One sick twin one healthy twin. Selective termination

[Chattycat78]

Hi guys, complacated problem undoetunately. Am 13 weeks with non identical twins. The 12 week scan on Wednesday showed severe issues with twin 2. The lower body has not developed properly. It is missing limbs, as well as probably bladder, kidneys etc. If it were to survive it would be severely disabled with limited wuslity if life. The consultant thinks it has issues which are likely not survivable, but we would not know this for sure until later on. Twin 1 is healthy. The hospital have offered selective termination of the sick twin. Sadly there is a 5 percent rusk of losing the healthy twin.

However, if we do not act now, sick twin could die, taking healthy twin with it, or it could survive longer, maybe even be born, but possibly die very quickly after birth, or if not, survive for a time, but gave a very u pleasant short life. This would also mean compromising the quality of life of our cureent small child (who is 1) as well as the healthy twin, as the sick one would need so much care.

I feel like I'm damned whatever I do. I ve also nrver agreed with abortion (personal choice- not judging anyone else) and I'm mortified to be in this position.

I should also say that pregnancy has never come easy to me- so there are no guarantees that this would not be my last prwgnancy if we lost both Babies.

Any words of wisdom?

Please don't look at it as killing your child. Look at it as saving your other child

I think this sums it up for me.

You're making a difficult decision in an impossible situation. Would you be able to ask for a second medical opinion, if that would set your mind at ease?

As for certain people who appear to have an axe to grind regarding their take on the OP's opinions, maybe you should take your debate somewhere else, this really isn't the time or place.

OP

It does sound like terminating the ill twin gives the best chance of you bringing your other baby to term. Also that the chances of the ill twin surviving are small, and surviving with a good quality of life are nil.

All the best to you.

It's an awful awful situation to be in... I've never been in a similar situation but have looked after babies born with non-survivable or incredibly disabling and distressing conditions. I would think that terminating the unwell twin is the kindest thing to do for all of you as a family. It's the kindest thing to do for the poorly twin as he or she will not suffer any pain, distress or discomfort. It's the kindest thing to do for the healthy twin as it gives him or her the best possible chance of not only survival but also a healthy term pregnancy (as if you lost poorly twin after 24 weeks, healthy twin may then be born prematurely and suffer all the complications that involves.) It's the kindest thing for you and your partner as you won't suffer the pain of seeing your baby suffer for an undefined period before he or she dies and you'll know you've done everything you could to help the healthy twin. And it's the kindest thing for big sister, who's quality of life, time and attention from her parents may be affected due to the life and loss of her sibling.
good luck and best wishes to you all xx

But, Chipped this isn't a private conversation in your drawing room. It is of course an extremely personal issue for the OP - but she has chosen to write about it here - and thousands of other people will read this thread.

I don't feel that anyone should be prevented from questioning an assumption that termination is - to put it baldly - something that only happens to "other" people.

(I have to say, were I in the same situation I would find comments about "playing God" and "letting nature take its course" utterly, terrifyingly unhelpful.)

Pmd you x

So sorry you have to make this decision. I think Bessie put it really well when she said to think of it as saving one twin from suffering and saving the life of the other.

I'm the same OP in terms of having a personal choice not to terminate. But I agree with others, in this instance I think I would have to do everything I could to protect my baby who has a chance at life, I don't think I could risk waiting to see.
I hope it works out for you all

I'm not going to derail the thread any further Gruach. If you have issues you want to debate start your own thread.

I hope you find a resolution that brings you to a place of peace OP.

OP so sorry you are in this position.

Like many others I think I would opt to terminate sooner than later, but easy for me to type that.

Thinking of you all.

We've been through this, 6 years ago, although in our case it was a TRAP pregnancy, so the healthy twin was pumping blood etc for both babies. Had we not terminated then the healthy twin had less than 10% chance of survival.
I have no advice other than to say we count our blessings that one of our beautiful sons survived.

Might be worth getting in touch with sands

They helped a friend of mine who had to have a medical termination. She found them invaluable.

FWIW, I think that sometimes the hardest decisions can be the most loving. Your unwell baby will be a valuable part of your family, even if he is not with you.

I am so sorry you are in this position.

Op I know the thread has derailed slightly. (And for what it's worth I don't think Côte intended to be hurtful and I think everyone should stop now). If you are still reading I wanted to reply to where you said:

I'm pretty sure we are going to go ahead with the termination BUT I need to be absolutely sure that I can live with myself afterwards.

Given all the information you have I think termination is the right choice. I have thought you a lot this morning and I truly am sad you are in this position but in a way I think it is a good thing you have been able to discover this now and you have the chance to do the best for both your babies. I have a dd and if I knew she would have to suffer like your sick twin would, and I knew I could prevent that suffering by terminating, then I would do that. The benefit to the healthy twin is obvious but I think it is best for the unhealthy one too, and for you all as a family. I think that decision is the one I would be able to live with more. I think it was Bessie who said earlier on that if you do terminate, make sure you take time to grieve for your lost baby, I think that is important too.

Sorry I am clumsy with words and have ASD so I hope I have not said anything wrong but your story has really touched me. I am sorry to all the other posters who have been through similar. Life really can be cruel.

