Nearly 4 months since I had an abortion...

[Topaz89]

And it's really taken its toll on me. My head is just fucked. It's just something that I never in a billion years thought I would go through and I still struggle to accept that I have had one. I look back and think what came over me? I wasn't "me" when I did it because the real me would never have done it.
I know FIVE people who are due babies around the same time as my baby would have been due. All I can think of is that I am going to go through life thinking my child would have been their child's age, my child would have been starting school like theirs etc...
At the moment I just see a very bleak future.
It's heartbreaking because this time last year I was a completely different person. I was so happy and I had high hopes for the future. I was excited about many things. Now I just feel a constant emptiness that never goes away no matter what I do.

I don't really know why I'm posting this. Sometimes it's just good to get it all out and talk.

Do you want to talk more about how you are feeling?

It's a very common experience. Some find it upsetting, some empowering, some a neutral experience. There's no time frame to get over it.

Topaz89, do you have kids? Do you want to have kids in the future?
What made you choose termination?
Sorry, you don’t have to answer if it’s uncomfortable for you.

I still feel the same as u Topaz, in fact worse now the due date is getting near, I think not a day I don't cry, you are right, I too felt like a different person, fear is what came over me and talking to the wrong people, how they fed the fears, what can I say, really, nothing, nothing anyone says will change how i feel, so, I guess, we just live, everyday as it comes, I'm sorry. xx your're not a lone, don't feel like your alone, your not. hugs to u. xxxx

Its still really early days. Your hormones will still be settling. You might feel like this for a while, but it will go. Just remember your reasons and be kind to yourself x

It does get a little easier. I can't describe how I was around the termination, but sat on the floor in the car park sobbing and wondered how I was meant to carry on living knowing I had to terminate when I didn't want to (complicated situation)
I don't have any DC, and I feel that was my only chance which makes me sad
However I'm 5 years on and it's a little easier to cope with every day that passes

my daughter would be 27 now. I still feel the same. fuck the BPAS.

Were you offered any counselling OP? It helped me at the time. Mine was nearly 23 years ago though and I still can't bear to think about it.

I would recommend some counselling OP. Try and remember the reasons for doing this and be honest with yourself about that. Be kind to yourself.

((((Hug))))

I’m so sorry you’re still struggling so much.

(I was on some of your earlier threads)

You made the decision for the right reasons. You thought of your three boys & put their needs first. You cannot be angry at yourself for that.

If it were me, I’d try to remember that & try to stop thinking about it as a ‘baby’ and as being like your boys. I don’t want to upset you or anyone else reading the thread, so I won’t be too graphic, but it really was very tiny. You don’t want more children, especially not right now. Sperm accidentally meeting egg isn’t a great reason to put yourself and your children into a very difficult situation. You have a lot on your plate already.

Have you done anything about your DP yet? I think if you focus on sorting that out, you might be able to deal with this better. I think you’re focussing your anger on yourself instead of him because you’re scared of what will happen if you deal with the other issue.

Bottom line is you have to accept that you did what you thought was best at the time and that’s all any of us can do x

How are you doing Topaz89? I just found your posts and everything you have written is exactly how I feel... had a termination 8 months ago and nothing seems to be getting better. I manage to cope but inside I am broken and just don’t see an end to this pain 😔