I want to abort a baby I tried for.

[wingingitmomma]

Ok, so the subject of this thread sounds absolutely awful and it is. This is by far the worst decision I have ever had to face and the awful thoughts that have gone through my mind are horrifying.

My situation is this, I have the most gorgeous little girl shes only 6 months old and a loving and attentive partner he is also a wonderful dad. I am roughly 6 weeks pregnant again. We decided we wanted to have two children close together so we never bothered going on anything but we certainly wasn't expecting to get caught so soon. I suffered two miscarriages in a previous relationship so believe me I know what a blessing a pregnancy can be however, when that positive line showed up a week ago I felt anything but happy about it. My partner however was ecstatic and called our family's within the hour to share the news everyone was so pleased, a little shocked but definitely pleased with the news of another baby.

I've tried to be happy about it but I just cant whenever im alone I just want to cry. My daughter really is the best thing that ever happened to me I look at her little face and my heart just melts and I know I would feel the same about any other children I will have. I want more children and although I wasn't actually trying to get pregnant I wasn't doing anything to stop it and now I feel like a failure and an evil person because I just dont feel emotionally ready for another baby I have just about got used to managing with her I know how incredibly selfish I sound but I just want to enjoy my little girl and get to grips with being a mommy to her.

I have even considered having an abortion and trying to pass it off as a miscarriage.... how sick and twisted is that. I know some woman are put in a position where this is the only option but we are talking about lying to a good man here.. a man I want to marry. He would be devastated if he knew how I felt I haven't told anyone its my darkest secret but I just dont know what to do I have agonised over this and tortured myself does anyone have any advice? I cant shake this feeling that this is all wrong.

I should probably mention that I suffered with post natal depression for about 12 weeks after my daughter was born it caused me to be very protective over the little one esp when it came to my MIL although she is a fantastic woman it has definitely left a mark on our relationship and I haven't been the same with her since luckily she still makes alot of effort with me but I still rarely let her babysit or see my daughter I dont know why but I still cant bare to see her holding my child. My own mum is dead she passed away a few years ago she was quite young and her death was sudden. sorry for the ramble but the background info might help x

You are not a failure.

You may not be over PND. Took me years. Go and talk to your GP about this now. Whatever you decide on the pregnancy, you will need counselling, I think.

Am sorry you're in such a tricky situation and feeling like this. Don't beat yourself up. Please seek help in RL from a pregnancy choices or BACP registered counsellor. Or your GP, PND might still be affecting some of your thoughts, eg you are being really self critical.

You have a lot going on, and time to think.

Your RL close friends might also understand your feelings and want to help.

On a minor thing, DD is very small: not at all unusual to not want to leave her just yet!

Your gp may be able to help you, you don't seem able to think clearly at the moment and with some help you may be able to. You say that you do want another baby though. Your first is so young and you are still very much early days there and I think another pregnancy would be daunting for anyone in that position. Do you think it's that, maybe coupled with some depression? I had pnd and didn't recognise it for a year

Hello, thank you for your responses both are very constructive I know I need to see someone I moved recently and was supposed to register with a doctor but I have put it off because I feel ashamed to talk about it out loud.

I have read that a woman who already has children is more likely to have an abortion for reasons then a teenager. The statistic made me feel slightly better.

The fact is being a mum to a baby so young is tough.. my partner works full time so he doesn't see the daily struggles even going to the shop for a pint of milk can be hard work. As I say I do want other children but perhaps if I had been caught next year I would of felt differently.I have also worried over the health risks to both me and my unborn child for carrying another baby so soon.

Dozer she is the only person I dont like leaving my daughter with. as awful as it sounds I would rather miss out on whatever it is then let her babysit I dont even like it if she buys her presents its so weird. I broke down sometime ago about how I felt towards her I felt guilty but my guilt has not been enough to get me to change my behaviour. x

It might help to talk to someone in real life. Don't be ashamed, you're not the only person who has felt like this. Give the gp a call tomorrow and try to get an appointment

See a gp asap and don't feel ashamed about any of this. For what it's worth, I have a friend whose 2 children are less than a year apart and she did struggle in the early days with having two such young ones. Now they are 2 and almost 3 and she says that it is so much easier now. I know she's not you but it can be done if you want the baby.

I do want the baby I almost wish I could corner it off and start the pregnancy again in another 6 months but it does not work like that sadly. I know I really have a tough choice to make and whatever I decide I will have to live with it for the rest of my life.

fuzzypeggy how long was it until your friend starting being able to manage both children? I have always been very independent and love being out and about with my daughter we very rarely sit at home on our own but this is not new I have always been very social I am scared that a second child will isolate me and the loneliness will creep in. I will definitely book a doctors appointment but just the responses and talking to people on here has just helped me lift this huge huge weight off my shoulders. I am good at putting on a show for everyone so today I was surrounded by people but I felt lonely for the first time in along time nobody guessed anything was wrong thats pretty sad.Thanks to all you that have commented so far x

Talk to your GP about this before you talk to anyone else, you need impartial advice and to talk it thru with someone unbiased. Dont feel guilty if you do have an abortion, you have to think of the child you already have, if you really dont feel that you are ready for another one right now then having an abortion would be the sensible thing to do. Id take some time to decide and talk it through though.

