Abortion dilemma

[infromthewoods]

I'm 42 with three DC 9,8 and 6. I'm separated from their dad, about 2 years now. I was in perimenopause but had a one night stand and found myself pregnant. I'm 6 weeks and have a medical abortion booked for Monday. I was dead certain of this as I couldn't imagine raising a baby as I am not financially secure and I have no family support. So it all makes sense. But now I'm having doubts, I keep thinking it's so random for me to get pregnant like this. But I'm not excited about it.
The alternative, abortion, terrifies me though. I have no support so will have to drive home and miscarry with my kids around. I don't know how I'll cope if I see bit of the baby. Can anyone reassure me this will be ok to cope with alone?

If in doubt, don't. You have to live with this forever.

Whatever you choose you life will never be the same now anyway.

I had mine at 40, and know plenty of people who had theirs older than you. Your older kids would pitch in as they love that sort of thing. Honestly, as the saying goes: when in doubt, leave it out!

Ps I also had a 'one-off' chance st pregnancy and promised myself never to take that risk again afterwards. However it was too late, and I was pregnant. The difference between seeing the pregnancy I had tried for, and this one, was the difference between looking at positive test result and saying shit instead of fantastic!

I was petrified for a lot of reasons, but now that I know my child I cannot imagine life without him.

do you have a bit more time before you have to make the 'final' decision. do you have any friends you trust that you can talk to?

If in doubt, don't. You have to live with this forever. I dont think this is really helpful, its not a black and white decision.
Your older kids might not want to 'pitch in' only you and they can tell that

Think of yourself giving birth, who is there to help with your current children? sleepless nights? expense,...

I know i'm only putting the negative bits here, and there are good things about having DC - but when you have 3 already, is 4 a good idea?

^ I dont think this is really helpful, its not a black and white decision.
obviously the outcome is black and white - but the reasons for getting there are not

OP, do you want another child? Once you answer that question, then you have your answer. And you will be able to terminate or raise it alone.

I've spent a year retraining and am setting up my own business so I can have a better income as I don't want to be stuck on benefits. Having this child would mean no free time for me and probably no business for a few years. It fills me with dread having to bring up this child and it will be mixed race so I have to consider that too. I'm worried the impact it will have on my security as my ex husband pays for this house and he might withdraw that once he knows I'm pregnant. Just being realistic here, bringing a child into that isn't ideal

Dione, if I was in a secure loving relationship, I would consider another child but I never wanted to alone

I absolutely feel for you, but there is nothing in your posts that makes me think you really want this baby.
Is there nobody who can help you on Monday?

All my close friends work, and can't get the time off. I have asked a friend if she can drop the kids back from school so I don't have to do the school run. I want a feel for how debilitating it will be from anyone who's had it before

Then make an appointment for termination and take any pre-abortion counselling offered, to thoroughly talk it through. The earlier you do it, the better and you can always change your mind after bookingetting, if you want to.

Take care infromthewoods.

I have an appointment for Monday Dione, I had to wait two weeks as I went last week and the scan showed I was too early. Yes I'd rather it happened sooner than later as I don't think I could abort a more developed child

There is a post titled 'driving myself home' in this topic, the poster on it gives some brief details which might help you?

Oops, x-post. Have a look at some of the other posts in this topic. They will give you an indication of what to expect once you have taken the pills OP.

I've just been through this. Pregnant at 42, 2 kids already, well past the baby stage. Husband also not overly keen on another. I panicked and booked an abortion pretty much straight from the off.

First appt they dated me at 4+1 much too early to see anything and booked me in again for the following week. I was then 5+4.

I went for medical. I was on my own. My apt was at 10.30 and I had to be available for the school run at 3pm. The nurse told me I would be very uncomfortable and to go straight home. I didn't - I padded up and did the school run expecting to be in agony and flooding blood.

Actually nothing happened until 6pm when I had a few period type pains. Started bleeding slightly at 7pm, straight away passed the grey tissue they said would be the sack.

I haven't had any pain other than very mild cramps, I traded the huge maternity pads for normal ones pretty much straight away.

It's been just over a week and it hasn't been debilitating at all, absolutely no worse than a period with the inconvenience of being unable to wear a tampon.

I read a million stories before I went in for it and scared myself utterly senseless but for me it really was very straightforward and hopefully if you decide to go ahead, it will be for you too.

