13 years later and haven't forgiven myself

[SilverHairedCat]

How did others mentally recover from their surgical abortion experiences? I'm hugely struggling at the moment, and seeing a counsellor who is asking me to look at how to reconcile myself with what I did, and to forgive myself.

I don't remotely judge others who have made the same decision, and in factual terms I know I did the right thing not to continue with the pregnancy.

Yet here I am 13 years later, no kids, married to a man who is infertile, and I can't get past this feeling of guilt that I blew my one opportunity to carry a child, and experience pregnancy etc. I almost feel like I deserve to be in this position as some sort of penance for past actions.

I know it's ludicrous, but has anyone else been through it? How did you resolve it in the end?

Not quite as long as you but I had a surgical abortion 3 years ago. I was on birth control, we were in no kind of financial position for a baby (I already have a DD from a previous relationship) My partner was absolutely against keeping it. I desperately wanted to. Having been a single parent before, I was terrified of him leaving and having to do it again this time with two.

I did everything I could to change his mind. I bought prenatals, talked to him about how the baby would be starting to grow fingernails, told him how I’d known two people who had had abortions and they were never able to conceive again and how that was a huge fear for me. He wasn’t interested. I ended up going along with it, mostly for the sake of my daughter, and had a surgical termination at 14 weeks. So late because I was trying so hard to change my partner’s mind. I had to be under sedation as I was so upset about doing it. I coped horribly afterwards. I cried every day. I felt horrible, guilty, I felt empty. Physically and emotionally. I thought it was the worst thing I would ever go through and it killed me.

Fast forward to now and I realise that the nightmare was only just starting. Shortly after the termination, about a year or so, we were in a much better financial position, our relationship (that we’d had to fight to rebuild as I hated my partner for making me do what he did) was stronger than ever, things were just better. So we decided to start trying for a baby. It’s been 18 months now and we have been diagnosed with unexplained secondary infertility. Basically, there’s no reason we can’t conceive but for some unknown reason, we’re just not conceiving. My need for another child to complete my family is so strong but now it may never happen. It tears me up inside that that baby could have been my last chance at having another child and I blew it because I didn’t stand up for myself.

It’s a unique position to be in because I feel terrible for complaining about my fertility issues after having had a termination when there are women out there who never even get pregnant and there I was, throwing away a perfectly healthily pregnancy and for what? The sake of another year to make sure we had enough money?

It honestly knocks me sick sometimes and I often find myself thinking about what my baby would have looked like, would it be a boy or girl? What would we have named them. I think about it all the time but Christmas and my due date are extra hard. My younger sister just had a baby that was totally unplanned and her and her partner are in the same financial situation as we were 3 years back. But she stuck it out. I didn’t. It makes me feel like a failure. I failed my baby and I failed myself. I absolutely feel your pain and although I don’t really have any advice on how to get through it. I think that you could go to 100 counsellors but it would never really go away. They might make it easier but I personally think it’s something that will always stay with you. Especially when, like me, your worst fear about the termination came true. I didn’t want to do it partly because I was so scared I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant again and here I am now, going through exactly that.

Sending lots of hugs your way

My god bubblegum, no wonder you're struggling, anyone would be. You're a strong woman, believe me.

I agree, my worst fears have come true as well. Don't dismiss counselling, it is giving me food for thought and I'm trying to work through how to keep living without the gut wrenching sadness.

Thank you. It bugs me when people assume abortion is an “easy way out” because for a lot of people, it’s not at all and it’s something that stays with you forever.

I’m sorry you’ve been through this, it’s not easy. I have never had any luck with counselling but maybe one day, I’ll try it again :)

I had a surgical abortion 9 years ago. It was based on circumstances at the time, as are most. The one thing that has helped me move on, is having children since. This does not help you at all and I really don't mean to be insensitive. I am just being honest. The thing is, if I think about it for a bit too long, I am filled with a deep sense of regret. I feel like I killed my baby. I recall every single second of that day so very clearly. So what you are feeling is so normal but is also compounded by your current circumstances.

Counselling is a really good idea. The thing is that you need to try and remember is that most women who decide on abortion do so because they know it's the right decision at the time. If you had kept your baby, I wonder if you would be with your husband now. Would you have met him? Think about the decisions that made you get the termination in the place. If you'd gone against them how would your life have been? I'm sure you've thought about this already and it's easy for me to say because I don't know what you're going through. I'm sorry that you're so unhappy.