11 weeks pregnant but no connection and don't know what to do

[butterflytoast]

I feel very nervous about posting this here. I'm 11 weeks pregnant with my third. This was not a planned pregnancy although we weren't as careful as we could have been.

Prior to this pregnancy I was really broody - the idea of completing our family seemed like something that would make us all happy but a pipe dream - I have quite severe endometriosis.
However, when I missed a period I felt sick and had a feeling of dread. I rang bpas without thinking but they were so busy I couldn't get through.

My gp confirmed the pregnancy and my OH was over the moon - there was no other talk of options, as far as he was aware, I was as thrilled as him.

Except I'm not. I'm self employed, we have a 20 month old and an 11 year old. We rent because house prices around here are phenomenal. We can't move because of my eldest' school catchment area. The youngest is at home with mr and I juggle full time work with her and the house.

Right now I am exhausted and so sick. I feel so ungrateful and trapped and I have no connection to this pregnancy. I haven't told any of my friends.

Without dripfeeding, I had really bad anxiety after my youngest was born due to work issues - I took my company to court for discrimination and lost over a stone in weight, had panic attacks regularly and had CBT. I don't expect the same to happen here, I just feel so overwhelmed and lovely and guilty for feeling this way. I wake up most mornings and wish a miscarriage to solve all these problems but then I feel like a monster. I felt so connected and involved with my last two babies - why don't I feel like this now?

Please, please, don't judge me. I put my children first for everything and I never felt I'd feel like this - I don't understand. This should have been such an exciting and special time but it's not.

Maybe the hormones are affecting you differently this time because the situation is different.

Only you can decide what you want to do. Maybe you should explain to DP how you feel. He'd be able to quell the fear a bit. No pregnancy's the same. And it's not guarenteed that the awful anxiety post birth will return this time.

I had awful anxiety during pregnancy with panic attacks, sobbing in my car in Tesco's car park kind of thing but it was like it turned off when DS was born. It was so odd. I was dreading him coming because I thought it'd make it all worse but instead he had the opposite affect.

for you.

My OH is resolutely against abortion - I have always been pro-choice but he doesn't even want us to have any of the tests "so we're not put in a difficult position". This wasn't an issue previously but there's no way we could have a conversation without it being damaging to our relationship- I don't think he'd look at me the same. That sounds dramatic and he's not an arse, he just has wildly different views it seems.

I feel fat and frumpy and grumpy. I dread the thought of having a boy because that's all our family have gone on about - how nice it would be to finally have a boy. I feel hung up on its gender, which is irrational and ridiculous.

I feel in someways a slave to my hormones and in others I feel like they've put some fire in my belly about not taking shit from people.

I can't look at babies. I don't want to tell anyone about the pregnancy because I just don't want to talk about it. I feel resentful that it's taking me away from my other children and work and my life plans - and then I feel guilty because I wanted this.

My MIL and family are overbearing around children, my parents have set views on children, I just want to run away.

Sorry for negativity. My best friend is currently struggling to conceive. I wish so much it was her pregnancy and not mine.

God, this could be so outing. Shit.

I didn't want a boy either but I'm so glad I have one. I cried after the scan that he wasn't a girl and then because I was so ungrateful as he was healthy and some people don't even get that.

I also didn't tell anyone I was pregnant as I didn't see it as a happy event. In a lot of ways I ruined it for myself but I couldn't help it at the time.

Is there no one in RL you can talk to?

Your head seems to be leaping all over the place trying to find things to worry about which is totally understandable.
You're feeling overwhelmed because as good as your H is you will be the most effected by it.
It's normal to feel like this. The hard part is deciding if your feelings are a kick back reaction from the shock of finding out you're pregnant or a more deep seated feeling that this is not the path for you.
Is it possible to write a list of your concerns and how they may be tackled.
Nursery for littlest one. Then nursery for baby too for some or all of the week so you can work more easily.
A child minder or some help in the home.
How you deal with parents and ILs such as telling them straight that they will not mention gender again or how you two raise the children.
If you write your concerns down and what needs to happen about them you will be able to see logically if this is the path for you. To make sense of it all.
I feel for you. The more you can reason it out the harder it is to make sense of you're feelings.

The more you can't I meant to say.

Hi I am currently pregnant. I very much wanted this (my second) pregnancy. I felt awful from very early on to mid-late pregnancy. I felt very down, not at all connected to the pregnancy. Just to give you a bit of hope I feel much better now, I am getting close to the end and have felt so much better and very connected to the pregnancy. I wish you well.

You've all been so lovely to me, thank you. I just feel so ashamed and guilty for feeling like this.

I have no one I can talk to in RL - my mother can't hold her water and would be discussing it with all and sundry, my best friend is struggling to conceive, my other friend also can't quite keep things to herself and I'm not that close with anyone else enough to trust them - I feel like this would be treated as taboo gossip rather than something serious.

I can't trust how I feel - I even started looking at leaving my OH because I feel like I don't love him anymore - prior to the pregnancy we were so loved up and happy. Now I can't stand him and I'm fed up of being the one who does everything at home (real or hormonal I don't know).

I don't really know what I'm expecting from writing all of this - an unburdening i suppose. Realistically if I had a termination my relationship would be over. My family would struggle to understand why.

I wish I could embrace this and just be happy instead of so self destructing or if I could change things, I would wish that I wasn't pregnant.

I had hideous anxiety with my first, this time I'm less anxious but feel more detached from it.

Radio 4 woman's hour talked last week on mental health after birth and how anxiety was never talked about, just depression.

I've signed up to an online CBT course as I can already feel the teeth grinding starting.

Sorry not much help but you're not alone.

How far along are you now?

It feels like such a taboo subject - thank you for your kind words.

I felt not dissimilar to this while pregnant with a long tried for baby. First grandchild, so my parents were thrilled, but I really wasn't. I wonder if I had some form of antenatal depression - and I wonder if it's the same for you?

OP I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so awful. could you see your MW or GP and talk about how you feel? if everything has changed since you got PG it could be the hormones or depression. Wishing you the best of luck

@SheepyFun @Phoebefromfriends thank you both for your replies.

I honestly don't feel depressed - just void of emotional attachments and I know I don't really want a termination and I would be devastated if I had a miscarriage - whilst this wasn't a planned baby in the sense of timings and ovulation, it was and is a very much wanted baby.

I'm just sick, tired, fed up, and possibly massively overwhelmed. I really want to bond like I did with my previous two but whatever barrier that I've put up is making that hard. I don't even know if that makes sense.

Having people be kind to me about this has really helped - thank you all. I'm hoping that once I've had my scan things will feel more real and I'll be able to start planning better - as a PP said, make logical lists as to how to address everything.

Pleased to hear posting has been cathartic. I'd definitely suggest speaking to your midwife about how you feel and then rallying all the RL support you can. Take one day at a time. All the best OP