I cannot make a decision and it is killing me...

[WTFShouldIDo]

Hi, I have name changed for this as I have a sneaking suspicion that people in RL might know my username and I don't want this getting out.

I found out on Tuesday that I am pregnant again due to a massive BC failure and I have NO IDEA what to do.

This would be DC3 for us - DC1 is 8 with ADHD which we struggle with hugely as a family. DC2 is 6 and a bit highly strung! DH is as confused as me which does not help at all because we just seem to go around in circles. Neither of us thought we would ever consider a termination but the reasons against having a baby stack up so highly against the reasons for having it.

We have an appointment at BPAS on Monday 31st (when I would be just over 6 weeks) and then are due to go on holiday on the 4th for our anniversary. I have no idea if we would still be able to go if we went through with the abortion.

I have no idea if I can go through with it. But I have no idea if I can have a baby either. I don't know if we can afford it. I don't know if it would send DC1 off the rails. I don't know if the strain would end my (already fairly strained) marriage. I don't know if I want another when we are just starting to be able to do the things we all love as a family. I don't know if I could cope.

Pregnancy hormones just mean that I cry all the time and my mind is changing on an almost minute to minute cycle.

Please can someone help me make the decision? Or advise how you made the decision one way or another?

Anyone? Please?!

Oh you poor love

If your marriage is already strained then take it through to the worst case scenario & think about how it would work if you were on your own as a single parent with all 3, would it work & how would it work.

There is no right or wrong answer sweetheart, you just do what you think is best with the facts you have at the time, you can't do any more than that.

xxx

If I were you, I'd terminate. It seems like the potential impact on your marriage and your children might be too much. I'm sure it's much easier for me to say than for you to do though. Do you actually want this baby? Or is it just the thought of abortion you can't reconcile with?

I wouldn't terminate, this child as someone said could break you apart or bring you closer together. You never know. Take care

What does your dh think? I've got two dc with asd and ADHD and if it were me I'd be tempted to terminate because like you my marriage is strained because of all the stress.

You need to sit down and talk to your husband be honest.

Good luck 🍫

Here's a ridiculous suggestion but let's try it. Toss a coin. I do it when I'm stuck not because I go with what it tells me but because sometimes my heart goes "damn!" When it lands on choice a and so I know my heart wants choice b.

Love this is never going to be an easy decision. I disagree with the PP - I've never known a baby bring a strained relationship closer. One child on its own is exhausting. Would you ever have considered a 3rd? How did you feel about abortion before hand? Do you have a best friend you could talk to?

Maybe write out a list of the pros and cons of continuing v termination? And try weighting them? You don't have to follow what this suggests of course but it may help the decision making process. Personally I would be swayed by the potential negative impact on existing children and marriage, but the important thing here is that you are happy with the decision. Give yourself time to think/discuss/consider and maybe give some attention to worst case scenario of each option. You sound very sensible from your post. Talking to BPAS counsellor may also help.

Thanks all for your replies! DH and I have talked so much that we are now at the point where we are too exhausted to even think about it anymore!

We had a massive chat about a 3rd last year and decided we just didn't think it was a good idea. And now I just can't think of a good reason to keep it. I never, ever thought that I would even consider a termination (but have always been absolutely pro choice) and part of me thinks that is my only hesitation.

But then I have a little thought about breastfeeding, or walking with a pushchair - all rose tinted glasses, and get all teary about it!

I wish this situation had never, ever come about.

To add, think about whether you could cope with an abortion. If you did have one, would you develop mental health issues? You sound very unsure so please don't rush into anything.

Advice I have no idea about whether I would or not! But equally I have no idea whether I would develop any with another baby adding to my already stressed home life!

It's all just such a fucking mess.

Oh op good luck I really hope you guys pull through this. Sorry you're in this tough position

I really feel for you having such a tough decision to make.
I had a 3rd and have a tricky eldest with several issues, ADHD being one of them.
Mostly I'm very glad I had a third despite my marriage breaking up when she was 1. I think that would have happened anyway and she is a delight. It was perhaps different for me as I had always wanted number 3 and would feel very sad if I heard friends were pregnant again etc. I think you need to go with your gut feeling and not worry too much about practicalities. Finances can be stretched in many cases and children are fine with hand me downs. Job wise you may feel you want to progress your career or need the money or both and that's fine and it's
an understandable reason to not have another one if that's what you want to do.
My son loves his sister and another child has taken the pressure off him and his sibling a bit as we had a perfect peter/ horrid Henry scenario going on a bit before she arrived. He has also had many opportunities to show his gentle kind side that has earned him lots of praise and he has enjoyed being the big brother for the most part.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Thank you all so much for your replies.

I'm sure that DC1 would love a little brother or sister. In fact, he has told me so lots. But he wants a computer more apparently so although I think it might bring out the best in him, I'm becoming more and more convinced that it will bring out the worst in me. DC2 would really struggle as well I think.

I have told some family of my dilemma tonight, I thought my sister would be a bit judgy about it but she was an absolute sweetheart and has even offered to come with me if I need her too. My family supporting me has almost helped make my mind up a bit more. I am about 98% sure now that a termination is what we have to do. Whether that will change again tomorrow morning is anyone's guess!

I'm really glad you've told someone else. Very best wishes to you

If it helps, I had to chose whether to keep a baby that I knew would have destroyed my marriage (ex husband now anyway) or have a termination. I chose the termination and the procedure was surprisingly easy. Yes I felt a bit weepy for a few days after but I put that down to hormones.
I was only about 6 or 7 weeks pregnant, to be absolutely honest, I felt relieved once the 'problem' was behind me.

Please don't judge me, but I never regretted it and it was at all traumatic.

NannyRed, no one should judge you for making the right choice for you! and best wishes for you going forward.

Your elder ds already has a little sibling and you're all struggling. You will probably always feel a bit nostalgic for the baby days but in my view you should put the children you already have first and if you think they would be adversely affected by a new baby then I would terminate. You also have to think about your own mental health and that of your husband. If your relationship did breakdown could you cope with being a single parent to three children 50% or more of the time?

The waiting is driving me mad. Feeling more and more pregnant every day which is making it much more clouded in my head.

I'm so sorry this is so hard