One sick twin one healthy twin. Selective termination

[Chattycat78]

Hi guys, complacated problem undoetunately. Am 13 weeks with non identical twins. The 12 week scan on Wednesday showed severe issues with twin 2. The lower body has not developed properly. It is missing limbs, as well as probably bladder, kidneys etc. If it were to survive it would be severely disabled with limited wuslity if life. The consultant thinks it has issues which are likely not survivable, but we would not know this for sure until later on. Twin 1 is healthy. The hospital have offered selective termination of the sick twin. Sadly there is a 5 percent rusk of losing the healthy twin.

However, if we do not act now, sick twin could die, taking healthy twin with it, or it could survive longer, maybe even be born, but possibly die very quickly after birth, or if not, survive for a time, but gave a very u pleasant short life. This would also mean compromising the quality of life of our cureent small child (who is 1) as well as the healthy twin, as the sick one would need so much care.

I feel like I'm damned whatever I do. I ve also nrver agreed with abortion (personal choice- not judging anyone else) and I'm mortified to be in this position.

I should also say that pregnancy has never come easy to me- so there are no guarantees that this would not be my last prwgnancy if we lost both Babies.

Any words of wisdom?

Cote- I'm afraid I don't understand your comment. What error have I made? I don't thibk there was anything offensive in my post. Apologies if it looks like there was. I do not need nasty comments at this time. If you have nothing helpful to add, pleas say nothing.

How much increased risk would there be by waiting until 16 weeks to see if there was any clarification in how likely twin 2 is to survive until birth?

My (& it's only my) preferred option would be to give birth to both twins - even if one was to be severely disabled (I have 3 children, including one severely disabled so that's a decision based on experience). But I could live more easily with a short natural life than one terminated by me (you may feel differently - most do).

However, despite all that - if the risk of waiting until 16 weeks to find out dramatically increases the risk of the procedure and greatly increases your risk of losing twin 1 then I don't see you have any real choice but to selectively terminate.

I think you should choose what you can live with (it doesn't matter what any of us would do) and know that you made the best decision you could in an impossible situatuon. Of course the obvious, sensible thing to do is to go with the selective termination, but it's okay to not choose that if you feel strongly that you can't. Whatever you decide seek out as much support as you need.

In all honesty an early termination is possibly the kindest choice for you all. Good luck with whichever decision you make X

Cote there is a time and a place to have a dig at someone. This isn't it.

I had a termination for medical reasons, following miscarriages and knowing it was probably my last chance of a second child.

It was hard and I had many feelings you mentioned but it was the choice we had to make in a bad situation. Fwiw I think you're doing the right thing, you just have to go with what seems like the least bad decision. Don't think of of it as something you have to learn to live with but a course you had to take to give the best possible chance of a healthy outcome.

Be kind to yourself and take up all offers of support that are offered. You may be offered counselling and a service for the unhealthy twin. Feel free to contact me if you can practical info x

Cote I wasn't telling you what to post, I just suggest if you don't have anything helpful to say then keep it to yourself.

This kind of thread is NOT the place for a debate on termination/pro choice, and whatever you say that comment was a pro choice dig at the op which is totally uncalled for here when someone is asking for advice on the most difficult decision they are likely to have to make.

Very sorry you're in this situation. In your shoes I would do as the professionals have recommended and terminate the unwell twin, since sadly the unwell twin is unlikely to survive with quality of life and if you continue with the twin pregnancy late miscarriage or stillbirth seems more likely than 5%.

Cote, your post was insensitive and unhelpful. There's a time and place, ffs, and this isn't it. Talk about kicking OP while she's down

It sounds like not terminating will leave you, and both babies, in a much more serious position. UT who has no chance of a good quality of life (if any) can go ahead and make the currently HT poorly. It would mean as each week went past the spectre of miscarriage would grow as your body would seek to end the situation itself. A medical termination is surely the safest option for you and HT?

It's all fairly clear from an outsider's position but I do get that when it's your own body it feels very different. If it was just a case of one baby being disabled (but having an OK quality of life) then the decision would be easier. But you have another to think about here, and that is tipping the balance.

