How to chose how to proceed with unexpected pregnancy?

[Howtodecide123]

I know this isn't something anyone can help with and I hope to god this name change works.
How do you decide when to continue a pregnancy or not?
I have 4 wonderful children 2 that have their own additional needs.
I can give a million reasons why it's not a good idea to have another but I don't think o can bring myself to have a termination.

It was a failed contraceptive method so please no 'you should have prevented it better' brigade. I can't deal with that now.

I should add DH knows and we're going to have a chat tonight, he's already said he will support 100% any decision that we make together.

Fuck. Name change fail. Oh well

Everyone will have different opinions on this because of their opinions on abortion me personally would never be able to do it but that is my personal opinions and beliefs. I don't think anyone will be able to help you with this decision.

No I know it's something we have to decide but I can't and by not choosing then I'm effectively choosing to proceed anyway and that's the stupid stuff circling my brain right now.

I'm so confused.

Hi,
I had a termination myself a good few years ago (again failed contraception and failed morning after pill - was young and living at home with guardians (not parents!) at the time). It was very much the right decision considering my circumstances back then, I was in no way ready to be a parent and I don't regret my choice. That isn't to say that it wasn't an incredibly difficult and emotional experience - it did affect me quite deeply and I had to keep reminding myself that I had made the right decision - looking back I am 100% sure I did however I don't want to sugar coat it - you do need to be somewhat mentally prepared and I don't think I was at the time.

I work with children with special needs, and so I do understand your reasons for being unsure about continuing with the pregnancy. As wonderful as they are (they, as all children are, are amazing, unique and beautiful, I'm a huge advocate, I love my job!) they do present extra challenges and require a lot of extra time, and having four children in total I can see just why you would second guess this.

I'm not really sure what my point is here lol, I just wanted to share my experience and give an understanding point of view.

The decision is of course entirely yours, you know best what you and your children need and as hard as it would be whatever you decide, just know that whatever you and your partner choose to do is the right decision regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Xxx

We are at capacity, I often flop down at the end of the day and relish the hour or 2 I have before I fall asleep when they're all in bed.

I have 10 yrs childbearing left at a guess.

Space/finances we could make work if necessary. I worry about the impact on the kids we have and our relationship, which is solid at the moment but a new baby changes things with each one.

If it helps, those people I know who have gone on to have 5 or more. (I know a couple of people who have 12 and 13 children) All said that 4 was the hardest. For some reason having 5 or 6 or 7 or 11 or 12 didn't affect them the same way as when they had 4. It seemed to get easier. I have no idea why and I don't think they did either.

That's it. DH and I had a chat because I said no more and he wanted one more, we agreed to discuss again in 3-5 yrs time and see how we both felt.
I have always been pro choice, other women can do what they like but I have always felt that termination wasn't something that I could go through but now I'm here and I don't know anything anymore.

We are at capacity

This would be the decider for me. I have the total number of children that I can look after well, I'd be on the phone to Marie Stopes quicker than the strip dried out. But that's just me.

I say we're at capacity, I wonder if I could stretch it, sometimes it's easy and sometimes it's not. If I based it on today I'd say we weren't, if I based it on yesterday I'd say we were.

The thing is that I could tell you my point of view but it feels like I'm trying to be persuasive, but I'm not.

Disregard the following if necessary.

I think capacity is when you are wobbling on the tipping point between making it work and it coming away at the seems. Capacity is when everyone gets sick and you only just about keep the wheels turning. Or Christmas and special events come around and it just looks like a to-do list rather than something to enjoy. It's getting stuff done but thinking like it's fragile.

Sorry, pressed post too soon.

So I suppose I am saying, is there room for a whole new human between how things are now and your tipping point?

And if you go ahead with the pregnancy, how do you create that not insignificant wiggle room?

In terms of the additional needs, it's the eldest 2 children who are from a previous relationship so no danger of hereditary conditions passing on.
1 is fairly easy to manage (low end ASD) and one is considerably more serious (lifelimiting and shortening condition)
Obviously all babies are born with the capacity to have additional needs.

