think i need help post abortion

[troubled0101]

last august i found out i was pregnant after leaving my EA husband. I made the decision immediately to terminate. I expected to be only a few weeks, but turned out I was 21 weeks. I was shocked as I had been told I was infertile and had not been using contraception for a few years, and upset but went through with it. Only two of my closest friends know, I didn't tell my family or my ex.

A week ago would have been my due date. I am struggling.
I have nightmares and feel that I am being punished for doing something so awful.

I dont know what to do now. It might have been my only chance to have a child. I am such a terrible person. I feel like a murderer.

You are not being punished, you made what you thought was the best decision for you at the time. That doesn't make you a terrible person and you definitely aren't a murderer.

Did you have the termination through BPAS/Marie Stopes or was it in an NHS hospital? I know that BPAS and Marie Stopes will offer you post-termination counselling if you need it but I'm not sure what's available on the NHS. If you can't access the counselling offered by either of those then would you be able to fund counselling yourself? I think it could help you a lot.

Whether you'll ever be pregnant again, nobody can know but the fact that you've been pregnant once obviously shows that pregnancy isn't an impossibility for you.

Please, please be kind to yourself. You aren't a terrible person at all and you can feel better about it all

Agree with above could you get some counselling from your GP service? Please don't feel guilty as you've done nothing wrong. Plenty of people (myself included) have a termination and go on to conceive again.

I think the due date will always stick in your mind but give it a few years and it won't be nearly as painful as it is now. Time is a great healer. You're not a murderer or a terrible person, you just did what you thought was best at the time

Heya troubled.

So sorry to hear your going through this but please don't try to go through it all on your own.

Going through a termination that far on is so so hard. I did after being pressured into it by my ex 6 years ago and I still remember all the nightmares and pure devastation I felt afterwards.

Every year when it comes to the due date I light a candle and leave it burning all day to remember the little boy I never got a chance to meet.

I know it's not much help and it's hard to do but don't be afraid to talk to people. I'd say the only time I ever felt like I was even slightly okay was when the people I loved were there with me even if I was just crying and not speaking.

You don't need to tell everyone but even just one person who can be there for you and support you will help.

Xx