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Pregnancy choices

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

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Original poster

Can I feel upset that I had an abortion?

21 replies

IveBecomeSoNumb · 05/08/2016 18:27

I had the first part of my termination yesterday. I was 23+5 the baby had severe heart defects and was unlikely to survive after its first operation let alone live past 5. I feel so numb and lost that my baby has died. But I can't help feel like it's my fault. I knew he wouldn't of had a good quality of life, but I hate what I've done and I'm plagued with guilt that I killed my child. I am not allowing myself to grieve for my loss because I don't feel I'm entitled to. As it was my choice. I don't quite know what to do right now and sorry for rambling on.

OP posts:

KP86 · 05/08/2016 18:29

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You made the best decision for your child (not for yourself), in fact it was pretty selfless to put them before your grief in this situation.

You are more than allowed to grieve. This is a loss, like any other.

Again, I'm sorry. I hope you've got support at this awful time.

KittyandTeal · 05/08/2016 18:36

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I have had a termination for medical reasons. I usually distinguish between a tfmr and an abortion/termination of an unwanted pregnancy (I am very pro choice btw) because although you have 'chosen' in the loosest possible way to end your babies life, and suffering, it is still baby loss and the grief that comes with it.

I also felt guilt. Our dd2 had edwards which is lethal so it's not much of a choice but I still felt guilt. It's normal, absolutely unnecessary, but normal.

It is by far the worst situation I have ever been in (I have also recently lost ds st 14 weeks 'naturally') Give yourself time and allow whatever it is that you are feeling. Also, please feel that you can post in miscarriage and pregnancy loss, there is much more traffic from posters with similar stories to ours.

Have you been in touch with arc or sands? Both are brilliant charities dealing with baby loss.

ITCouldBeWorse · 05/08/2016 18:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

IveBecomeSoNumb · 05/08/2016 18:37

Thank you KP86, I'm really struggling at the moment and I don't really have anyone I can turn to as all my family are grieving too and I don't want to burden them with how I am feeling.

OP posts:

wobblywonderwoman · 05/08/2016 18:40

Sorry for your loss. I think you did the best for your baby and sorry you had to go through this pain.

Original poster

IveBecomeSoNumb · 05/08/2016 18:40

Thank you KittyandTeal, I didn't think I could post in miscarriage and pregnancy loss. I'm so so sorry about you DD2 and DS. Sending you

Thank you ItCouldBeWorse

OP posts:

Original poster

IveBecomeSoNumb · 05/08/2016 18:42

Thank you wobblywonderwoman

OP posts:

VashtaNerada · 05/08/2016 18:43

I don't have any experience of this but I'm sure that guilt is a normal (but unjustified!) emotion in that situation. In fact, everyone feels guilty after a bereavement regardless of the circumstances ("I should have been a better daughter" or whatever). Try to be easy on yourself, you've suffered a terrible loss and it WAS NOT your fault

KittyandTeal · 05/08/2016 18:45

I got that feeling and I just wanted to say of course you can. Tfmrs are traumatic and awful, you have lost a much wanted baby. 💐

sparechange · 05/08/2016 18:50

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've been through a very similar situation, and yes of course it is normal to feel guilty about the termination. I also felt guilty that my body 'let down' the baby by allowing the defects to develop, even though it is totally irrationally, and medically impossible.

Take the coming days, weeks and months slowly. Don't feel you have to push yourself into doing anything, or seeing anyone if you don't feel 100% up to it.

And please lean on whoever you need to get you through this. ARC were amazing, as were the boards here. Kitty deserves a medal for the support she gives to other posters here dealing with loss, and many others will do all they can to listen and support (me included, please PM me if you ever want to)

Lots of un-MN hugs xx

bluebelle2662 · 06/08/2016 18:29

I'm sorry for your loss.

I had TFMR in April at a similar gestation. It is devastating and I am heartbroken. If you want to PM me for a chat, feel free. Or join the ARC forum.

Guilt is normal. I feel it too. But you did the right thing, I promise you, you did the right thing

Original poster

IveBecomeSoNumb · 07/08/2016 08:52

Thank you. He was born last night at 11:45. I'm absolutely heart broken I couldn't take him home.

OP posts:

UnfitMotherr · 07/08/2016 08:57

I'm so sorry for your loss 💐 please don't feel guilty. You have done nothing wrong and shouldn't have to battle those ones alongside your grief.

Did you get the chance to spend time with your baby? xxx

Chrisinthemorning · 07/08/2016 09:03

I'm so sorry for your loss
Speak to ARC, join the ARC forum, keep talking here. It does get easier eventually, I promise.
It isn't a termination in these circumstances- to me it was absolutely a pregnancy loss/ miscarriage. There was no choice in it for us.

Ditsy4 · 07/08/2016 09:05

You need to have some counselling to come to terms with this sad event. Believe it or not the group LIFE have very experienced counsellors for post abortion regardless of the circumstances. It has a website and is a national organisation.
So sorry for you but do think about getting support.

Original poster

IveBecomeSoNumb · 07/08/2016 09:25

Thank you all. I'm not quite ready to talk about it to a professional yet I'm not managing to show how I truly feel to others in real life other than DP.

UnfitMotherr I spent a good 5/6 hours just holding him, dressing him and telling him how much we love him. But handing him back has to be one of the worst things I've ever had to do. We're sorting out a place of rest for him tomorrow and hopefully have a little ceremony with family to give him a proper send off.

OP posts:

ITCouldBeWorse · 07/08/2016 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KittyandTeal · 07/08/2016 16:16

I still say that giving dd2 back to the mw and walking out of the hospital without her is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, harder than the decision to have a termination. I remember the physical pain pulling me back into the hospital and sitting in the car, holding her memory box with my dh sobbing telling him we couldn't leave yet.

Utterly horrific

bluebelle2662 · 07/08/2016 20:40

I gave my DS back quite quickly... I didn't want him to lose his colour... I wanted him to look like he was sleeping in my memory. And he does.

Leaving the hospital though, was agony. My tiny, beautiful boy.

I'm 4 months down the line and still not back at work. I can't face it. Please take some time off and look after yourself. Be kind to yourself.

Original poster

IveBecomeSoNumb · 07/08/2016 21:59

I just couldn't hand him back BlueBelle. I just can't believe he's gone.

OP posts:

bluebelle2662 · 08/08/2016 16:49

I know my lovely, it's horrible. It is the worst thing I have ever had to do.

I've just passed my due date and it is hard. I am struggling with anxiety.

I have been in touch with a local charity who have been amazing, even if you're not local to them they will support you. I don't know how to do links, but they're called Charlie's Angel Centre. ARC are good also, join the forums. I'm on there too.

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