Termination- damned if i do, damned if i don't :-(

[Justme84]

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Justme84Mon 12-Jun-17 17:47:41

I've been scouring the internet for the last week looking for advice. Mumsnet appears to have the most practical common sense advice. So here I am.

I am 32 years old with 2 children. A good marriage and about to embark in my final year of a degree that has very nearly broken me. I've been so excited to see the light at the end of this tunnel
We are about to move house too next week all being well with completion. A much nicer house which has been made possible as in 12 months time I will be not only earning but earning a comfortable amount.

I was for the first time in a long time feeling happier.

Until 10 days ago when out of the blue I got a positive pregnancy test. I am on the pill and can't think of anything I did for the pill to fail.
I can't remember my lmp as I don't always bleed when I have my pill break but I know it was towards the end of April. Making me 6 weeks pregnant
I am devastated.

I KNOW I can't have this baby. I have worked so so so so hard to get to where I am. I am profoundly aware of how selfish and self righteous this sounds.
My husband has said from the beginning that it would be impractical to have a baby right now and is also as upset as me about the whole situation.

I am booked with marie stopes to have a surgical termination this Thursday. I am beyond heartbroken about this.
I am trying my very best to do what is right by everyone except the baby so it would seem. My mind is made up but it isn't stopping the pain I am feeling and I just don't know how to cope.
I feel very pregnant right now too which means it's all I think about.

I have gone back and forth with the what ifs and I am torturing myself reading pro life literature which says the baby will feel everything.
I feel like I am playing god but I know can't carry on feeling this way.

With my 2 children I cried tears of joy with my pregnancy tests
This one however I sobbed like I have never before through pure heartbreak. I feel like a monster.

I am looking for anyone that can offer me practical advice on what is to come and about what I am feeling right now. Sorry if I have brought up any hurtful past experiences.

I started this thread on the wrong board and copied and pasted.

Let me try again...

I've been scouring the internet for the last week looking for advice. Mumsnet appears to have the most practical common sense advice. So here I am.

I am 32 years old with 2 children. A good marriage and about to embark in my final year of a degree that has very nearly broken me. I've been so excited to see the light at the end of this tunnel
We are about to move house too next week all being well with completion. A much nicer house which has been made possible as in 12 months time I will be not only earning but earning a comfortable amount.

I was for the first time in a long time feeling happier.

Until 10 days ago when out of the blue I got a positive pregnancy test. I am on the pill and can't think of anything I did for the pill to fail.
I can't remember my lmp as I don't always bleed when I have my pill break but I know it was towards the end of April. Making me 6 weeks pregnant
I am devastated.

I KNOW I can't have this baby. I have worked so so so so hard to get to where I am. I am profoundly aware of how selfish and self righteous this sounds.
My husband has said from the beginning that it would be impractical to have a baby right now and is also as upset as me about the whole situation.

I am booked with marie stopes to have a surgical termination this Thursday. I am beyond heartbroken about this.
I am trying my very best to do what is right by everyone except the baby so it would seem. My mind is made up but it isn't stopping the pain I am feeling and I just don't know how to cope.
I feel very pregnant right now too which means it's all I think about.

I have gone back and forth with the what ifs and I am torturing myself reading pro life literature which says the baby will feel everything.
I feel like I am playing god but I know can't carry on feeling this way.

With my 2 children I cried tears of joy with my pregnancy tests
This one however I sobbed like I have never before through pure heartbreak. I feel like a monster.

I am looking for anyone that can offer me practical advice on what is to come and about what I am feeling right now. Sorry if I have brought up any hurtful past experiences

I'm afraid I can't offer practical advice, but what I would say is...

I am profoundly aware of how selfish and self righteous this sounds.

It doesn't sound that way at all. You don't need to justify your reasons. They are good and valid.

I am torturing myself reading pro life literature which says the baby will feel everything.

STOP. Put that shit down. Better yet, light a fire and burn it. There is no evidence whatsoever to back up those claims, and it's all written by people with their own religious or moral agenda. Nothing good can come from looking at it.

Try to remind yourself that this isn't a baby. It's not even close. It's a bundle of cells that is roughly the size of a pea. You don't owe it anything.

I really do understand that this is a difficult decision for you. But you must stop trying to beat yourself up about it. Think about yourself and your family, and what is best for all of you. Good luck xx

Thank you for your kind words. It helps so much.

I am torturing myself with thoughts of "the baby" and I know it's cells in my mind. My heart keeps making me see it as a new born though. Which is making it super tough.

How are you feeling today OP? I had my medical termination today, I'm told that surgical is much easier... will be thinking of you tomorrow x

Just waiting to go in

They're now saying they might not be able to do it today as I have had 2 c sections. I did tell them this when I booked.
So I feel so apprehensive.

How are you finding the medical one. I hope you're okay xx

It got quite unpleasant at one point but once the sac came out the pain went away pretty much instantly. Now it's just like a regular period.

Have they said you may need a medical one instead then?

Do you have anybody with you? xx

They said I could only do a medical.

And my dates seem odd. I know there were 2 possible dates of conception and the dates they gave me were quite a way off

Well a week but still. Seems odd.

I've had my first tablets. Back tomorrow for the next lot.

I am so worried about the pain and I feel very sad xx

I had a surgical termination nearly 20 years ago. I was put under a GA so obviously didn't feel a thing and just had what felt like a v heavy period afterwards. I have to admit, I would have found a medical mentally more difficult.

Sorry to sound so matter of fact but this is a mentality I have to adopt, for me.

I guess if this was me again, I would already know I was doing it for the right reasons I wouldn't allow anything to change that.

It's not a baby, it's squidy matter and cells.