"
Life has a way of teaching us the error of our ways, doesn't it? sad flowers"

Cote this a completely stupid and ridiculous post. And breathtakingly insensitive. We can only hope you are still drunk from last night or something.

First off this is not the place for a pro life/pro choice debate.

2ndly, the OP is entitled to be either of the above and her current situation is not some
Sort of retribution for her position.

3rdly, any pro life viewholders are not erroneous - their beliefs are as valid as any others.

Please go away if you have nothing useful to contribute. Any fool can see this thread is a sensitive one.

I didn't kick the OP at all. Are the in my post not visible to you? And I told her what I would do in her position, which is what she seemed to be asking.

It is a terrible position to be in, but the rational choice for the sake of both her babies, is to terminate the undeveloped twin - as soon as possible.

Good luck, OP. I hope you didn't think I was attacking you

I underwent a selective termination from 4 to 2 babies. It was hard but I have no regrets about my decision and have healthy twins. I really couldn't have coped with four at once, for various reasons. Lack of family support, being the sole breadwinner, living in a small flat, lengthy hospital stay etc.

The operation was tough, I was conscious throughout. In my case it took a lot longer than usual as one foetus was smaller than the others but was hard to reach. I had some slight bleeding afterwards but the rest of the pregnancy went smoothly.

I also had a hard time conceiving, two miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy. We lost 5 babies in total. One of my twins was premature so spent two weeks in NICU. If I hadn't have had the reduction, he might not have made it. For that alone I know I made the right decision. Good luck with your decision, whatever you decide.

Cote, what a ducking ridiculous thing to say!
The op said it was her personal feelings and she didn't judge anyone else's actions or decisions.

How low to come on to such a thread and post a nasty passive aggressive comment.

Nice auto correct there Apple!

I haven't had a termination, however I had a baby and, had her condition been picked up on in pregnancy, I would have been faced with the choice.

As difficult as it is to say, after watching what my daughter went through (I won't go into details) I would have 100% made the choice to terminate, for her sake. I feel guilty every single day about what she went through because it wasn't picked up on.

There is a lot of help out there for whatever choice you make.

Please be kind to yourself, what you are facing is huge, and there is no 'right' answer. All you can do is what is best for your whole family.

I'm so sorry you are facing this.

Fucking. The word is fucking. With an f.

I wasn't being passive-aggressive, neither was I attacking the OP. You people are derailing the thread and I will stop answering you now.

If CoteDAzure was having a dig then I missed it.

No one could not be sorry for the position in which the OP finds herself - but she used the word mortified which implies strong discomfort/repugnance at the possibility of now being grouped with "bad" women who, for whatever reason, take the decision to terminate.

What I took from Cote's post is that most people take difficult decisions in difficult circumstances - other women who have taken this decision in other circumstances are not "worse".

One last word: I wasn't attacking OP. I was sympathising with her. I have also had previously high-and-mighty opinions forcibly changed through personal tragedy.

Good luck OP. I'll leave this thread now.

Op, what a hard situation. I would be increasingly frightened of losing both babies if it was me. I have had a few miscarriages, and I guess I would expect nature to take its course with the sick twin. I'm not sure I could live with the fear of losing both of them for the sake of waiting for further confirmation of how very very sick the ill twin is, again, if it was me.

My very best wishes.

Major projection and extrapolation there Gruach

Leave it out Cote. And take your 'high and mighty' with you.

I would save the healthy child. This must be so hard for you to go through, I wish you strength and hope the healthy child survives and is well.

Did you not read the post immediately after? I know very well that the word is fucking but Apple clearly finds it offensive and corrects it to ducking.

Chatty, I'm so sorry, you are dealing with this really well.

Don't think Cote meant to offend, I think she was just referring to the part of the op where it says 'mortified to be in this position'.

There's no need to be mortified by having to have a termination, millions of women have to go through this, for lots and lots of different reasons, ranging from medical, to social to emotional. No one reason is better or more valid than the next and no one should feel stigmatised by this.

Reading through the thread, I found the 'playing god' comment much less helpful. Don't try to make the Op feel guilty for doing the logical thing here.

I don't think Cote was being hurtful.