Abortion - pregnant and finding it hard to work through my thoughts.. help.

[mountaingoat17]

I found out recently that I am 6 weeks pregnant and it definitely wasn’t unplanned (failed birth control). It came as a complete shock to both of us and I’ve been crying pretty uncontrollably for the last few days from shock.

To be honest, I am finding it really difficult to cope with the emotions that I am feeling.. I’m feeling anger, sadness, despair, despondency.. My partner and I have been together for 2.5 years and we’re both 27.

Whilst we have had a lot of ups and down and we live together and have discussed marriage, the last few months of our relationship have been tough and have really put us at breaking point. I do love him greatly and there is a lot of love there but our communication needs quite a lot of work and there are still things that we find it difficult to agree on.

We’ve discussed the idea of aborting and my partner is adamant that he isn’t ready and does not want a baby although he does say he will support me no matter what. I feel as though he won’t budge on this. He’s in the process of changing careers to a lesser paying job and he has quite a lot of holidays booked so I feel guilty for changing this trajectory. And I also don’t know if our relationship could withstand the challenges of raising a child together.

I’ve spoken to my mum and she says that abortion is probably right although she isn’t pushing me either way. And in some ways, she’s partly right. It would set me back on my career (want to start a new business) and be difficult for the first few years. I also don’t want to raise my kid in the city (my partner works in the city). Practicalities are another thing. Part of me says keep it and the other part of me says abort it. But I’m fearful about a lot of things. I feel guilty for ending a life. I feel guilty for being in this situation in the first place and not being careful enough . I am scared about the medical procedures - will there be complications... how will I feel psychologically . I feel fearful that I won’t be able to get preg again. What if it’s punishment? (I’m a bit superstitious like that). And I feel anger at my partner and at myself - he might not be ready now but will he ever be ready? He keeps telling me we can’t agree on things and we aren’t a team. I feel so unsure. Part of me thinks it would be the most amazing gift and it is! But then another part of me thinks how am I going to cope? Do I want to be a single parent? I’ve never experienced that before. How do I overcome this guilt/ fear of the abortion? But I also think if I abort I won’t be able to have a normal relationship with my partner again. I’m really confused as to what to do. Any tips on how you coped would be so helpful. Thank you.

I’m sorry you’ve found yourself in this situation. This was me 3 years ago. Pregnant after one missed pill. I wanted to keep it. BF didn’t. First thing he said when I showed him the positive tests was “well what are you going to do about it?” He would not budge on his position of us not being ready. I already have a daughter from a previous relationship and I was worried about being a single parent again. I tried everything to change my partner’s mind. I even turned down a 2 week holiday as I would have been quite heavily pregnant by that time. However, my BF won and I felt no other choice but to abort. I had a surgical one. It was no big deal, easy and the clinic was nice as were the drs. I did have a very nasty infection afterwards and ended up in a&e in agony which you don’t really think about when you think of abortions but there can be side effects of both medical and surgical abortions.

Three years on, it haunts me every day. I regretted it immediately and cried every day for months and month. We have been trying for a baby for 16 months as we are in much better circumstances now, but we are having no luck. Obviously it’s devastating knowing I may never get the chance to have another baby and I threw away the one chance I did have. It was my biggest fear when deciding to terminate. Me and my BF are very much in love and are best friends but I have never and will never forgive him for what he made me do. He too feels very guilty. He knows that I never would have terminated had he not been so adamant it was what was the right thing to do. And as much as I love him, there’s always a weird air about our relationship now.

All I would say is, based on experience, do what YOU want. Don’t do what your partner or your mum wants. This is your baby and your body. Being a single parent isn’t as bad as it seems. Of course, plenty of women have terminations and have no issue conceiving again or they have no regrets about what they’ve done. But it is something you really need to think about. If you know deep down you could never forgive yourself then don’t do it. As someone who knew they would regret it but still stupidly let someone else tell me what to do anyway, it’s just not worth it. It’s chaned my life both emotionally and now physically (we think the reason for my infertility now is due to the surgery I had during my termination or the infection I got afterwards) I may never get pregnant again. It’s heartbreaking to think about what I gave away when it was something I absolutely wanted. No amount of holidays and weekends away can ever make up for that.

Good luck with whatever you decide. It’s not easy but the biggest piece of advice I can give is, forget everyone else and do what you feel is the right thing.

Do what's best for you and only you, this is your choice not his. I had an abortion as my DP wasn't ready for us to make that step also I was still in uni and he was working his way up in his career it just wasn't the 'right' time for a baby for either of us unfortunately. I had a medical abortion, it was pretty painless and a lot easier than I would have initially thought, I am lucky as I don't have any regrets about that decision and 5 years later we had our little boy as now we're in a much better position to provide. I wouldn't have gone through with the termination if I wasn't confident with my decision though.