In terms of space, we could just about make it work. We have 1 extra seat in the car and stuff like that.

1 child in secondary school
1 starting the last year of juniors
1 starting the first year of primary
1 starting nursery

All from September, I was going to start working but it's not urgent financially.

Part of me still hope that I'll wake up tomorrow and my period will have arrived and I can go back to not worrying.

I have had 3 pretty awful pregnancies but the last one was fairly easy.
I worry about the judging, I'm fairly scatterbrained and get a lot of "oh your family goes through so much! How do you cope!" Type comments that I'm not sure are always warranted. When we are organised things run quite smoothly but I'm deffo the Mum that never gets approached for PTA or anything.

I have 2 wonderful sisters around for support and my MIL (waves if you're reading) is great, my in laws in general are supportive.

It's really early days, I've had 2 positives on dip stick tests and a negative in between with a first response. I'm going to take my final first response tomorrow with FMU and go from there.

Please don't let the judging of others get in the way of the best decision for you. They aren't worth your consideration. And you're certainly not missing anything interesting at the PTA.

Whatever you decide, you'll get to the best decision for you x

What are things to add into your equation?
Would it mean moving?
A new bigger car?
More expenses?
Would other children loose out for e.g. On having their own room?
Would it mean you and DH working longer?
(That was our deal breaker)
What would the other kids think?
And the biggy what if it was a high needs child?

We have 4 as well. A friend of mine with 5 who had the first in her early 20s and the last in her early 30s said the age difference made a huge difference as she just couldn't shrug of the fatigue like she could in her 20s.

We'd have to split our last 'big' bedroom so no one would lose a bedroom as such.
The car is a 7 seater so we have 1 more space in it when we're all there which isn't often anyway.
DH wouldn't need to work more, I currently do all the home stuff and he works 8-6 weekdays and gets paid a decent wage, we won't be able to fund uni or anything but we can't do that now so that again won't change.
What the kids will miss out on is more time with us by themselves, I have a time that just me and them one on one at the moment and I'd hate to lose that.
We don't holiday much anyway but when we do it's uk based stuff anyway.
I was looking forward to the time when the kids were more independent and we could have more us time to get out and about, we would be pushing that back another couple of years.
If we proceed I will query getting sterilised asap after the birth because this would 100% be the last (and would be due on my 31st Birthday!)
I have fallen pregnant now on all contraceptive I can safely use so that's a given.
DD has only just gone to sleep so I don't think much discussion will take place tonight. Tomorrow I will test with FMU and go from there.

I don't know what the kids would think, I think DS1 would be fine, DS3 would be fine DD would be upset because she's 2 and a real mummy's shadow type, DS2 might struggle because he thrives with 'Mum time' more than anything else, he was alright when the others came along though so who knows.
As for high needs, I guess it depends what it was, I wouldn't knowingly bring a child into the world that had screened high for a condition because that really wouldn't be fair on the others. If it were born and had medical problems then we'd deal with it as best we could.

It's so hard, I might try having a chat with my MIL to get some 'Mum' type advice.

It is encouraging that it won't affect most day to day thinge bar the 1:1 with your current dc (not minimising that, it is really important).

I think chatting to your MIL may be helpful, but maybe only in a how you react to her advice way- such as if she strongly suggests a termiation, maybe your git reaction to that will give you your answer?!

Gut reaction, not git! Inappropriate autocorrect there, sorry

So hard. It sounds like you've got a very full plate already.

It's okay to not want a baby. How does having a termination make you feel? And how does having another baby make you feel? There's often not a 'best option' in scenarios like this; just a 'least worse' option. It may be that neither option feels right, but you have to go with one. I don't think a termination is something that any woman 'chooses', more like circumstances dictate that having a baby isn't an option.

If you had a pill in front of you that meant it would all go away, would you take it?