Broody after termination

[Lolalovespugs]

I had a termination 5 weeks ago. From the moment I got the positive I went into panic mode, booked the termination apt straight away etc. As it turned out I was so early at my first appointment that I had to wait another week. During this time the thought of progressing with my pregnancy made me feel ill, I wanted it over. I swallowed the medical abortion pills with no regret.

Step forward 4 weeks.., I feel like I was insane! Gripped by madness. Why wouldn't I have had a 3rd - there's no real reason not to have had! Crying over the decision I made. The latest is thinking to deliberately getting pregnant again.

I can't understand how I 100% made a decision that a 3rd at my age wasn't right, based on what felt like the right decision could be so deeply regretted now.

I almost feel that I had some kind of pregnancy anxiety/depression that blinkered me so badly. Has anyone else been in the same position? Now that the hormones have gone I fail to see what the big deal was?

I can't offer any personal experience but I have heard of this before and it was down to pregnancy related anxiety and depression. Perhaps see your gp in case you are suffering from depreasion? Sorry i can't be of more help..

Sorry you're feeling regretful and confused OP
I would just advise not making any rash decisions at all, what if you decided to get pregnant again and then thought "how could I have been 100% sure about getting pregnant and now regret it again".
Take some time to really process what's gone on and put your thoughts in order for a while. If you go a few months with the same mindset then it's probably more likely to be what you want, but wait for that moment ♥

Thank you. I feel now like I always did before, that a 3rd would be a welcome surprise. When it actually happened I spiralled and failed to see any positives.

When bpas scanned me they did say that for my dates it was an empty sac which would have miscarried naturally which makes me feel that maybe I knew it wasn't viable so protection instincts! But on the other hand now the hormones have cleared I can't understand why I was so adamant to terminate - I feel like I was taken over! And now I want it back - I would be 10 weeks. It's definitely a weird hormonal one which is why I was interested to see if anyone was in the same boat.

Name changed as this is such a personal topic.
I had a similar experience as you 10 years ago. Until I had the abortion (at 8 weeks) all I wanted was to get it over and done with. Was convinced I wouldn't be able to go through with the pregnancy, raise a child etc. Afterwards, all I felt was intense regret, and grief for what I'd lost / thrown away. For months, I couldn't bear to even look at a baby. If I passed one on the street I would be overwhelmed by feelings of guilt and sorrow. Sometimes I'd find myself crying for no reason. It got to the point where I was suicidal - I thought if I couldn't be with my child here on the earth I would go be with her in the afterlife (always thought of her as a girl, though of course it was too early to now). I also found that I was constantly on edge, I think because of the guilt, I felt like I had to be perfect in every other area of my life. If I "failed" even at something as trivial as burning the dinner I'd have a meltdown. It was really difficult to function.
Over the years I tried counselling, self-help books, drowning my sorrows... but the only thing that helped me come to terms with it was going on a sort of therapy weekend away for post-abortive women (and men). I won't put the name here as I don't know what the rules are on advertising, but if you google "weekend away for post-abortive women" it's the first result. I think it was run by Benedictine (?) monks and nuns but it wasn't really religious, and they didn't try and push it down your throat.
I think it's more common than the medical profession wants to admit. There are so many books, therapies etc for women who feel that way that it must be a genuine issue. But they don't tell you beforehand that you might be left feeling like that.
I still think of the baby, especially around the month that I went for the termination and around the date that she would have been born, or sometimes when I see other girls the age that she would be. But over the years the intensity of the grief and regret has abated. I don't feel overwhelmed like I used to, when I think of her and of what I did.
I'm sorry for your loss.

That's really sad, but hopefully offers soke relief that the pregnancy likely wouldn't have been viable anyway? Sometimes it takes something like this to let us see what we really want/need and hopefully that will mean if or when you do take the chance and get pregnant again, you'll be all the more certain it's the right decision for you! X ♥ I know it's cheesy but I do believe everything happens for a reason

Thank you! I also believe everything happens for a reason but I can't reconcile my feelings when I was pregnant to those I feel now(that the hormones have gone).

