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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

How did you make the decision to terminate pregnancy? **Title edited by MNHQ**

59 replies

dontknowwhattoexpect · 04/04/2017 23:37

Just found out I am pg, cannot keep it. I am too young and we have no money and it's not the right time. i know I can't keep it. But it's sad because it would have a lovely dad and family and I think I could be a good mum.

Would be great to hear from anyone else who has been in this position and how you felt about it. How easy was it to make this decision? Was it hard if you knew you really wanted to have a baby but just not at that time? Esp if you knew it was with the right man, but again just the wrong circumstances?
I am struggling at the moment. I have a supportive partner but would like to hear from some other women so I don't feel alone.

thank you in advance
x

OP posts:
Lilyoftheforest · 05/04/2017 00:32

Blimey Sad Perhaps not the best idea posting that laughwithmeleelee. Shock

I think the OP needs support, not scare tactics!

Lilyoftheforest · 05/04/2017 00:33

I mean the bit about your sis-in-law...

Lilyoftheforest · 05/04/2017 00:35

And I did say '21 is too young' is my opinion...

Italiangreyhound · 05/04/2017 00:35

Mysterycat23 I hope you can find peace and enjoy your lovely baby. Please do not allow the past to spoil this special time. XXXX

dontknowwhattoexpect "Italian i have been thinking about the age thing, I know it sounds silly but I'm having this stupid worry that karma will get me and now I won't be able to conceive when I want to. I dont even believe in karma!"

I don't believe in Karma either! I do not believe you will not be able to have a baby if you have an abortion. Several people have said on here that they have had an abortion and then had a baby. So there is no reason to believe this to be the case. I am just saying you do not know whether you will be able to or not, I said most likely you will be able to (based on the simple fact you are quite young).

So in all likelihood you will be able to have another pregnancy at a different time.

What you do about this pregnancy is your choice but whether you manage to get pregnant again is not necessarily in your control, that's all I am saying.

"What I am most afraid of about having a child is regret, and possibly resenting a poor child who didn't ask to be born." This is of course what you need to work out for yourself. Babies can restrict some people, for some they do not. It really depends on lots of factors. You are doing the right thing by thinking about this and analysing your options.

What does your partner feel?

You do not sound cold, you sound a bit scared. Is that how you feel? If so, I'd try and get beyond that feeling if you can. I think probably whichever route you take you will be OK.

Just to be totally honest I am absolutely on the side of women having the right choose whether to continue with a pregnancy or not. However, personally, I can't imagine ever having an abortion except in very extreme circumstances, and my experiences of fertility treatment over many years have probably increased my feelings about pregnancy (and what a minor miracle it is!0.

BUT I totally get that you are a lot younger than me and may never have such issues.

Thanks XXXXX

OkPedro · 05/04/2017 00:36

You don't sound cold at all op
You can read 10 stories about how abortion was right for those people and 10 stories that keeping the baby was the right decision for them. It's about what's right for you and your partner. Do you want a dc now? Regardless of your circumstances? Or do you want to wait until you've lived your life a bit more? I don't agree that there's never a right time to have dc... also having an abortion now doesn't mean you'll have problems later on conceiving

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 05/04/2017 00:37

It was the easiest thing I ever did. I have never wanted kids so when I fell pregnant at 30 from a ONS, it didn't even occur to me to keep it.

Oh well done laugh - there is always one who is determined to make someone feel shit about a decision to terminate Hmm

Italiangreyhound · 05/04/2017 00:39

WildBelle counselling sounds like a really good idea.

finnmcool you sound awesome.

BoldKitties · 05/04/2017 00:40

I was 17. It was the right decision for me. It was a difficult decision for sure, but still the right one. I've never regretted it.

Only you can make this decision though, as tough as it is. It's hard. If you have any questions I'll try to answer them. I'll second Marie Stopes being great.

luckycatclover · 05/04/2017 00:40

Too young, in the middle of my degree, very new/unstable relationship, partner didn't want it, absolutely no money and nowhere to live should I have chosen to keep the baby.

OkPedro · 05/04/2017 00:42

livia The scaremongering is disgusting. Funny how no one has mentioned how pregnancy carries more risks to women than abortion.

Original poster
dontknowwhattoexpect · 05/04/2017 00:44

I am certainly very grateful to be living in the UK with access to all the support I need.

I cannot imagine how scary this must be living in a country where there is limited or no access, or when you know most people would consider you a killer or something horrible like that Angry

OP posts:
OkPedro · 05/04/2017 00:48

Yep dontknow it's fuckn awful and scary. My dd is 8, I can only hope by the time she's old enough,abortion will be an option for her in Ireland

laughwithmeleelee · 05/04/2017 00:50

I did say there was no link and it was purely my opinion! I wasn't posting about 21 not being too young to anyone in particular, again it's just me opinion, we tend to have a fair few young but mums in my family, myself having my first at 24 but felt like a teenager in hospital surrounded by older mums!

I am not trying to scare anybody and I realise that it is a hard decision but everyone deserves to
Know some true stories behind making the decision. I always believe if you are certain and that your decision is made before the line appears then I agree but if there is even the slightest doubt then there could be regret after it's done

BoldKitties · 05/04/2017 00:50

laughwithmeleelee, given that the OP didn't ask for your personal opinions on termination, I have no idea why you found it relevant or appropriate to state 'Personally don't agree with termination unless in a extreme scenario like poorly baby or rape etc ' Angry. And your little anecdote about your SIL, well exactly what Livia said.

laughwithmeleelee · 05/04/2017 00:58

Boldkitties I only stated my opinion to show everyone has there own opinions!

