Think I'm pregnant and can't see a way out

[TornNotTorn]

You'll have to forgive the giant ramble as none of what I'm about to write has really sunk in. Please also forgive the name change.
My period was due today, but I know in times of stress my cycle can be massively thrown out. I also know when I'm pregnant my usually very low blood pressure goes through the floor and I feel very faint a lot, which is exactly how I've felt today. Thinking, sod it, I did a pg test this morning as I have a stack of cheapies in the bathroom from when I had a mc 2 years ago, a bit dusty but all still in date. I got what I think is a very faint positive. I've done about 4 more today, 2 negative, 2 more v v v faint, squint and you'll believe they're not there positives. I'm desperately hoping my period will just come in the morning as I do feel very crampy, but again know this to be a sign. I'm also in bed at half 8 so you could say I'm a little fatigued

First off, I hold up my hands and say this is my fault. I had my coil removed a year ago (was put in after surgical management of my mc as that pregnancy was unplanned too) as it was making me very ill, and when they came to remove it it wasn't in properly anyway. I've been taking the pill but stopped about 4 months ago as I've been very depressed and I felt like it was making me worse. Dh has been very patient with me as tbh I barely feel like dtd at all, and in truth, as bizarre as it sounds , I've not even thought about the risks of not taking my pill. To explain a little more, I have 3 do from a previous relationship, the middle of whom has significant SENs, and the new school year has been a real battle to get him the right support and diagnoses and it's really taken its toll on me. It's pretty much all I think of, and the futility of getting any help, for him or us as a family, has petty much become overwhelming and I've not been taking care of myself I suppose.
I am absolutely petrified that this could really be happening. I'm already so aware of the extra challenges that ds has bought to our family, and to me and Dhs relationship, that I almost don't want to tell him.

I'm totally fantasising in my head about calling the Dr tomorrow and getting this quietly dealt with. But then I feel a terrible person for thinking that way. We're trying to save up for a deposit on a house, and I already feel something of a burden as due to youngest dc not being at school til September, and needing to be on hand for when ds school need me immediately there, I don't have a job. I was a single parent for a long time before meeting dh, and I suppose I have a real hang up about being a burden although I know dh doesn't see it that way.

The awful thing is, we're relatively newlywed and people have been asking if we'll have a baby and my reaction has always been one of mock horror at the very suggestion. I feel with littlest starting school I have a chance of getting some of my life back, though the scary thing is I don't really know what to do with myself. So much of my time and energy, identity even, is about that I do for other people.

I don't even know what I want people to say. We can't afford a bigger house as were already renting, yes a baby is small but they'd need their own space eventually and we already have 3 dc in a three bed. No one knows what's caused dss additional needs so I'm also panicking about various Christmas booze and a frankly ridiculous codine consumption after having a tooth extracted three weeks ago. I just want this not to be true. I can't handle one more bloody thing weighing down on me :(

If you don't want it you don't have to have it. That's the first thing. Ultimately it's your choice and it's okay if you decide not to have it. It doesn't make you a bad person or a failure. Three children is a lot even without an SEN child in the mix, but you don't have to justify it.

The booze and codeine will be fine though, just as an aside.

What does DH say?

Fell, I've not said anything to him. I'm still hoping it's a dodgy batch of tests or my eyes are seeing things that aren't there, which I know is very silly. That's good about the codeine I guess, but I had a dry socket and feel like I was out of my skull for most of early January, I really did take a lot. It was the most extraordinary agony.

There's a lot going on for you, isn't there?

First things first, take another test in the morning (when your urine will be more concentrated) and if you are pregnant the result should be clearer than the tests you've taken today.

Secondly, you do have time to make a decision. You don't have to panic or rush it. My advice would be to tell your DH and talk it through with him.

Are you getting support for your depression? Have you been to see your GP? Got any counselling? If not please make that a priority. You absolutely must look after yourself. Depression makes decision-making harder than usual so you do need to make sure you have plenty of support. You can also get specialist counselling to help you decide whether to keep the baby or not - see if there is a BPAS or Marie Stopes clinic near you. They have counsellors who are impartial and won't push you either way.