Looking back over those couple of weeks I feel like I was driven by a need to get it out of me which doesn't reconcile with my usual attitude that a 3rd would just be a nice surprise. I was livid! My 2 DD's were planned etc but there was no real reason why this one wouldn't have been welcome.

I honestly feel like I was mad those few weeks - will look into pregnancy anxiety x

Thank you name change, for me I feel like I get over it or get pregnant again to appease the one I "lost"

Hubby is happy to go along with whatever makes me happy.

Lola, I'm so sorry to hear you feel this way. It sounds to me that you're suffering from PASS. I had my termination in April last year and I'm still wracked with guilt, grief and sadness.
Like you, when I found out that I was pregnant aged 42, I panicked. I didn't want any more children, I felt like my life was just getting back to some sort of even balance.
Never did I realise after going through with the termination, how I'd feel 15 months on.
I'm now on antidepressants, I've had counselling and CBT and I can not let it go, even now I'm punishing myself for what I did.
What you're feeling is normal, it's grief. Feel it and hopefully you can make sense of what's happened and why you made that choice.
My heart goes out to you, you're not alone with this. Life throws us these hurdles, give yourself time to grieve and be kind to yourself. Xx

Yes this is the little talked about aftermath of abortion for some women (I know not everyone). I had one as a teen and 14 years on I still feel regret and sadness and think of what could have been if I'd taken the other path. It is grief, but it is not socially acceptable as it was a 'choice' however tenuously made and under extreme pressure of time to decide, with lifelong consequences.

I did believe for years that having a child would be the answer, and I too desperately wanted to be pregnant straight afterwards - very common apparently and known as the 'atonement baby'. I will say that being pregnant again did help, but once my children were born the feelings returned, as I knew I could never replace that child.

Anyway I wish you well op and I hope you manage to find peace.

I'm sorry Lola. I had read your posts on other threads and they had given me hope with how straight forward your procedure had been as I have an appointment tomorrow.

My worry is that I will feel like you are now feeling but my dh is against keeping it and I just have to think what is right for my family and myself.

I wish I could say something to help you but am just going to send you a and hope that you can find some peace.

Oh love I know exactly how you feel. I found out I was pregnant in February and was in total shock. Aged 47, on contraception and with two older dc's and a partner I don't live with I was devastated. My pregnancy symptoms were extreme (felt fine with both my dc) and I resented my baby and being pregnant. My partner didnt want our child but said he'd support me whatever decision I made. I decided to have an abortion and was shocked to find I was 13 weeks but went ahead with it and felt relieved when it was over. Since then I've felt so angry and upset with myself. I focused on all the negatives and never once thought of the positives. I'd be 34 weeks now and feel like I've been punched in the stomach with grief when I see a newborn. I feel that I should have protected my baby and I feel I let my children down by aborting their sibling. I feel so sad that with my dc's I'd been so happy on getting that positive pregnant test but this time I felt so unhappy. My poor baby deserved better. If I could turn back the clock I would 😢 Sorry I have no advice but am sending you hugs xxx

Been there, Lola. I know exactly what you mean in terms of feeling like you were mad for those few weeks. I was exactly the same. Shock pregnancy, but we'd always been of the 'if it happens it wouldn't be the end of the world' mentality. When it did happen i wasn't prepared for the way I'd feel. I was devastated, scared, anxious,, angry. I just wanted it to be over but at the same time i didn't want an abortion. Husband didn't want it but said he'd go along with whatever i wanted. We had a lot of arguments. In the end i just went along with it so that it would all be over. I regretted it immediately.

