42, pregnant, scared to talk to dp. Help!

[catch42]

I found out a few days ago that I am pregnant, about 4 weeks. I'm 42 and already have a ds who is nearly 13, from a previous marriage. I thought my baby-having days were over - in fact I have a gynaecologist appointment in two months for a consultation about sterilisation!

I am terrified about what dp will say. We have been together for a few years and I have always been firm about 'no babies'. When we first got together he was quite keen but over the years he has said 'no way, never'. We had plans for the next few years once ds leaves school. I think he will be furious. I know I have to talk to him but I just don't know how to start the conversation.

We're both in decent jobs but I'm the higher earner by quite a long way. We don't own our home and would have to move into bigger rented accommodation which we couldn't afford - prices are mental around here. My parents are too old to do childcare and his live in the other side of the country. My career is just starting to get interesting and the thought of it all grinding to a halt...and the sleepless nights...I'm too old for this!!

Part of me wants to just slip off to the clinic and get it done without him knowing. That was my plan when I first found out but I know it's not really the right thing to do. But how do I even have this conversation with him? And I thought I was so sure but now I'm wavering - would a new baby be so bad?

I'm so confused. It would be easier just to get it sorted and forget about it. I'm so worried about what he's going to say. I'm worried about how we would cope with a baby. And then I'm worried that he'll resent me if I do go for termination. It's a mess. Any advice?

what do you want to do never mind your partner for a moment .you either become and mum again yes you are a bit older but your son is not a baby so it would be easier .or you have a termination but you may have a life time of regrets only you can decide .i am all for pro choice

and your house may not be big but you can all squeeze in i bet with a bit juggling ..

Well, I feel for you, such a difficult situation. I think you need to think about what you want. But keeping him in the dark is not an option. He might take you by surprise. Even if he doesn't want to go ahead he might be really supportive. You can't go through what ever you decide without him knowing.

A friend of mine had surprise twins at 41. She had 2 other children from a prev marriage. Their house was small but they repurposed the other rooms (lounge into bedroom, made a kitchen living area because they lived in the kitchen anyways). The family say now it's the best thing they ever did, but it has been a struggle at times.

Only you guys know if it's the right thing for you both. I think just be straight with him. Tell him you have some news, it was a big shock and you are confused. He wanted kids before, he might still and be saying otherwise to keep you happy. But if you are sure you don't want to proceed tell him you feel it isn't the right thing for you and your circumstances and have made your mind up. He had to respect your decision, it's your body and your life too x

Thanks for your replies. Have just had a phone call with Marie Stopes that I'd booked on Weds when I found out and was panicking about getting a termination ASAP. Ended up sobbing down the phone (first time I have cried) and rebooking the call for Monday after I have had a chance to speak to dp.

It's so odd - for the last 10 years I have been absolutely set on ds being the only one. I considered ending my relationship with dp in the early days because I didn't think it was fair to him if he wanted kids and I didn't. But he wanted to stay and said he was ok without having a baby as long as we're together. And now I'm pg and wondering how the hell I can have all these conflicting feelings in a the space of a couple of days!

The reasons for not having it are all practice and sensible, the reasons for having it are all emotional and instinctive. Which is right??!

The house thing really worries me though. I could manage with a baby in with us for the first couple of years but then what? Can't ask teenage ds to share with a toddler... We can't manage on just dp's salary, I'd have to go back to work ASAP, then that's childcare worries and expense...aaaargh.

How can I be pregnant with a letter from the hospital about my sterilisation appt sitting on the dining room table?! This is madness. My head is all over the place and I have no idea what I want. I just thought I was shrivelled up and infertile...apparently not!

Dp is supposed to be going to a work-related thing tomorrow - should I tell him he can't and we need to talk? Ds is out most of the weekend with friends so if I don't do it this weekend it's just going to drag on and on.

Thanks so much for listening to my brain-dump!

OP, sounds like you are conflicted and totally understandably so. Your DP might just surprise you despite his position having so far been 'no babies'. Your own position is wavering from the hormones and reality that you are pg, so you need to work out what your new position is. Taking your DP out of the equation, think about what works best for you and for your family. Can you picture a new child in your life? Do you feel at all excited or is your gut reaction 100% or as close to 100% as it can be, to terminate? Ignoring for a moment the practical problems with having another child now, can you see it working?

So how did you partner take the news?

I think you need to talk to various people OP, because often it's the talking that helps to crystallise what you're really feeling and what you really want. You may go through various decisions along the way, but you must talk about it - keeping this bottled in won't help you at all, whichever way you go.

Your DP first of course, then Marie S, then a friend maybe? Talk about all the options. Make a decision and see how it fits with you after 24 hours. Then make the reverse decision and see how you feel then.

I'm worried that your biggest worry is about telling DP. You say you are TERRIFIED! He knows how babies are made and it "takes 2 to tango" so why should you be so terrified of him.

It think "emotional and instinctive" is the way to go.........the rest will follow. Sorry I don't mean to be harsh and of course you are in a highly emotionally charged state, what with pregnancy hormones, but you must do what you feel is right for you regardless of DP's opinion.

Dp and I talked. I talked it over with a mate and then went home and told him. It was fine. He was fine - shocked but kind, supportive.

He did say that he thought a baby wasn't a good idea, for all the reasons I thought too, but that if it was what I really wanted he would support me.

He wasn't furious at all, of course. He was great. I have a habit of underestimating his loveliness and kindness, probably because I had such an appalling experience when I told ds's dad (my then-husband) that I was pregnant with ds. He made my life a misery, demanded I terminate, told me I'd ruined his life, told me that all men hate it when their wives get pregnant, accused me of sleeping with other men etc. I suppose I just kind of assumed it would go the same way, but dp is not xh (thank fuck) and this has been a good lesson in needing to remember that! He is one of the good guys.

I have decided to go for a termination. I feel ok about it - not happy obviously because who is ever happy to need a termination? But ok about it, because it's the right choice. Dp is taking the day off work to drive me there and back as they've told me I can have both the tablets in one day. Thanks for your kind words, it helped to get it out there!

I'm glad you have been so brave and made your mind up.
I hope you get sorted ok.

I'm glad too that you and DH have come to a decision that is right for you both. I understand now why you were afraid to tell him after that awful experience with your ex. Take good care of yourself.

I wondered why you were so worried about telling your DH, but your update makes it all clear. Congratulations on picking such a good bloke and best wishes for a speedy recovery.

I had the termination yesterday but I don't think it has worked. I feel so low.

After my last post I went to the clinic but at a scan they told me I was too early. So I rebooked but couldn't get time off work until yesterday, so had three weeks of waiting around feeling sicker and more knackered each day! Had the tablets yesterday morning, by mid-afternoon had some cramping and bleeding which was manageable with codeine. But I am positive I didn't pass the actual pregnancy and by 9pm last night when I went to bed it had all stopped, no bleeding, no pain.

Nothing at all today except a bit of 'old' blood like the last day of a period.

I have rung the clinic helpline and they've told me if I've not obviously passed the pregnancy in the next two weeks to call them back. I feel miserable, still pregnant, sick, exhausted, feel like crying all the time. I can't do another two weeks of this

I can't really find anything online that suggests it is normal to take that length of time. Every story I've read says the pregnancy passes within a few hours/a day. I feel stupid and naive and terrified of having to have a medical abortion after all this.