I certainly wouldn't be worrying about the dates. The decision has been made, the dates of conception is kind of irrelevant now. (I'm assuming this doesn't change how many weeks you are)

As for the pain, you will cope with it.

I don't regret my decision, if I had given birth my life wouldn't be what it is now. Circumstances at the time were just so wrong.

However, deep deep in my tough cold heart, I still think about the 19 year old I would of had now but I certainly don't dwell on it.

You have a life, wonderful family and that's what you concentrate on xx

I think they overestimated mine by about a fortnight too.

The pain isn't too bad. They'll give you some codeine, and you can also take paracetamol and ibuprofen. Start with the paracetamol and work your way up. You'll need plenty of sanitary towels as you can't use tampons.

You'll be ok, I promise. I was scared too as I'd heard so many horror stories, but it really isn't as terrible as I expected, and the hard part was over pretty quickly. x

How did today go OP? x

I was on your other thread, OP - I hope today went okay, and you are feeling alright about it. Look after yourself, and be kind to yourself.

Sorry for the delay
Well it couldn't have all gone anymore awkward to be honest.

The whole process what a nightmare but it's done now. I am feeling relieved and somewhat guilty
It's a very strange mix of emotions.

I'll paste what happened in a while from another thread as it is a bit of an essay but it might help someone if they ever find themselves in this predicament.

How are you after the medical?

Just thought I would update. I found reading other experiences incredibly helpful.

Thursday rolled around and I was an absolute emotional wreck. Went along to Marie stopes ( whom I might add were awful in my opinion) only to be told they wouldn't do a surgical as I had 2 c sections. I knew I couldn't keep delaying the inevitable so they gave me the first abortion tablet. It felt very much like a conveyor belt and I came out feeling horrendous. I called later that night to tell them I had changed my mind and didn't want the second tablets.
They told me that was my choice but I should as it causes defects. However, I was still confident of my reasoning to actually have a termination but the way they made it feel gave me doubts.
I called my gp who said that if it resulted in a loss of pregnancy then it would occur in the first 6-12 hours and I would experience cramping. I didn't. The GP also booked me in the following day to a bpas clinic to keep my options open as he believed it was the medical option that was filling me with doubt. I wasn't so sure and in all honesty I felt a mess.
I went along the next day and they scanned me. Said I was 6 weeks ( the marie stopes clinic scanned me but it seemed less thorough as they weren't convinced they could see anything) this is where the first discrepancy came.
By this point I should have been ticking over into the 7/8 th week mark as there had been a slight revision of dates when I found a text to my mum from April telling her my period had arrived early and that I felt terrible with it.
So I questioned it and they said sometimes it happens. They booked me in for a surgical procedure telling me I could indeed change my mind at any time and that at that point the embryo was there and heartbeat and fetal pole could be seen, so not to worry about the first tablet too much.

I called my gp when I got home and he explained that usually with such a difference in ultrasound date and lmp the usual advice would be to scan in a weeks time to see if there was progression. Obviously i wasn't following the usual procedure. I was certain on the conception date as we only had sex once and even allowing for the week it can sometimes take something didn't seem right. Also a week previous to that the horrific morning sickness and breast tenderness had decreased to being barely there. I felt then that something wasn't right and that scan confirmed it for me to a degree.

Friday evening I started spotting and it continued all weekend. It was heavier than typical pregnancy spotting.

Tuesday I went back for my surgical and they 're scanned. There was no longer a heartbeat.
I felt relief and guilt and everything all at once.
They carried out the procedure under sedation but I was very aware of what was happening. They wrote missed miscarriage on my notes.
I asked the Dr when he came to see me after if it was my fault with the 1st tablet and he said not likely as it's usually turns off the pregnancy within 12 hours. I had been scanned 36 hours later and everything seemed okay and that's why he felt it was more likely a miscarriage taking into account the discrepancy of dates, loss of symptoms etc.
Before I found out I was pregnant u had drank a lot more than usual due to uni annual leave. I'd then taken 2 weeks of antibiotics that are not allowed during pregnancy and exposed myself to ( perfectly safe for me as an adult) low level radiation that had the potential to interfere with early cell development in pregnancy.
( I'm not a Russian spy or anything) but radiation is something I find myself around safely most days.
Speaking to the gp about all of these risk factors confirmed my decision and almost gives me some peace now. I hadn't really thought about any of the risk factors I had already exposed the pregnancy to when I first found out. It was more when I started questioning myself and my decision.

So here I am today. The day after.
Feeling quite empty to be honest.
Not sure what to think anymore.

I know that having a baby was never going to be the right choice and in hindsight I do feel that it was the medical termination that made me doubt myself rather than the actual termination
Despite being sad I do feel relieved and I can't fault the staff at bpas at all. They were truly wonderful.
I'm not in any physical pain and despite feeling sad, I don't feel as sad as I did on the build up to it, if that makes sense?
The bleeding is that of a normal period and the sedation didn't leave me feeling groggy at all. In fact I am not even convinced it worked.

You did well for writing this. It will make you feel better. It wasn`t meant to be.
You will find peace, soon.

Thank you for sharing, I could resonate with what you went through, except I really did not want to have a child.
You are exempted from guilt by the knowledge that it would have been a miscarriage.
"Not sure what to think of it anymore" -- Just let it cook. And write a journal.

I had a termination on May 30 and I think I will carry this event in me while I live. (I shared it in ambivalent and in please read my post I feel a monster)This was my first pregnancy and I am 42. I have various reasons for my decision and I am lucky to have found a lovely analyst who I can share it with. I recently had a dream about it, which I am going to share with him. The rest, how I feel about it in my waking life I prefer to share only with women.

Take care of yourself.

Hugs