My friend struggled with all the stuff that you do with 2 young babies, sleepless nights, feeding, getting them in the car etc etc etc. Almost like twins in a way. I think for her it was about finding her stride with it all. She was more confident with the second newborn as she had done the newborn stuff before. Once she found her routines she was fine and was pretty formidable! The pregnancy was also tricky as she was tired and had the first baby to look after. But now she says (stopping at 2 kids) that she is glad she got all the baby stuff out the way early on and now has two little ones who play together well and she enjoys the small age gap.

I think this is your PND. Please don't do anything irreversible until you've seriously spoken to someone professional - and your DH.

I will say that I worried when I had my second (also close) that I wouldn't love it like my first. But you never love your first any less either; you just get more love to give. It's amazing.

wow, so many good points of view and I am feeling alot better. my parents had me and my brother with a 10 month age gap my brother was extremely prem but they coped and people do have twins I know a woman with triplets and its amazing to see how close siblings can be.

one thing I would hate is to have left the baby stage behind and then go back to it all again. Financially it does make sense as well. Maybe it is my PND and i'm just having a wobble? I could feel differently very soon and I would rather regret the chance I took rather then the one I didn't. its hard to imagine my little girl running around and talking but I guess she will also be on her way to doing those things so its not like I will have two completely defenceless little babies who need me to constantly hold them and carry them.

That's true. The baby stage doesn't last for long although I appreciate that at the time it feels like forever! It felt like forever for me with my first when I had pnd and I hated it but with my second I loved every part of it and never wanted it to end. 3 year age gap though. What is interesting though is that once a stage has passed, you don't think
About it anymore. I don't dwell on how I hated my first baby's early months because it's over now and long gone. It's all been worth it. I am guessing that it might be the same for you if you have this baby so I would encourage you that you can do it if you want to. However it is none of my business and only you know what's right for you.

There's 20 months between my first two and they are the best of friends. It's so lovely to see and makes it all so worth it.
It's also much easier once you get past the baby stage as they entertain and look after each other. For instance, I'm currently potty training child 2, and breastfeeding child 3. If child 2 needs a wee, child 1(4) takes her to the potty and helps with her pants.
And we thought, like you, that it's much better to get the baby stage over with in bulk!

I really do think this is a bit of PND/hormones. Talk to your lovely DH about how you're feeling

WellErrr you are very brave haha! THank you for your kind words and fuzzypeggy I know what you mean but I did ask so I have to take peoples opinions whatever they might be I wanted to hear what peoples thoughts were without consulting close friends and family and I appreciate all thats been said I do think everyone has had good advice definitely would benefit seeing the doc and maybe speaking to my other half hes day off tomorrow so maybe we could go somewhere nice and just have a chat he may even have his own concerns x

Oh and on a slightly different note op, one of my parents died before I had my kids and I hated to see my in laws with the baby. Partly pnd and partly complete jealousy that my missing parent could not have that relationship with my baby. It's normal to feel that way I think

I do want the baby

If you want the baby and so does your partner, have the baby. It may seem overwhelming but you will cope. I promise you will find a way. Get help for the pnd and you can keep it under control. I saw a councellor when pregnant and it really helped me have much less of a battle than I expected after the birth.

I know a young mum who had surprise twins. She very bravely spoke out about how scared she was and how they were a total shock and surprise and people were very supportive. They are a few months old now and her and her husband are doing amazingly with them. You don't need to tell the world just a couple of good friends.

Re your mother in law this is my suspicion. She is babys grandma. That is really, really hard for you because your mum should be grandma but she can't be. I suspect you are struggling to deal with your grief at your mum not being here. Having a baby really brings home the loss of a parent in a way nothing else does. I also think a parents death is something you never really get over. I still regularly cry for the loss of my mum and it's almost 4 years ago now.

I have a son who is 6. My MIL always wanted a grandson. She died having only seen 4 granddaughters. When I had him myself and DH cried buckets for that lost chance. I also found it hard to see my mum with him knowing that he was missing a grandma. MIL wasn't even my mum but my grief was such that it was (and still is) so hard to think about it. Now my own mum is gone as well I still cry for all the little things I wish they both could be part of.

Grief is shattering and having a baby will have a big effect on that. I didn't expect the effect it had on me. I think you need to allow yourself to feel sad and jealous and upset about your MIL. It's not a bad jealousy it's a grief driven one because you struggle to see her doing "your mums job" The good news is that this can be mended. See if you can get some support and hopefully you can repair those fences.

You mention that your MIL is a fantastic woman. Let her be a fantastic grandma. Let her love your baby enough for 2 grandmas. A grandma is an amazing thing to have. It's sad enough that your baby is missing one, don't let her miss out on another one. It will be really hard but you can do it. I promise it does get easier. Try to think of it as her being grandma for both of them. That helped me some.

If you want to talk in private please feel free to pm me.

I was v surprised to find myself not wanting a baby that we had planned for. As soon as I saw the positive test I just wished it wasn't happening. I knew it was as a result of previous trauma though & after a couple of months I got v attached to him in there & now I have no doubts at all.

I think maybe it was a certain amount of fight or flight, & you can't underestimate the impact of hormones, especially when you're going through PND.

I hope you figure it out soon, & agree with others that seeing a doctor / therapist will really help.

I didn't want to continue a pregnancy that I had planned and longed for. There is a thing called pregnancy depression. My first thought on realising I was pregnant with my much longed for DS2 was "oh no!" Later in the pregnancy that went away, though I was sick as a dog all through. Once he arrived it was fine, and I didn't get PND, just PreND!

Hang in there op, you'll feel better.