today i wondered if i did the right thing.

[stillvicarinatutu]

i had a medical termination for Trisomy 21 (downs syndrome) in june 2016. i was mid 40 then. I know she was a girl. i named her, had her blessed and cremated. her father did not want a disabled child but was not what i could call supportive through that time and i coped mainly alone. just a fact. no judgment needed on him or me for that.

i have 2 adult dc. 26 and 20 to ex dh who is supportive. the eldest has aspergers syndrome and school was a fight for funding and services from start to finsih. it was me that fought that battle, it pushed me to the edge at times. DS is now a fully functioning adult. he lives in a foreign country and holds down decent jobs in IT. he has a girlfriend i doubt ill meet for a long time due to the country he lives in. (half way round world and communist)

today on facebook i saw the lad bible post - the car pool karioke - 50 mums with 50 4 year olds with down syndrome.

and it has hit me like a tonne of bricks.

i was pretty sure at the time i had done right by all my children - my dd wanted to be involved with new pg and i feared it would be her that ended up looking after her half sibling with Downs.
i researched the prognosis. heart problems. sight problems. hearing problems. early onset dementia. autism (done that one and bought the T shirt) childhood cancer. learning disabilty. i terminated and whilst never ever happy or comfortable with that decision i did think it was for the best for a whole myriad of reasons.

now ive seen that video. i didnt seek it out. im thinking of coming off social media altogether.
those children were beautiful. loved. happy. and i would have loved any child i had regardless though i have no doubt i would have been doing it alone by now. she would have been 14 months old. my career would have been out of the window. id have been penniless and without housing. (i have an IVA and have to make a certain amount each month to stop me going bankrupt which would mean ex dh loses the house and dd would be homeless - the house is now ex dhs and dd lives there too)

i know i did what i did for the right reasons.
but that video. 50 little happy faces. 50 mums who were just mums with no care or regard for a label.
im very sad tonight. im just posting this because there is no one i can turn to to talk this over with. no one at all.

Oh you poor thing. My mum made the same decision as you about 20 years ago. It was definitely the right decision for us all, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have moments like you’re having.
It’s great that people are seeing more about what life can be like with children with Down’s Syndrome, but that doesn’t mean that people like you and my mum were wrong. You made the decision that was right for you. That’s ok.

termination never sat right with me. i kept telling myself i did it for all the right reasons. now i just arent sure anymore they were the right reasons. i will not be able to speak to anyone about how im feeling.
i do believe id have been a single parent and mid 40s alone with a disabled child would have been so hard. but i just cant get that bloody video out of my head.

Don’t forget, it’s an edited video designed to tug at the heart strings. It’s a tiny snapshot. You also don’t know those women’s circumstances: younger, their only chance to have kids, well supported by partners, etc. Or maybe they do struggle and suffer (but then they wouldn’t be in the video!). They have also picked the kids with a high degree of health - like autism, it is a spectrum, from those who are mildly (even positively) affected right up to the profoundly disabled. You were not able to manage every possibility in your circumstances so you made the right decision.

It’s a lovely video, but it’s basically fake. All these videos of any cute kids doing cute things are. They don’t show the bad bits! It’s a set up designed to celebrate, which is great, but it doesn’t change all the reasons for you And your family that made your decision the right one.

thank you so much x
ive deactivated my fb account.

Why would you say the video is fake ????? The mum's are trying really hard to show althe real perspective of Downs Syndrome!
Do you actually know anyone with Downs??? Have a relationship ????
I'm guessing no!!!!!!

Honestly I'm really sorry that you are struggling with your decisions but you must have made them for reasons which are important to you .....please don't okay down the importance of this video...itv50 mum's with 50 kids who live wonderful if not slightly complicated lives!
Downs Syndrome is not the life sentence some people make it out to be ......

Actually, I volunteer with RDA and work in a separate sphere a lot with children with autism as well as whoever comes to RDA, including a number of lovely children with DS.

My point was, which you seem to have misunderstood, is that All videos on tv and online are selected and edited! Every cute video of every child ever or every cute little animal doing funny/adorable things is a few minutes of adorableness. I’m not being disablist - I’m actually being the opposite, which is saying that ALL CUTE VIDS of anything cute is an edited selection ie a fake representation of real life. It’s the same with reality tv. We get the best bits thst will appeal to the audience, or get lots of likes on YouTube/Facebook.
Life with kids is tough. Being an older single parent is even tougher. My mum was one at 42 and it was fucking hard. Op made the right decision for her family.

im not playing down the importance of the video in any way am i?
im saying i found it very difficult and it opened a lot of old wounds for me.

i have gone back to ARC for the first time in a long time because im struggling.

a lovely lady there sent me the stats in regard DS. 50% of DS infants have heart defects.
*50% of people with DS face major mental health difficulty during their lifetime.
*25% of people with DS have symptoms of Alzheimers by age 35. By age 60, as many as 70% have full-blown Alzheimers.
*10% of people with DS have autistic spectrum disorders.

im not down playing the importance of awareness or taking away others choices. i salute anyone who is raising children with extra needs - ive done it and its hard work.
i just couldnt take the gamble. this video made me feel all kinds of pain that i thought was in the past. and nags thank you for giving me a reality check.
i wont post here - ill lean on ARC for a while. i dont want to read the other side - not now.

thanks x