There are definitely some very unkind comments here to a struggling poster, and it is a real shame to see.

Anyway, I am someone else that has always said that I would never have a termination for fetal reasons, and really only in the case to save my life if it is was very much in danger. This was tested when we were told a few years ago that our baby had significant issues and was likely to die at or before (which is what happened) term. I knew from the first moments that, although termination was offered, I was going to continue my pregnancy with her.

My heart is really sore for you, chatty, because in your situation, I really don't know what I would do quite genuinely and I don't think that is inconsistent. I can't imagine coming to a 'rational' solution, and only coming to a 'least worst' one.

I imagine your thoughts are swirling and churning around and I do hope and pray that you can come to some sort of conclusion that you can be settled with.

Is there anyone at the hospital who is more outside of things that you might find it helpful to talk things through with? A second opinion from another fetal medicine consultant might be able to reassure you that the first was correct, for when you think about these things in the years to come.

In my own hospital, the fetal medicine midwives were very helpful, or another idea is one of the chaplains. They are there for all faiths and none and might be a sounding board for you both as you talk through things without having the emotional or professional ties of your family or medical team.

I've often seen ARC recommended, although I haven't used them myself, so I know that they can be helpful at offering a non-directive ear to parents. The office, I see from their website, is closed until the 4th of January, but if you call the helpline, there will be another number to call until it reopens.

www.arc-uk.org/news/200/29/ARC-office-closes-18th-December-4th-January/d,news-detail

Thanks everyone. For what it's worth though, I wasn't suggesting that people who have terminstions are bad people. That's exactly why I said that I didn't judge anyone else. Maybe it was a bit strong using the word "mortified" but I am very emotional and upset, and I would really prefer it if people didn't shred my choice of words (however bad) to pieces. I do appreciate however, that most of the replies I have replied are from genuine people who are not looking for an argument,

Chatty, I think we can all understand that with the emotional turmoil you are currently in choice of wards isn't at the forefront of you mind, nor should it be.

I really hope that talking it through, seeing the helpful replies and a bit of time will help you make the decision that is right for you.

Be kind to yourself.

Chatty - look after yourself and try not to blame yourself. You are in a horrible situation where there is no magic wand which will give you a truly desirable outcome, you just have to choose the least worst. And from the sound of it, that is exactly what you're doing - giving your healthy twin the best chance you can and saving your other twin from suffering. That's a brave choice and a good choice, and I think you will go on to make a fantastic mother.

I'm like you in not agreeing with abortion, OP. I'm saying that only to let you know that I'm coming from a similar place. But thinking about your situation, if it were me, I would choose to go ahead with the termination.

You have been advised that only one baby has a chance at life, but presently that chance is badly jeopardised by a child who will probably not have a life in any case. So really, you only have one baby who can stay with you, one baby who has a chance of having a life in this world, and that baby is in danger. In my opinion, you should feel able to make that baby safe. That's a mother's role. You will never forget the other little life, but it seems as if that baby was never meant to stay.

I think I would terminate as soon as possible and allow the healthy twin a better chance of survival. The risk of waiting and possible miscarriage would be a cause of concern.

However, this is an incredibly difficult situation to be in and don't heap guilt on yourself being in this position. My thoughts are with you, and please allow yourself time to grieve for the baby that should have been

I would have the termination. When you look at the facts it is the most sensible decision. Yes its hard. But that's what I would do. I wish you the best OP.

Chatty-hope the procedure went OK and wishing you all the best. Life can be so tough.

fwiw, I know someone who had this. The unhealthy twin died in utero at around 30 weeks but the pregnancy continued fine for the healthy twin, who is now 18yo iirc. Hope all is well, Chatty. xx

Hello Chattycat78, I just read your post because i am exactly in the same situation as yours in january.13 weeks, twin2 has heart abnormalities, bladder deffects + chromosomes abnormalities it is unlikely he would survive long after the birth if he were to make it till that point. Twin1 is healthy they will run a cvs test to be extra sure. I am so deeply sad and even if the rational answer would be to undergo selective termination, I have difficulties to make the decision, I am also scared of loosing both. Can I ask you what was the outcome of your pregnancy? I'm scheduled to have the procedure on tuesday and I'm terrified.
any word of wisdom?

@trist279

Hello Chattycat78, I just read your post because i am exactly in the same situation as yours in january.13 weeks, twin2 has heart abnormalities, bladder deffects + chromosomes abnormalities it is unlikely he would survive long after the birth if he were to make it till that point. Twin1 is healthy they will run a cvs test to be extra sure. I am so deeply sad and even if the rational answer would be to undergo selective termination, I have difficulties to make the decision, I am also scared of loosing both. Can I ask you what was the outcome of your pregnancy? I'm scheduled to have the procedure on tuesday and I'm terrified. any word of wisdom?

Hi trist,

Thanks for your post, we didn't want you waiting around for a response as this thread is a few month old now and may not be seen. You could PM posters from this thread or start you own over here

Much love to you
MNHQ

If the last poster happens to still be around - I sent you a private message.