I got pregnant again very soon afterwards so i have an 'atonement baby'. It doesn't take away the sadness of the abortion because that baby will never be with me, but i do, of course, love our son beyond measure. It hasn't been easy and a lot of the practical difficulties that i was worried about with the previous pregnancy have been realised. Life is harder than it was and i think, had i gone on to have a baby that wasn't planned or wanted, I may have regretted it. I can't be sure.

It's really tough, but there are so many women who know exactly what you're going through. It's like a really shit club

Sorry you're feeling this way. I wonder if deep down you/your body knew that something wasn't right and the hormones took over and made you feel you needed to terminate? I didn't have the same experience exactly but I do remember feeling very panicky about how ill I felt, and wanting rid of the pregnancy, and an immediate relief once the nausea went away. I was also told it probably wouldn't have survived (although suspect they were trying to make me feel better as it wasn't an empty sac at my scan). I've lived with what-ifs and guilt ever since, but still feel deep down that it was the right decision and am happy now that we waited to have our DS. I hope that whatever you decide next for you and your family, you gradually come round to feeling happy with it. It does sound like you need to take some time to process everything.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences.

I wish I had known that I would feel like this, I would have been devastated had it not worked out but I wouldn't have had the guilt, I just so desperately wanted it all to go away and I was 110% resolutely sure that it was the right decision.

It's a good point about maybe my body knew the baby wasn't viable, I didn't feel right from the off, not like my other 2 pregnancies. It's a comforting thought, that likely there would have been no baby anyway.

I feel fine but it just seems to have dredged up this broodiness that I thought I had got past years ago. DH is happy to have a third but I'm terrified of those same feelings coming back and the practicalities of having a third haven't gone away.

Sometimes practicalities can be overcome but I think it's important to understand how much you're feeling is hormonal and how much genuinely stems from the feeling that you'd like another and are willing to do whatever that could entail. Could you have a good long conversation with your DH about it? It could be that you have an underlying fear that a third would be a bad decision - or this could have been a completely one-off feeling led by hormones. I think if you truly want another, and decide that's what you want to do, you'll accept that there may be some crazy feelings throughout the pregnancy. Perhaps because it was unexpected you went into panic mode? As much as I'd like another, I think I would feel similarly, as I'd be worried for so many reasons about having an unplanned baby after our first was so meticulously planned (and very much wanted for such a long time).

I've been dwelling a lot on my termination (7 years ago) after a contraception failure a couple of weeks ago, and am now feeling obsessively broody - which I think is probably mostly down to me having messed up my pill cycle. So on a practical level I realise I need to give myself some time to get back to 'normal' and assess my feelings a bit more objectively. But it's not always easy to do that.

Most importantly, be kind to yourself - you've been through a shock and not the most pleasant experience, and it's understandable that you'll be feeling many different things. Give yourself time to come to terms with it, and be confident that you made the best decision at the time.

Lola, I was in the same boat as you were, un expected 3rd, went into total panic and had a termination, which I now regret, I wished I had carmed down, it felt like my whole life was whizzing out of control, now like you I fail to see why I freaked out so much and now I just want to be pregnant again, but of course I wish I still was.....im trying to give myself time to heal, noone tella u really how emotionally hard this all is...how are you getting on with everything now?

Hi there sorry to drag up an old thread but I'm really in need of some support as I found this thread on google search and registered. I had a termination last week and I too feel the same as u , it was a much wanted and planned pregnancy but I got too poorly over Christmas and ended up in hospital on New Year's Day due to dehydration, I have 2 daughters already and my youngest being 17 months , I physically could not look after them and I didn't even think about my descison I just wanted to feel human again as I was really ill! It's only been a week and I feel so depressed I'm having servere panic attacks and haven't yet been in work, I just feel so sad that no matter what descison I made I was in a no win situation, I now have to force myself to be normal around the kids I've got but I'm breaking inside, please can you tell me does it get easier and what did u decide yourself as I too feel really broody as I said before it was very much planned and I'm devastated I felt I had no choice as to termination. :( thanks hope everyone else is doing well as can be.

I sent you a PM. X