struggling with pg 3 (long)

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I didn't know whether to post here or in pregnancy but here seems more appropriate.

I am 35 and always wanted lots of children (at least 4). I want to be finished with having babies by the time I'm 40, preferably before. We found out a few weeks ago we are expecting dc3. I should be delighted as it fits with the plan but I'm struggling with it.

Dc2 is only 8 months old and is a very high needs baby. He has drained me physically and emotionally. Anything I have left I pour into dc1, 4, who is the most wonderful little girl. I have little to give dp and nothing for myself.

Dp and I discussed whether or not to have another baby yet and we decided no for a number of reasons;

1. dc2 is difficult and I need a break!
2. he is still bf and refuses to give it up
3. I get severe spd from 16 weeks
4. I haven't yet gone back to work after mat leave and they aren't going to be happy about me going off again
5. I had some nice things planned for myself to give me a break e.g. Spa weekend, new tattoo, mini-break for us all
6. I tear fairly badly giving birth and recovery takes a while
7. I'm worried about coping with 2 under 2

A week after this conversation we have a positive test. We have a whole list of reasons why it's a good thing but I can't see those at the moment. I'm sitting here with dc2 latched on and asleep, feeling nauseated but I can't move because he'll wake up and be more miserable than usual. I'm exhausted and my back aches from carrying him or sitting on the floor with him all day.

Dp is wonderful. He comes home from work, takes charge of the dcs, cooks dinner, does the dishwashing etc and sends me to bed early. He says he'll do anything to make things easier for me and he will. But he's not the one who has to go through it all is he.

I don't even know why I'm posting. I just need to vent I guess. I'm not ready for this now that it's actually happening. I also suffer from anxiety so it's one more thing on the list to worry about.

Anyone?

Nothing wrong with venting! A similar thing happened to me (discussion about how DC3 would not be feasible right now, followed by a positive test) and it did take a while to adjust.

Sorry you're finding it so hard though . Feeling unhappy about a pregnancy is utterly miserable but can do a u-turn once you get over the shock so don't rush into anthing. All of your fears do sound like resonable things to be concerned about, but not totally insurmountable either (and presumably some, like spd, will be issues whenever you decide to try for dc3). Could you sit down with your partner, go through your list and talk about how you could potentially manage/minimise each problem, then see if it feels more workable? Things like early physio, when/how to wean DS, post-birth practical support for you etc. And maybe plan that mini-break for very soon so that you have something to look forward to!

Also, would your DD have started school by the time DC3 would arrive? I'm hanging on for that day!

Thank you for replying.

We did talk about it last night. Like you, he agrees they are worries but not insurmountable but they feel that way to me at the moment.

Dd will be starting school around the time when baby is due so that's another thing I'm worrying about!

We had 3 under 4 and our DC2 has lots of disabilities. They are now 8,6&5 and it's easy... We had about 8 moths of hell... Well behind us now !

Just a short period of your life!

Thank you. How do you manage it though? How do you give the older 2 attention?

I'm still really struggling with this. Who can I talk to?

Maybe look at the question the other way round. If you make a decision not to continue this pregnancy and then for whatever reason do not fall pregnant again, how would you feel? I had 3 DC in 3.5 years so had a year of all 3 being pre-school. It was a really tough year but having survived the year I found life got easier and easier in comparison to that first year.I think we spend too much time worrying about giving individual attention to our children.You are a family unit.If you have a delightful 4 year old she will be excited about a new baby and you can give her time and attention by involving her.(and your DC2) They can help you with the baby by getting things you need, playing with baby, helping you chose outfits etc etc. I honestly never worried about how much attention each of my kids were getting and they all seem fine now aged 12,11 and 9.

Hi op

I have three DC and am expecting number four

My eldest two were two under two. I found this pretty easy TBH! They had similar needs and routines and they've grown up really close.

When DC 3 was born the older two were 5 and almost 4

I found they liked helping out with baby , but I was also lucky they had each other to play with

Only you can decide what is right for you

You may be able to access some counselling through your gp?

Hi, I get you, I also have a very challenging 8mo. DC1 is 2.6. These last few months have been very hard but I've got through them because of a. Very supportive dh (and other family tbh) and b. Because I've had to.
We had two under two, found out we were pregnant just as DC1 turned 1.
I freaked out and was completely not ready. However by the time DC2 came along was ready for him and DC1 was SO much easier than when I had got pg.
Obviously having three is more intense than two, what I'm saying is sounds very reasonable to be terrified right now, doesn't mean you won't be ready by the time DC3 arrives.
However it does seem like you need to discuss between you whether or not to continue with the pregnancy. Also I'm sure your gp could help in terms of finding someone to talk to.

Thank you for your replies.

I'm terrified of telling work I'm going to be off again. I don't know how to cope with that. I feel like a stupid, horrible person who is letting people down.

I'm very torn because of finances too. At the moment we are comfortable and can afford to treat the children to days out, camping holidays etc. That will all change with a third unless I stay in the job I am in which I hadn't planned to do. It will be so difficult to be a good mother to 3 kids and fit in all the planning and marking.

I feel like this is all happening around me and I'm lost in the middle. Our families pay lip service to being supportive but the reality is dc2 has only been babysat 4 times in 9months and even then only for a max for 4 hours.

Dp would be devastated by a termination. I don't know how I would deal with it. I had an mmc 5 years ago which broke my heart but yet I'm considering not continuing with this one which feels very strange. I'm very disconnected from it.

I think you need to be very honest with your dp about how you're feeling, as you know however supportive he is it'll be you, initially, that is dealing with the majority of it.

Don't worry about telling work though, I had to tell mine almost as soon as I got back and they were much more ok about it than I thought they would be.