So torn

[girlinthefield]

Completed unplanned and unexpected BFP last weds on second day of missed period. Don’t know what to do. On paper this should be a no brainer-married, high paid jobs, nice big house, one Dd already aged 3, if I don’t have another baby now I’m approaching my mid thirties so I don’t think I will ever have another if I don’t do it now.

BUT. My marriage is a mess. Has been for a long while, since before DD in truth but we’ve plodded on and managed. We don’t communicate, don’t support one another, I find him inconsiderate and completely unwilling to bend from his thoughts and views and in general it can be a toxic relationship to be in. We do love one another and want to make it work but we just can’t seem to find common ground and get along. I’m worried about adding another child into this situation-DD one is flourishing against the backdrop of our shitty marriage but it’s hard-husband commutes for work and spends 5 mins a day at home whilst everything else in between as far as Dd’s Care is concerned is down to me. I don’t know if I can do that for two. I feel like I am already stretched as thinly as I can be.

This is all so upsetting. This should be a perfect situation but instead it’s an absolute mess. If things were different between husband and I, this wouldn’t even be a conversation thread and it just feels like such a shitty place to be in. If we can’t make things right to continue a pregnancy then what’s the point of being together? Feel like I can’t go through with a pregnancy but equally can’t go through with a termination. Just needed to vent as I can’t confide in anyone. Husband knows and says we’ll be fine whichever way we decide to go. But that’s typical of his lack of ability to look at how little support he offers me practically and emotionally just assuming things will carry on the same...

I’m impressed that you’re thinking about this so carefully.

Marriages can go a bit awry when you have young children, the pressures of life not being as it was and an increase in money pressures makes life harder for everyone.

I wonder if you and your husband would consider marriage counselling? It doesn’t necessarily sound like one person in the marriage is awful, but rather the partnership has gone a bit wrong.

My worry for you is that you will regret not having a second child, and that will further degrade your marriage. It’s possibly easier to rescue a marriage by changing behaviours for the better than it is to remain with a sad resentment.

Thanks Callamia, I’m an over thinker at the best of times!

It is definitely a case of both people in the marriage needing to work through things. Husband thinks I need counselling for a family loss which happened years ago which he thinks blights my life, I have suggested couples counselling and he has refused. He seems to think the problems are all mine to fix. I acknowledge my shortcomings, he doesn’t acknowledge his that’s the difficulty. I think that’s what makes me so concerned about whether we and I could cope with another because it feels clear to me that the situation we are in now won’t change. Maybe we should talk again and I will suggest it again. Thanks for taking the time to reply

I’ve been in a similar situation; ‘on paper’ it was great news, the reality wasn’t so shiny.

I’m sorry your husband is burying his head about this. I think anyone can benefit from counselling - it’s a safe space to think and talk isn’t it? I’d love to have enough money to see someone regularly.

I hope you reach a solution that means you are happiest.