Need to make a decision

[Selfishirresponsible]

Hi there,

I am looking for some advice or perspective if possible please.
I’m 35 and have been seeing someone since December, I’ve known him as a friend for a while but we are now in the early stages of a relationship. To my absolute shock, just over a week ago I found out I was pregnant. I’m on the pill but can’t guarantee I’ve taken it on time, every single day and that nothing has interfered with it (being sick after getting drunk for example). I don’t remember having a period since December, but have been so busy and preoccupied with work and life in general that I didn’t pay much attention. I know I am utterly ridiculous and completely irresponsible.

Looking back, I cannot believe I am now around 13 weeks pregnant without realising. I put down the feelings of nausea to “coming down with something” and thought I’d somehow messed my pill up which made me feel like I had permanent PMT, this explained the tiredness and sore breasts. Anyway, I am definitely pregnant and now wonder how on earth I didn’t realise beforehand.

I am shocked, panicked and just don’t know what to do. Having children was something I’ve thought about but I’ve never had a strong opinion either way, it’s a bit weird I know. My knee jerk reaction was to make an appointment to have a termination and this was due to happen tomorrow. Upon talking to both Marie Stopes and BPAS and realising how far gone I was, it was going to be a surgical abortion under general anaesthetic. However, my appointment has now been cancelled by the clinic and they now can’t see me until the beginning of April when I will be over 15 weeks pregnant.

I was going to have the abortion secretly and not say anything to the man I am seeing because he trusted me to take my birth control pill properly but I’ve let him down and betrayed his trust by not being careful – this wasn’t something I did deliberately, I am just completely useless at taking my pill. I know he does want children eventually but not right now.

I also think I will have done irreparable damage to the baby. I’ve been drinking, smoking an e-cigarette and taking a high dose of anti-depressants throughout the past 13 weeks and when I did a search on my anti-depressants it mentioned all sorts of birth defects. I have an appointment with my GP tomorrow morning to discuss this and to see if she can refer me for some counselling – although the damage I’ve already done to the baby cannot be undone.

I’m wondering if I should go ahead with the abortion because of the potential damage I have done and my irresponsible behaviour clearly showing I am not fit to be a mother. I am also concerned of the effect having a baby will have on our relationship which makes me feel even more selfish.

Is it a terrible thing to do if I go ahead with the abortion in secret? Does the father have a right to know? I’m in such a mess I don’t know what to do and I am realising some awful things about myself that have really shocked and disappointed me.

Any advice or perspective on this would be gratefully received, thank you for reading.

No it wouldn't be a terrible thing to do and no he doesn't have a right to know. It's your body and absolutely your right to chose to terminate this pregnancy. It's also completely up to you who you chose to tell or not tell about it. 3 months is no time at all in a relationship so I imagine this is a big shock. If you were my friend I would advise you to take some time to think but you don't really have much time so your instincts and gut reactions are important. The bottom line is, do you want to have a baby now? If so then speak to your doctor about the potential risks of the anti depressants (I imagine that unless your drinking has been really very heavy it won't need to be considered - lots of women drink before they realise they're pregnant so I don't think it, in itself would be reason to terminate). If not then go ahead with the termination.

Hi

I didn't want to read and run. I've read about unknown pregnancies until further along than you when the mother drank, smoked etc and the baby has been ok. I'm sure the GP will be able to reassure you and there are blood tests and scans available.

Would you be able to tell your partner and share this decision? You haven't betrayed him, it wasn't your fault you had a contraceptive fail, if he wanted to be sure, he should have used condoms.

I am pro choice but know first hand that after 35 your chances of getting pregnant again do go down, this could be a blessing in disguise.

Good luck with whatever you decide 💐

Please don't blame yourself, nothing is 100% unless you abstain from sex.

He knew there was a risk when he had unprotected sex with you, so please don't take this all on your shoulders and take all the blame.

Can you speak to any family about this?? Don't make this decision on your own

Your body, your choice.

Given your age, if you want DC this is a factor to take into account.

Speak to the gp about the risks about the anti-d drugs,I wouldn’t be wore about the effects of alcohol myself and so many people I know have drank like fish before we realised- honestly I was worried sick needlessly dd is absolutely fine.
Think about what you want op 💐

You will be able to tell by now probably if you've caused any damage due to the antiD's. It would likely show on a scan already the proven risks from them.

Could that help you in your decision? You will have to have a scan to get an abortion whatever.

Thank you everyone for replying, I really appreciate you taking the time to do that and it has helped hearing your perspectives.

My GP appointment was this morning but when I arrived they told me I was 20 minutes late and couldn't see the GP. I was sure I had an 8.30 appointment and feel very stupid for getting it wrong. I broke down in the surgery as had psyched myself up for the appointment but the receptionist didn't give two hoots and said my GP was not available till next Thursday. (I wanted to see her in particular as she knows all my mental health history) It was my fault so I shouldn't really complain, I've made an appointment with a different GP on Monday morning to ask about my medication and to see if she can get me referred to have some counselling as I am so confused about what to do, in the meantime my life is on hold.

I know I don't want to have a baby right now but I also don't want to risk not being able to conceive in the future. I think I would have gone through with my surgical abortion had my appointment not been cancelled, now I'm wondering if it's some sort of sign I should pay attention to.

Sorry to hear this. There are pregnancy choices advisory services you might be able to talk to on the phone before Monday.

It sounds like you want a sign OP?

Op please don't beat yourself up about failed contraception, DP is equally responsible, if he wanted to be sure you didn't get pregnant he should have used condoms as well as you being on the pill.

It is entirely your decision ...as you are so unsure (and l was you once although married) try thinking about how you will feel 5 ,10, 15 years down the line for both options.....

Imagine what your possible futures would look like and most importantly how you feel deep down (put practicalities aside first)

As for any woman it is a big decision and you don't want to have regrets...good luck in whatever you decide..

You seem to have thought this through very rationally given that you have only found out so recently. I don't see a urging wrong with having the abortion before telling him but if you want to have a long term relationship I would strongly recommend telling him when you are ready. This would be a difficult secret to burden yourself with. Do you have someone that you can trust to take you to and from your appointment?

Oh and I really don't think it is fair to shoulder the blame for the contraceptive failure. The pull has a high failure rate. If I were a man I would never have unprotected sex with a woman who was only on the pill.