Little anecdote? My sister in law has openly admitted me she feels guilt every day....there was absolutely no link to her previous termination...if OP decides to terminate then that's the decision right for her....I not here to make her feel shit about terminating!

SingingSilver · 05/04/2017 01:03

I put my heart over my head. I can't say I regret it, but it was far from a decent start for my dc and the older I get the more I understand why my loved ones weren't thrilled for me. My dc has a disability which pretty much rules both our lives, and my life hasn't really changed or moved forward in 18 years (except for a few grey hairs). Further education went out of the window, so did any prospects of a good career. Dc could use a level of support that I can't afford for him. And his great father disappeared into the sunset when ds's behaviour became challenging.

I would never tell a young person they shouldn't have a child, but you could potentially be giving up far more than you know. Some women wonder about what their might-have-been children would be doing now. I wonder about what the me's in parallel universes might be doing...

Original poster
dontknowwhattoexpect · 05/04/2017 01:03

laugh thanks for sharing and affirming its important to make the choice thats right for me i know you meant well

my partner has just got home he is being brilliant (see what i mean about difficult working hours! although its not as if babies are on a 9-5 schedule i suppose) we are going to the doctors tomorrow. what can i expect at the very first step?

OP posts:
Original poster
dontknowwhattoexpect · 05/04/2017 01:04

you have all made me feel so much more composed and in control. thank you.

OP posts:
laughwithmeleelee · 05/04/2017 01:09

Glad he is supportive for you, it's what you need!I hope it all goes ok! Flowers

BoldKitties · 05/04/2017 01:15

I not here to make her feel shit about terminating! Good. Nobody here should be trying to make the OP feel shit about anything.

You'll have to forgive me for thinking it irrelevent to share what you 'personally' think about termination, given that dontknowwhattoexpect didn't ask for anyone's personal opinions. But that's neither here nor there.

BoomBoomsCousin · 05/04/2017 01:22

As soon as I suspected I was pregnant I knew I would have an abortion. In that sense it was an "easy" decision. Still serious, but not one that I had to agonize over. I was about to start my first permanent, professional job. My partner and I were both just out of uni, weren't even living together, hadn't even been together that long. We had little money, no stable housing, etc. I didn't think it was a good situation to bring a child up in and I didn't want to be raising a child at that point in my life either. I'd seen my mum struggle with two children, both unplanned and conceived at a point when she (and my dad) weren't ready and I just thought it was a pretty dumb decision to keep us (i.e. me and my brother) when she could have got herself sorted and had children later when she was ready.

Years later I was ready for children and my now DH (same guy) and I have two daughters. It's hard work now, but not a struggle. I am so very glad we waited.

UserSchmooser · 05/04/2017 01:23

For us it was just the wrong time. We had one but it was too soon. As we found out very early, it was an easy decision.

We started trying again about a year later and had our second.

Because it as so early on, I don't feel any emotions about it. I think the later it's left the harder it must be.

WildBelle · 05/04/2017 01:29

WRT counselling, if you get the wheels in motion by phoning up to self refer for a termination, they will ask you then if you want counselling. You can choose over the phone counselling or in person. I found it really helpful, they were not at all judgy and it helped to clarify my decision.

That said, as I said earlier I was pg at 22 and kept her. My knee jerk reaction was 'I've got to have an abortion' when I saw the positive test. I was In a relationship I knew wouldn't last, living in a caravan and no stable job (was temping). I did 2 weeks of soul searching before I finally made the decision to have her. If you've only just found out, be prepared that you may well swing from one decision to the other over the coming weeks, and counselling might help to balance that out.

SilverOnToast · 05/04/2017 02:11

I had two terminations in my early twenties, one in a country where abortion is illegal (scary!) and one in the U.K. I've never regretted either of them, and it hasn't affected me having a family now. That said, I was pretty cross that no one had warned me how painful the process might be (medical, not surgical). I've since spoken to two other women who were also really pissed off that no one had mentioned anything more than "mild period cramps" although I guess it's subjective. I know it's probably overlooked because the emotional toll is often harder, but strong painkillers and not needing to work the next day are beneficial too!

beingsunny · 05/04/2017 02:41

Hi, I'm not sure if it will be helpful,
I have a four year old DS, I last week opted for a termination.

I recently divorced from my DH, I have another partner of 18 months and we are blissfully happy.

I fell pregnant when my coil failed, it wasn't planned, but at the same time we had talked about maybe next year (we aren't getting any younger)

I decided that given my experience so far of how hard parenting is, I'm in another country on the other side of the world to my family, he would have supported me if I wanted to go ahead but I knew he wasn't in 100%.

I believe you should both want it, or expect to be a single parent, for the next 20 years, my EXH has left me with a whole load of debt, and will take me a couple of years to get my life back on track, I do have a great well paid full time job, and I still found it quite a difficult decision.

There is no right answer, if you go ahead with a termination, you need to be at peace with your choice because you have to live with it.

I feel for you, it's hard but you have to be selfish and do what's right for you right now.