Made up my mind

[LostInSpaceAndTime]

I found out I was pregnant 4 weeks ago.

It rocked my whole world. I thought initially it would be okay, I could do it - but as time has gone by I've realised I can't.

There's many reasons why. My mental health hasn't been the best this year. I was made redundant in April and attempted suicide in June.

I've started to get back on track. A new job, feeling like I have a bit more self worth. I'm due to get married in October. The dress is already bought and I needed to slim down a bit after gaining some weight.

Like I said, I thought it would be okay. But these 4 weeks, I've felt so disconnected from being pregnant. When I found out I was expecting DD I was so pleased. I immediately quit smoking, cut out caffeine, looked after myself. I felt so dedicated to her.

With this, I feel like my body has been hijacked. I'm dreading the thought of gaining weight, I loathe the morning sickness (I know no one enjoys it but it's just a reminder for me), I hate the thought of having to buy a different wedding dress and breastfeeding at my wedding. Not having a honeymoon. Any beyond that, being out of work again, the instability of being a new mum. I'm terrified of getting PND again but more severe. Terrified it might cause me to try and commit suicide again.

All of the above sounds terribly selfish. But I know I'm not ready for this again, not yet. And it's not really about the wedding but I feel that the stress and worry about that will contribute to a deterioration in my mental health.

I know I don't need to go into why. I know it's my choice. I feel so very awful and I know it will break me for a while having an abortion. But I can't put my family through me falling apart again.

I'm 8 weeks. Making the call to get an appointment on Monday. I'm terrified of having an abortion over 10 weeks, it sounds horrific.

I really need a bit of a handhold and to hear that I'm not an awful person, although many will think that I am. Either for making this decision or for leaving it 4 weeks before I did.

Hey!
You really are not an awful person and I too am I in the same shoes as you perhaps not for the same reasons but I am having a surgical abortion booked in on the 17th! I was the same as you, when I found out with my other children, not once did complete panic and devastation come over me like it has this time! 😩
Basically, only you know what’s best for you and what’s best for your family! And by doing what’s best you’re being responsible. In order to look after your family especially your DD you have to be well yourself and if another pregnancy set you back mentally & physically then now isn’t the right time xx you’re not awful this isn’t a decision to make lightly you’ve done the decent thing and had a good think about it xx

Thanks, Star.

I called BUPAS last night and I'm waiting for a call back from them today.

I'm praying I can get an appointment sooner rather than later. Having read up on everything I'm thinking it'll be quicker to opt for a medical rather than surgical. I don't think I can wait weeks for a surgical appointment. Then again, I have no idea what the wait might be like on either. I just want it over with.

I agree, the wait is extremely hard and I do think you’ll be seen quicker with a medical. I’m opting for surgical as I have 3 smaller children and Don’t think I’m going to be able to cope with the bleeding whilst looking after that as my DH can only get a day off work and the apts for medicals are usually over 1-3 days. Also I’ve decided whilst I’m under I’ll have the coil put in so I’m not in this situation again 🤞🏻I hope that you get an apt ASAP hun xxx

I hope all goes well for you, Star.

I've done tonnes of reading and it seems like a surgical is a good choice. I'm so prepared for a medical termination to be quite difficult and harrowing. I had miscarriages previously before DD and I'd imagine it's similar to that.

DP is off work from Wednesday for a week so I'm hoping I can get it sometime around then, but I've no idea what to expect in terms of the wait.

Like you, I'm going to sort out some form of contraception when it's all done with.

I thought that the wait will make me change my mind but in reality I still wake up feeling the same way! It just freaks me out thinking it’s growing etc which sounds stupid but makes me feel guilty 😩 I know that this is the best thing to do and in a couple of weeks time it will be over for the pair of us! Xx

Good luck ladies. I found out I was pregnant a couple of weeks ago despite using contraception and have my termination booked for this Wednesday. The wait has been horrible. Like you @LostInSpaceAndTime, I suffer from PND and have only just started to enjoy my DD and feel better about myself. I'm also in my final year of uni with a place to start teacher training in September and a wedding booked around the time of my due date. The timing couldn't be any worse so I know I'm making the right decision. I wish you well x

Hi InAPickle, I wish you all the best and good luck.

