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Pregnancy choices

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He says he'll cut me out unless I abort baby as he's not ready

7 replies

Nickyb7 · 21/09/2017 18:31

I found out I was pregnant a few weeks ago after pill failure. I've been in a relationship with the father for over a year and a half but he had recently moved away - we were still in touch and planning to see each other and he said he loved and missed me. There's a lot of love on both sides but he has problems with closeness and isn't ready for a serious relationship as his life is in flux. That said, we've always got together after break-ups. He's acted like he doesn't want to lose me. He says he loves me a lot. When I told him I was pregnant he was initially really loving and supportive albeit we acknowledged that we wouldn't be escalating our relationship just because of a baby and I'd be responsible for raising it on my own - I thought he'd carry on loving and being there for me no matter what I decided though. He's now he's saying he wants nothing to do with me at all unless I abort - he won't even want to know when it's born or if I'm ok and doesn't want anything to do with the baby. I can support myself financially as I have substantial savings and I told him I wouldn't ask for money so it's not that. I think he's the most decent man I've ever met but this took me off guard. He really took this view after taking to his close female friend. Before he had been understanding albeit shocked and scared which is natural and he was helping me through though I know he's not ready for this and neither am I. He kept going from showing me tenderness, love and understanding to not wanting to even look at me like I'd done something awful to him. I understand it's tough on the dad that they don't have the ultimate say in whether to have an unplanned baby. His life is pretty tough right now too. I don't want to make things worse for him. I love him. But I don't know if I can live with killing this child. I feel love for it too. A lot. He says it's just a bunch of cells and this should be an easy decision but it doesn't feel that way and I've been reading about the risks of abortion... I just don't know if I can do it. I feel so sick and alone. I really love the dad and I don't want to lose his support in my life. I don't know if I could cope with raising a child alone emotionally even though I have the money and it might block me from ever having the planned family I always wanted and living the life I want but all that sounds selfish and I love this baby too and could give me and it a good life. I feel more scared than I ever have. The thought of an abortion just fills me with dread. He's breaking my heart. I need him here because I can't tell anyone else and I feel close to breaking down but he says he doesn't know when he can come. He's telling me to be an adult and make the right choice. But it doesn't seem like there is one. What should I do? Please help.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 21/09/2017 18:33

The right choice is the one that you want, not what he wants, not what is easiest or hard but what you want

Bekabeech · 21/09/2017 18:39

Go and talk to someone.
It is your decision because you are the person who is going to have to live with the decision.
He can just disappear. But you will have to live with either the guilt of an abortion if you don't think that is right for you, or a baby.
Forget about him, to be honest he is really gone from your life I expect, and was really before you got pregnant.

But go and get proper counselling. Do not be bullied by anyone into making a decision.

Anecdoche · 21/09/2017 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus · 21/09/2017 19:49

This sounds like this is all about him, and it isn't, this is your choice which it sounds like you had made before he started bullying you.

CamperVamp · 21/09/2017 20:15

Unfortunately he has blown his 'decent person ' cover in his ultimatum to you. Even if you decide, independently and just for you, to have a termination , you would always know that when the chips were down he had threatened to abandon all responsibility for a child that was biologically his,

If you have a termination which is even at least partly based on his feelings, or because his abandonment would leave you as a single parent, would your relationship actually survive? Would you feel resentment towards him? Feel that you had sacrificed your feelings to his?

I think that in your mind you need to try and put him out of the picture, and decide whether or not you would like to continue this pregnancy. Or not. Imagine your life in a year's time, with and without a baby. Ask yourself how you would feel if you miscarriec: distressed or relieved.

Stop discussing this with Mr Flaky, get some counselling (maybe Marie Stopes?) and make the right decision for YOU.

Jake77 · 21/09/2017 20:38

I was in his shoes with the mother of my kid. I told her I'd stand by her no matter what she chose. I don't know how any guy could do different. I wanted her to have an abortion as I was worrying about supporting a child but its her decision and my baby too. I now have a 3m.o. and I wouldn't change anything. Give him time to do the right thing. But do what's best for you as you can't count on it. Can you raise this baby on your own? See a counsellor. Good luck.

Butterymuffin · 21/09/2017 20:42

Relationships where the woman terminates a pregnancy at the behest of the father don't tend to survive anyway. There's too much ill feeling. So discount him now: it's not going to work out. Just focus on whether you, and only you, want a baby or not. It's still OK to terminate if that's genuinely your choice. But don't do it because of anything he says.

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