Am I being unfair??

[user1498556293]

So in may of this year I suffered a miscarriage. I wasn't very far along but I was devastated. I have 2 children already and was so happy to be having my 3rd.

My sister had an abortion last year. I knew about t be she didn't know that I knew.

According to her, this was her second termination. The first one she had was when she was very young. However we don't know if this is true. She is now 26.

When she was younger, she used to constantly make things up. I won't specify but it got to the point where social services got involved as she accused me and my mum and dad for physically hurting her. Obviously not true, nothing came of it and she had counselling.

So we have no idea whether this first abortion ever took place or not. She maintains it did.

Fast forward to now. I'm doing ok after my miscarriage. Recently got married.

My sister got extremely drunk at our wedding and could be heard outside screaming 'I've killed my babies'

She also did this on my hen do. Everyone was crowding round her.

So now our whole family/friends know about it all.

This is the part I'm struggling with. My mum has told me I need to be more sympathetic towards her and I can't. Not after I've just lost my baby.

I'm quite hurt at the fact that when I had my miscarriage, my family didn't say much. They were upset for me but it was like 'get over it, you weren't very far along' sort of thing.

Bearing in mind one of my best friends lost her baby the month before I miscarried at 14 weeks. I was there for her through it all.

The month after me, my actual best friend gave birth the her son at 23 weeks, he died. We have all become very close since this and I feel pretty traumatic by the whole thing.

My wedding has helped us all get through it to be honest.

I've had a good chat with my mum who says I need to 'think about what she must be going through'

I just don't have any sympathy for her. Am I wrong?

Just to point out, I haven't spoken to my sister about this and I'm not going to.

I haven't told her how I feel, I don't want to upset her even more.

But I'm also not going to give her a 'here if you need a chat' sort of text either.

I'm just going to go on as normal around her

What you've gone through is hard I completely understand that your sister deciding to end her pregnancies whilst you've had a terrible time can make you less sympathetic.

BUT

Terminating a pregnancy isn't easy and it can play on your mind and make you feel guilty, everyone is different with how the feel after an abortion but believe me it can be so mentally challenging. She must be feeling some form of guilty about what she's done and maybe the fact you've been through so much has made her feel even worse.

You are wrong, but understandably so.

The thing is, she doesn't know about me. I wasn't allowed to tell her I was pregnant incase of upsetting her. So I've had to keep my heart ache a secret from her.

I hate to say it but it's more a case if she can't cope with me being happy and she never has been able too.

I've always struggled with my relationship with her since the social services thing. The stuff she accused me of - I won't say - but it's pretty unbelievable.

I've always tried to be there for her though. Always. But on 2 nights that were incredibly special to me (my hen night and wedding night) she had to try take it away from me still.

Maybe I'm wrong about this but it's just how I feel. Ill try harder but I just don't feel I can talk to her about it

The thing is, she doesn't know about me. I wasn't allowed to tell her I was pregnant incase of upsetting her. So I've had to keep my heart ache a secret from her

Nobody can force you not to share something when you're an adult. Who asked you not to tell her you were pregnant?

So sorry for your loss. . Your sister clearly hasn't coped with her terminations and it sounds like might have some long term issues. She made the choice to have the terminations, yes, but couldn't you try and be sympathetic for the pain she's in now? It doesn't sound Ike you're the right person to support her, just try and be kind when you see her.

Your family's response to your miscarriage sounds rubbish but it doesn't really have anything to do with your sister since she didn't even know.

My mum told me I not to tell her about my pregnancy. This is how I found out about her abortion. So I didn't and as far as I'm aware, she doesn't know. If she does, it hasn't come from me.

I'm not being horrible about my mum cos she's great and she does have a lot to put up with as far as my sister goes. No one has ever known how to deal with her and she most definitely does have some long term issues. However, she doesn't help herself.

It's just the night after my wedding, my mum tried to talk to me basically to explain my sisters outbursts. I replied 'I hope she feels better soon but I can't talk about this. I wanted my baby and I lost it so I'm not the right person to give her sympathy' and left it at that.

It's been on my mind for the last few days so I thought I'd come on here, say it like it is and her some opinions.

Thank you to everyone for posting x

Purpledaisies -absolutely. I always am nice and kind to her. I would never not be under any circumstances. I just feel me actually talking to her about it is too much for me right now and to be honest I might get angry which I don't want to do. Not because of her termination, just because of all the cr*p she has put me through in the past x

It sounds like you're doing exactly the right thing then. Your mum is expecting too much from you. It sounds like your sister needs a trained counsellor anyway.