Does a baby always change marriage for the worse??

[Oaktree273]

I am 38.5 and getting married next month. My partner is 11 years younger. We have decided to immediately try for baby due to my age. We have been together 3 happy years and discussed our hopes and wishes openly and honestly and are on the same page. Due to my previous childhood circumstances I never met anyone or had a heathy relationship until I met him (lots of therapy happened before this time and I sorted myself out), and we have really enjoyed the last 3 years and been incredibly happy and healthy. If I could wave a magic wand, my ovaries would be aged about 27, so that I could wait another 5 years and continue enjoying this time together (!). However the reality means we both realise we need to get on with it. I have had private fertility checks over the last 2 years to ensure I am in as good a position as I can be / no unforeseen issues, and have been making my body healthy and getting to know my cycle in preparation, but we are still aware of the odds and risks at my age - however there is not much I can do about that and all I can do is be healthy and prepared as I can be.

The one thing I want to know, is this. Will it be possible for us to retain our loving and healthy, fun, happy marriage whilst bringing a child into the equation? I am terrified that the hell of new baby will damage our relationship. I have heard so many horror stories about the pressure and toll it takes on a marriage. I don't want to end up losing the affection and romance, adventure, fun, sex and laughter. I don't want to start viewing my partner (and him me) through different eyes (as simply the father of my child) and stop seeing each other as we do now as individuals in our own right as well as partners etc. I know our relationship will obviously move on / shift, as it has done at each new stage since we first met / moved in / became engaged etc, and that parenthood is the biggest yet, but I am terrified of it changing us for the worse. I see couples with children in restaurants not talking to each other, not looking at each other, and I see friends that don't seem to have real conversations anymore, just talk about the child / household etc, and who tell me they rarely have sex / never hold hands and so on.

I am really trying not to have rose-tinted glasses and know that there are immense challenges ahead - believe me I am bloody terrified. But I just want to know if we can still have fun, love, affection, sex, romance and passion in our lives as what we have is so beautiful and I have finally found happiness. I definitely want a family with my DP and to have our child, so it is not cold feet and I do not want to feel resentful of a baby if things change. There is an element of pressure due to my age but we have been open and honest about our fears and have had to be practical in this decision.

Are there any real life stories of where couples have continued passion, laughter, intellectual conversation, lust and romance or am I being naive? If this can be achieved then how?

I would say that for the first few weeks/months even our relationship wasn’t great but DD is now a year and I think all the challenges have made us stronger and I feel more united/connected to him as a result of having a baby together.
It’s by no means perfect and it has exposed cracks that I wasn’t aware of but they can all be moved through. The big turning point for us was when DD started going to bed at 7.30 as we get a bit of time together each night.
I think if a relationship is not great then the effects of a baby can make it worse and widen the cracks that were already there.

Hi there, I'm 35, my DP is 10 years younger and we've been together for 3 years too. We have a wonderful harmonious relationship and value our time together so much. We too enjoy all the aspects of a relationship that you describe.

I am currently 7 weeks pregnant and although we're both over the moon, I have the same fears as you. I can't offer much advice but just wanted to let you know you're not alone in those worries x

Not at all. My husband described it as going from 2d to 3d. Some of the best things and biggest achievements in life are the hardest.

It changes things. There’s less passion or opportunity for spontinaity, but you know that going in. We have to girls with 26 months between them and it’s been a long four years where our relationship has been at the bottom of the list but now the younger one is heading towards two things are easier and we are getting more time for ourselves again. I think just be realistic: things won’t be the same but as long as you keep communicating you can stay happy.

We are just over a year in to being parents, and I'd say if anything, we are stronger than we have ever been.

We both adore the little one, the worst of the sleep deprivation is done and we have a really lovely family dynamic.

I think the big thing is how much you pull together as a unit to work as parents and share the tedious jobs like bottle prep and house work.

Now, that may all change if baby number two comes along!

Our kids have brought us even closer. Having babies & small children is really hard work but you need to focus on each other as a couple too.

You need to try to help each other out. I'm rubbish without sleep so I would go to bed at 9 & he's stayed up late & did the 10.30 feed & meant I got a decent 5 hr sleep.

Try not to let little things fester & annoy you & talk to each other

We laugh all the time! Just about different things than we used to. Dynamics shifted and there is a period of adjustment where things can, and do (for a lot of people ime) get difficult and can be strained. We found that if we embraced the change rather than try and hang on to things that were too hard to sustain, that we moved forward together and things were still amazing, but in different ways! I wouldn't be without him, but we have had tough times.

We are two years in and love it but we haven't had a night out together since DS was born, we no longer share a room/bed and we are constantly fighting for childcare/personal time.
It's brilliant but I would say romance and adventure goes and in place is the greatest love and the best team feeling you will ever know.
You will work it out x

As long as you both put in an equal amount of effort and you both make time for each other it should be ok.
My husband did as much as i did and we go out on a date night once a week and we don’t talk about our kids!!

Providing you work as a team, it's fine. We are just as strong and happy as ever. I don't think it's changed out relationship at all if I'm honest.

It can be hard and stressful, and it can affect the way you spend time, but at the same time it is bloody amazing to see a child you made together, who is part of you, develop & grow up - kids are amazing!! Can be hard work, don't get me wrong, especially in the first few months especially as you all adjust. But it really can be magical too.

It sure changes things. But you don't know how until it happens. I know dh would have liked more time together before we had ds (I was pregnant within 8 weeks of meeting ). What he didn't know (because I was never going to tell him) was that having ds was what kept us together. I remember calling him when I'd done the pregnancy test and telling him he'd given me the most wonderful gift of my life. I never forgot that he made me a mother and my love for him was much deeper as a result. The amount of shit we went through in our 15 years together was absolutely monumental, and very sadly I was widowed earlier this year. But OMG our life as lovers and parents was in technicolour compared to our rather boring lives beforehand. We both laughed more, swore more (well that was me) and were more completely ourselves because we had ds.

Sorry, got emotional. Hope you have all the fun we had, and as little of the crap as is humanly possible!