Lola thanks so much that's really reassuring as you're in a similar situation and understand having to care for the kids etc...

I guess I was looking for someone to chat to as I don't have a partner or family around. I've talked with friends about it and mostly I think I"m doing the right thing.

I have a niggly doubt as I'm Christian and was always not keen on abortion for myself. But purely for practical reasons I can see it as the only answer.

I guess I'm just hoping if I get it over with quickly it will be less traumatic as I too have read all the posts and stories and still feel no better

Lola do you feel fine about it now?

Yes I feel absolutely fine. My overwhelming response was that I 100% didn't want another baby. With my other 2 I planned for them and was so happy when I got the bfp, this time it was just crushing panic.

Some people may judge because I'm married, financially comfortable etc. I always very much said that if No. 3 came along it wouldn't be the end of the world etc. But it did feel like the end of the world to me when it happened.

I felt like I would be nearing 44 by the time the baby came along, the gap between my youngest and this one would be too big, it would impact my children's lives so much. I literally couldn't see any positives.

I thought very hard about keeping it just because I was so scared about the abortion process but I'm glad that I went ahead, mentally I'm fine because i know it was the right decision for me.

Infrimthewoods Go with your initial gut instinct lovely. Think of the kids your already have and the fact this one might have a hard relationship with his father (given that you guys aren't together)
I'm 40- have 3 DC and we have just had a miscarriage but the difference with me trying is that I've got the loving relationship and financial security- without those the thought of more would horrify me. Allow yourself your time in life.
Sending so much healing love xxx

Infrom, I had a medical abortion and it's very straightforward as Lola says, I don't think Wonderment's 'whichever you chose life will never be the same again comment' is very helpful.

I have had two abortions, one when I was very young and absolutely knew that it was not the right time for me to have a baby and one a couple of years ago when I knew my child-rearing days were over. I've never felt anything but an immediate sense of relief when they were done.

Abortion does not always have to be a terrible soul-searching experience that causes upset (not to say it isn't for some people and their circumstances), it can be an entirely pragmatic and rational decision that does no harm to the woman at all.

, I don't think Wonderment's 'whichever you chose life will never be the same again comment' is very helpful.

These threads so often have women saying they're not comfortable with abortion, but see no other way out. It's common to think a quick abortion will somehow put everything back to how it was, but it isn't as simple as that. The op has suggested she has conflict about it, and then later revealed she iis a Christian, which suggests her views, if based on the bible, would not support abortion. This would obviously create an additional layer of conflict, one not easily escaped from. Obviously the message of God is one of forgiveness, but in order to ask forgiveness I suppose you have to see that there is something to forgive in the first place? So what I am saying is: the op has said she struggles with this because of her religious conviction, which is no small thing. Spurs, it could be helpful to have someone politely point out that life has changed now, whichever path you choose to take.

I'm not playing that game, I was brought up a Catholic, the church and the patriarchy have done an excellent job on women when it comes to questions of fertility and volition.

There is nothing to forgive, if God as you believe in him exists, he is nothing more than a superior being, who the fuck is he to tell us what we need to feel sorrow and shame for?

Built in his image, aye.

Do not make this woman question her choices because you have fucked up beliefs connected to religion.

OP, believe it or not, I still cling on to some Christian values, despite the best efforts of the church.

If there is a God, I would think and have always thought they were compassionate, the vestigages of my faith are cloaked in kindness, not judgement, and any pious bugger that seeks your salvation is not worth your time.

Do what's right for you, and feel sound in your decision.

There are sacrifices to be made whichever I choose. Either for me or my children. In my view God would forgive me as he knows my situation and the struggle I'm having. I had an issue and took it to my vicar and she basically said that, we are just messy children in his eyes.

infromthewoods. If it's mostly the practicalities of the abortion that you're worried about, would you consider a surgical? There no waiting for bleeding then, though you'd have to wait a bit longer and would possibly require someone to transport you.

It is hard. I hate that abortion is all tangled up in morals and ethics; it makes it even more difficult for women to make a decision.

As a pp said, you need to think primarily about yourself and the children you have because at the moment that's the only reality you know. If you want the baby then don't abort. If you feel like you don't then termination is an option and there's no shame in it.

I like the idea of God seeing us as messy children

How are you OP? Did you attend on Monday?