of her own, as does your boyfriend. Decide what you want to do, you can’t change, control or make other people happy. You don’t need anyone’s permission to do what you want- not your mum, boss, friends or boyfriend. If you want to keep it you can do it alone, he doesn’t need to be involved at all, if he doesn’t want to be. Your boss sounds supportive and continuing studying is possible during maternity leave. Good luck OP

*to clarify

Jealous of how you've turned out as a person despite her best efforts to put you down at every turn (going by what you've posted previously). With your career etc. not jealous of the pregnancy.

It sounds from your post that you're considering abortion more due to other peoples reactions than your own feelings. Not once have you said 'I don't want this baby'. Of course if you don't then that's absolutely your choice, but you shouldn't be feeling you should make that choice based on other peoples reactions.

Your job is legally protected and your boss sounds reasonable, so that's a major plus.
It sounds like you may not have much support though that's not a definite, some family's and dads will react differently once the baby is here, though some may not so that's something to bare in mind.
Do you have many friends/colleagues for emotional support?
If you were to have the baby you could also meet other mums at baby groups etc and build a support network.

Look into universal credit and maternity leave to work out what support you would get. If you went back part time or are on a lower wage you may qualify to get help towards childcare costs too.

You're not very young and it sounds like you have a good career and are in a better position that some other single mums who still manage fine. Is your qualification able to be put on hold for a year?

There is nothing about your situation that means you can't have a baby from what you've said, if you are sure about what you want to do then I would state that to your family and refuse to engage in any further conversation about it for your emotional wellbeing.
I hope things get easier for you soon.

Thank you for all your kindness everyone. A lot of people who know both me and my mother have made comments about her jealousy towards me. She never enjoyed motherhood and was always nasty when I was growing up..comments about weight here and there (I had an eating disorder growing up), comments about me ending up being a prostitute etc. My life and my outlook is very different from hers..I work in a high security prison in the therapeutic unit and adore my job and my boss has always remarked that I have a gift as a counsellor and I've never taken that for granted. But this is by far the biggest challenge that I've had to face and it is incredibly lonely and not as joyous as I wish it was..

Only have an abortion if you genuinely want to have one, not just because other people have made you feel like you "should" have one. Your mother and your ex sound incredibly selfish and cruel. Your boss sounds understanding so I wouldn't worry about your job if I was you. Do you have family and friends that care about you? Surround yourself with them and not the two people who have upset you.

You can’t let your ‘boyfriend’ or your Mother’s opinions sway you in any way. At 49, he really should know better than to shirk his responsibilities like that but I suppose it goes to show, some people never mature. It really is your decision to make and yours alone. If you think you can cope then go for it, you will never regret a child.

Also, if you do keep the baby you shouldn't assume you will be a single mother forever. There are plenty of nice, supportive guys out there who have absolutely no issue in becoming amazing 'dads' to their partner's children. It sounds like you have a relatively good job too. As long as you have even one supportive friend who can give you a helping hand when baby comes then I think you should stay positive and go for it xx

Your mother will be horrid to you whatever you say or do. If you do have an abortion she will switch and say you are evil for that. After this is over I would take this as the point to slowly remove her from your life, you do not want her effect on your children. Your family are not disappointed in you and think you have done amazingly in your career.

So taking away what the sperm donor and your mother (loose terminology) feel, it’s just simply whether you want to bring up a child now as a single parent. Nothing to do with anyone else’s views.

You sound a lovely person

Hi OP, I couldnt read this and not reply. I was in a similar situation to you but much younger.

I was 18 when I found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend at the time told me to abort, I went to the hospital and couldn’t go through with it.

He was a horrible, nasty person and needless to say we separated soon after baby was born. 8 years on, Ive been a single mum, been to college and university and have a very successful career! My son is now 8 and is flourishing in every aspect.

This is entirely your decision and I wouldn’t let anyone else sway you. It’s scary but it can be done and listening to the sort of person you are, I have no doubt that if you want your baby, you’ll do an amazing job and continue to do well for yourself too xx

I absolutely agree with the PPs, that this is your decision, not your mother's or your boyfriend's. I'm not trying to sway you one way or other.
I would just like to give you my experience of being a single mum - my much loved DH died when our two kids were still babies in nappies, my parents were abusive shits and my nearest relative lived 300 miles away. I am on the autistic spectrum and find it hard to make friends, so had no support network either. And my childminder had a mental breakdown after my DH's death, so couldn't take the kids any more. But you know what? We managed.
I found a wonderful nanny, went back to full time work, the kids grew up, and they're now happily settled in graduate jobs. Yes it was tough, and I was exhausted for the early years, but we all survived and I'm really proud of my girls.
All I'm saying is, if you really want to have this baby, you will cope. No matter how unpromising the circumstances, even with no support and your cruel obnoxious mother, you can still do it.
But you have a completely free choice about it. If it is not what you want at this stage in your life, then of course have a termination, and don't regret what would be a perfectly sensible decision. Just don't choose it out of fear of being a single mum in difficult circumstances, because all that can be overcome.
Take a little time ( you have a couple of weeks to mull things over), and decide what YOU want. Because this choice has to be the right one for you, and only you. Best wishes.

Shame on your boyfriend, shame on your parents.

You need to sit down, have some 'me time' and really work out what YOU want. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a single parent. There is also nothing wrong with deciding that this isn't the right time for you.

If it's any consolation, I used to work in a prison (ok, I was only a prison officer however it was a tough job, the toughest I've ever done!). But I know many many people who had children and continued on with their careers, from the nurses, officers, teachers, to the religious staff and medical staff. It's part of life and will not necessarily stunt your career.

Whatever you choose, you WILL manage. You just have to.