I have called up for an appointment today and I am going for my scan and consultation on Friday.

In my area, they only offer surgical under GA after 9+6, I'm nine weeks on Friday...

I'm not sure they even give the medical option after 9 weeks, so it's surgical under local or GA depending on where they date the pregnancy.

The thought of it makes me feel physically sick

Oh really? I'm sorry to hear that. I'll be about 8 weeks Wednesday and having a medical termination. Taking both tablets in the same day.

I feel sick also. This is something I'd never thought I'd have to do. The guilt is overwhelming despite me knowing it's for the best.

Feel truly awful today.

I'm finding this so hard on my body. The sickness, constant nausea, tiredness. I sound like a right wuss but I just wanna cry and sleep.

DP isn't coming to my appointment on Friday. I'm kind of sad about it but I think it's the right thing. It will help me stay detached if I'm on my own.

I've been wondering about the scan, and if I should look. Part of me thinks no, I shouldn't, the other part of me wants to. I really don't know what to do for the best. I don't think seeing the scan would weaken my resolve or change my decision. But it will probably make me feel more guilty. I don't know if I'll regret not seeing the scan though.

I don't know. All over the place tonight and too much time to think

Personally, if you’ve made your mind up then there is no point traumatising yourself. I am dreading the scan but I won’t be looking and I’ll ask them to keep the scan copies hidden. I am exactly the same in terms of the nausea but the tiredness is getting me I’m struggling to get up and out the door for the school run and when they’re there I’m coming back and sleeping instead of doing my usual chores etc.. I know I am being sensible and realistic though I just couldn’t cope with another child and this is all making me realise it. I’ve got another week to wait which is an dredding because my stomach feels like it’s already doubled in size and this constant bloating is driving me insane. Stay strong xxx

How is everything now @LostInSpaceAndTime ? Just read this post and I'm in exactly the same position as you were. Struggling to get my head straight enough to make a decision. And the tiredness is unbearable. Really hope you're feeling better now x

Hi Koochy,

I'm booked in for Tuesday. Surgical under GA. Dreading it but looking forward to it at the same time. I know the relief I'll feel will be immense but I'm terrified of the GA!

17 years ago I felt exactly the same as you. I didn't want to be pregnant. Mine was my very first pregnancy and an accident, but I've never regretted terminating. Indeed the relief was one I've never felt since. I was 6-ish weeks and had a surgical termination under local.

I do regret not taking the printout of my scan though.

For what it's worth we stayed together and now have a 5-month-old DD and hopefully a sibling for her soon. Have you talked it through with your DP? Because fathers of terminated babies also go through a mourning process.

We have talked, yeah.

I think it's been difficult for him because I did a bit of a u turn. I didn't immediately make the decision to terminate but as time has gone on I feel so resentful and unprepared.

He is overall quite supportive but I know he would have been happy to go on with the pregnancy too.

I felt I made the right decision looking at the scan photo. I expected to fall apart but it actually cemented my decision, I think.

Should have been in today for procedure.

Spent 3 hrs in the waiting room to be told they couldn't do it due to emergencies.

I'm devastated. Have to go back on Thursday.

The same happened to me last Wednesday but they did offer me the medical instead of the surgical! How annoying I hope Thursday comes round quick for you xxx

Me too, Star.

It's more upsetting that the clinic is a bit of a way away so has felt like more of an 'event' and now it's dragging out.

It feels like a never ending nightmare.

I promise you you’ll feel a lot better when the all over! I feel like a huge weight has been lifted and now all the tiredness and sickness has lifted life feels good!
Take care of yourself hun Thursday will be here before you know it. I can remember when I booked mine and it was 2 weeks away but now I’m one week post xxx

@LostInSpaceAndTime how are you doing? Did you have your appointment? Hope you're feeling better x

@koochykoo86

Hi, yes i had the procedure on Thursday. All went well and had the Mirena coil in as well.

The relief is overwhelming and I don't regret a thing. The people at the clinic were so lovely and I was really well looked after from start to finish.