Another, thank you. Yes I've been to the doctor. I've had problems with depression and anxiety for many years, I've been ok for the last four or five but since late summer theyve reared their ugly head again. The problem is, I know what tablets work for me, but I've moved area since I last had them and my dr seems reluctant to prescribe them, they're quite old fashioned as anti Anxiety mess go, and quite hardcore too. They helped me massively in the past though, especially with sleep which is another issue as I can just never turn off. He prescribed me beta blockers which actually just made me freakishly aware of my heartbeat and a bit panicky. He did give me the number to self refer for psychotherapy, but again, I've had CBT in the past which helped hugely and I try and put that knowledge to use. My circumstances aren't going to change at the minute because I go and chat to someone. The really shitty thing is, my sons been waiting over a year to see a psychologist, he really really needs it but the Camh in this area have shut their waiting lists. The Dr said because they've cut out all red tape with the mental health adult services, I could be seen in as little as a week. It just struck me as a massive injustice, and I didn't want to take an appointment from someone who really needed it.

I've done another test and pretty sure it's a + :( I've called the hospital and left a message, am hoping they call soon, the answer phone message did say they call back within the day. It's just going to be a logistical nightmare, I don't drive, have to do the school run and the hospital is two buses and a train ride away. Is it likely that they'll start the process at the first appointment? And then I have to go back for the second dose? I didn't sleep a wink last night and feel a bit odd-disconnected I think. I'm not sure it's really sunk in.

The advice I gave before still stands. Try not to panic. Tell your DH and talk it through with him. Look up BPAS and Marie Stopes to see if they have a clinic near you - there might be one which is easier to get to than the hospital. You could also see your GP and ask about the options.

As for a psychology referral. I can understand the frustration about support for your son, but it really is a separate issue. Whether you get support for yourself or not is not going to have any effect on his support. In fact you will be in a better position to support him if you're getting the support you need.

You also need to get a second opinion about the meds you're taking, preferably from a psychiatrist/psychologist but if not then from another GP.

Thank you another. I know you're right about getting help. I went to buy a ridiculously expensive clearblue digital and after waiting an infuratingly long few minutes it's come up as positive. The hospital called back and I spoke to such a lovely nurse, so lovely that she made me cry. She told me they'll look after me. I have to wait another two weeks so they'll be able to see something on a scan which I suppose I understand, and if I can stay til the afternoon they can start the procedure then. I'm dreading telling dh. And I think it's because I'm worried he'll want to keep it. I'd love to be able to give him his own child, he really does treat mine as his own but I know, from everyone who knows him, that he's longed for children for a long time. I'm worried his heart will overtake his head. I'm much more certain about my decision this afternoon so I'm going to struggle to debate this with him if that's what he wants to do.

I know I'm banging on about it, but get yourself independent counselling. Do it BEFORE your scan in two weeks time. Obviously DH will have his own feelings so he won't be able to give you impartial support. That's why a counsellor will be so invaluable.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. But it will be okay. Tell your DH so you have some support. I know what you're saying but I'm sure that his love for you trumps any feelings about a potential baby. I know my husbands would. Thinking of you.

It hope someone can help, I don't feel right posting on the miscarriage board. In think I'm actually msicarrying, I'm 5 weeks and still waiting for my appointment next week. I started bleeding a bit last night, I've been feeling crappy for a few days, back ache and a few cramps, and I still feel a bit cranky and I have blood when I wipe. The blood last night was bright red but it's now a smear of darker brown when I wipe (sorry). I don't know how to feel tbh, I feel a bit relieved, then sad, then guilty. I desperately don't want to take an appointment next week if I actually don't need it, but how will I know if it is a miscarriage? Will I need to go and have a scan anyway?

You will need a scan anyway. I bled on and off for the first 5 months with cramps, feeling sick, back pain. I too just kept hoping it would resolve itself and I wouldn't have to make such a hard decision. That didn't happen. I'm sorry you're having to go through all of this :( I hope it gets better soon hugs