Hi everyone, sorry this is a long one. I'm 30 and no kids (but I like mumsnet
). I found out about 9 weeks ago I was pregnant. It was a big shock to me and my partner and I literally became pregnant at the drop of a hat (makes me feel guilty when I see all the people struggling to get P).
I have autoimmune disease and I don't have a thyroid, I have struggled with my health the past few years (had multiple surgeries) and have been unable to work.
Initially when I found out I was pregnant I was over the moon. I have been envious of all my friends having babies, I love kids and have longed for my own. Despite not working and my health I thought this is a turning point for me and it could be possible I will cope and it can change my life. My partner was thrilled aswell.
I went to the gp got my bloods done and got the phonecall at about 6 weeks to say I was severely hypothyroid and my inflammatory markers were up. I did feel very unwell. I then spoke to my doc and did some research and realised being so hypothyroid in first trimester was dangerous and could cause a lot of problems that couldn't be detected. Such as mental retardation, low iq etc. The nice guidelines even state if hypothyroid postpone conception.
After telling my partner and my family etc about this the thrill of pregnancy had totally changed.
I made the decision I could not continue with the pregnancy as I couldn't bare the thought of something going wrong. I based it on the medical reason solely. I was advised the surgical abortion would be best for me health wise as I have bladder and bowel problems and already had a catheter in place. So I agreed. They couldn't get me in for 3 weeks. :( so I had to wait.
Those 3 weeks were torture for me. Even though I knew I wasn't keeping the baby I was still taking prenatal vitamins and avoiding various things. I felt my personality changed and I became very unmaternal and didn't even want to be near my friends kids or babies. I started to feel like I hated kids and didnt ever want any (I hate admitting that). I started creating weird obstacles in my head that id never thought of before, im normally very positive ...like my parents dont really like my partner, financially it wouldn't be great, I wasn't at target weight yet, I wasn't working, everyone will judge me for being another statistic having a baby on benefits.
Those 3 weeks were very tough and I even saw an obs specialist who said to me I wouldn't tell u to terminate based on your hypothyroidism I'd tell u to get it under control asap.
Anyway, I was determined. I even felt like I disliked the baby 
which makes me feel nuts now. So I went ahead and had the surgery last week, experienced complications afterwards with my heart and infection and ended up in hosp the past week.
Wow now I feel "normal" again and obvs the hormones have gone. I feel absolutely guilty as sin for how I felt during my pregnancy, I felt like I utterly rejected that baby and made excuses to terminate. I got an ultrasound this week and my womb was empty and I was inconsolable for about an hour afterwards. Well it wasn't entirely empty it had a coil in it as I was recommended/forced to have one by the surgeon as obs I've cost the nhs money due to having unprotected sex.
I'm now starting to think it was the hormones that did that to me. I feel so sad and now when I see babies I can't stop crying and feel like I want one and want mine back again. I feel so SO guilty.
I feel quite angry at my parents saying do u really think u want a baby with him? (As that influenced me a lot too).
Ultimately I know it wasn't the right time but now I feel all over the place. My partner has been upset too. I feel like I miss the baby inside me. I have never felt so unstable and trainwrecky.
Is this normal and has anyone else experienced this?
So sorry for the long post.