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This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Pregnancy choices

8 weeks pregnant and am being pushed to get an abortion

19 replies

whatnext37 · 07/10/2015 22:29

Hey
I'm not even sure if this is the place for it but I just feel alone and need someone to talk to.
I am pregnant. It is the result of a one night stand.
I have in the past had some concerns around my reproductive health, I lost an ovary about 10 years ago, and more recently had to have surgery to remove a fibroid that grew to 9 pounds.
I have never tried to get pregnant, and I thought we had been safe in using condoms although I now believe the guy may have taken his chances.
I've been straight with the guy from the off and we met face to face tonight. He is desperate for me to terminate. He has threatened all sorts of nasty stuff and says he will do anything to make sure I don't have the baby.
I just feel so afraid of what to do next.
I want this baby so badly but i don;t want it to grow up feeling unwanted. I don't want it to be born into a conflict environment.
He says I should be happy that now I know I can get pregnant I should terminate and find a proper relationship. Boy. I wish that was my situation but I already feel connected to this little one and what if this really is my only chance? Just because it happened easily this time doesn;t mean it would again. He says i am ruining his life. I feel awful. Am I being cruel having this child in these circumstances? Is the kindest thing to terminate? Being a single mum will be hard but i really want this baby. Oh, i'm sorry, I just thought i might find someone on here who had been in a similar situation.
Thanks in advance for any thoughts.

OP posts:
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PontyGirl · 07/10/2015 22:32

If he has threatened you, you absolutely need to go the police.

Don't end the pregnancy if you don't want to.

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backtowork2015 · 08/10/2015 06:43

This baby won't feel unwanted. You want it. Don't be bullied into a termination, there's obviously no future with it's father but you and your baby can have a lovely future

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Sirzy · 08/10/2015 06:47

He can't force you into anything.

DS father has had nothing to do with him since he was a week old. His choice and his loss. DS is still loved and very much wanted as a member of my family.

Please do what you want not what this idiot wants you to do.

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Slugonthewindow · 08/10/2015 06:57

The baby will be wanted, by you.

If he 'took his chances' (do you mean he didn't use contraception against your knowledge or wishes?) then he needs to accept that pregnancy happens.

It's entirely your choice - if you are prepared to raise the baby then go for it. It's your choice. Don't let him bully you into something you would regret.

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pnutter · 08/10/2015 07:03

Do not let this horrible man bully you
Tell someone in rl get some support and yes maybe even call the police to warn him off you
You can definitely bring up baby alone if that's what you want. And he or she just needs you
Having a termination when unsure will be a disaster for you. You can get counselling at clinics such as Marie Stopes and BPAS if you want it
Most importantly get help to deal with this man he sounds scary .

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Whoknewitcouldbeso · 08/10/2015 07:09

What sort of person is he do you think? Could he hurt you or do you think the threats are all hot air?

I know I sound a bit dramatic but I've read too many stories recently of guys getting other people to do horrible things to women carrying their babies to ensure they lose the child and as this was a ONS I wonder if you have any clue what sort of person you are dealing with?

If you are sure he isn't a nutcase then my advice would be not to let him pressurise you into an abortion and to go ahead with the pregnancy on your own. If you do decide to do that I would not be informing him of scan dates or trying to keep him informed at all. Let him disappear under a rock and there is a good chance he may change his mind as time goes on and decide he wants to see his child.

I think a lot of this early knee jerk reaction is to do with money and the fact they will have to pay for a child they don't want for 18 years. I have no idea how the child maintenance organisation even works anymore but it would be wise to get as informed as possible before the birth how you are going to cope financially. There has been so many changes to welfare lately too that you need to know what you will be bringing in and whether you will be able to afford childcare and go back to work etc.

Information is definitely power. Good luck xxx

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PrincessHairyMclary · 08/10/2015 07:16

Being a single parent isn't always hard and is infinitely better than bringing up a child in a conflicted household. I've been on my own with DD since I found out I was preg, she is brilliant and I love that it's just the two if us (her dad sees her once a week and pays cm) the first few years involved court etc but works ok now.

If you don't know him well The guy is probably married / has a girlfriend and cheating which is why you've ruined his life. Having sex always has the chance of ending in pregnancy.

He doesn't have to be involved, doesn't have to go on the birth certificate but you absolutely should apply through the official channels for child support.

Men can be twats, prepare for nastiness and threats, ALWAyS keep a log of everything he says/texts/emails.

Good luck and congratulations

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slightlyconfused85 · 08/10/2015 08:14

Don't terminate your baby if you don't want to. He doesn't have to have anything to do with the baby if he doesn't want to but you and your baby will be happy and fine.
I speak from experience- I had a termination in your position and have regretted it forever. I do now have 2 lovely children but it wasn't guaranteed and I still feel regretful for the baby I didn't have too.

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Anastasie · 08/10/2015 08:22

I've been in a similar situation without the threats.

My advice to you would be, to cut all contact with him - would this be feasible? Do NOT continue a friendship with him or any sort of relationship AT ALL, because he will probably cause a nuisance to you and your child for a very long time, whether he changes his mind and decides to harass you for contact, then doesn't show up, whether he just argues all the time, tries to control you, or seeks to carry out his threats. This man is NOT a suitable father in any way, shape or form and you are best cutting him off like you would any other abusive bastard. Now.

Are you living near him, do you have mutual friends? This makes it harder. Please think about your options in terms of moving away if so, before you have the baby.

My actual advice is to either cut him off and never have any contact again or tell him you are going to terminate, then cut him off and have no more contact ever again. And obviously don't terminate because you do not want to, or have to, and you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

I am sure others will flame me for this advice but it is now about your happiness and security and safety, and that of your baby, and nothing to do with his rights at all as he has negated them entirely with his appalling behaviour.

I am sorry you are in this position but the best way is to get him out of your lives permanently ASAP and never look back. Flowers

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Anastasie · 08/10/2015 08:25

What I mean is, tell him whatever it takes to get him out of your life permanently. If it means lying then do so, though you will have to be sure no one will tell him if you continue the pregnancy.

He needs to be gone and to have forgotten about you ideally or you will not sleep at night.

So do whatever it takes to make sure it is over with him for good. Then make your choice without the fear.

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whatnext37 · 08/10/2015 09:41

Although that means I wouldn't be able to claim CS if I needed to and that if have to lie to my child... Neither of those things sit comfortably at the moment - thx for your reply, appreciated

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Anastasie · 08/10/2015 09:49

I understand, I hate lying and very rarely do it.

You wouldn't have to lie to your child.

Regarding child support, yes, it would mean you could not claim that. I took the decision not to bother with it, because I knew that our lives would be far better without him and that he would use CS as a way of trying to control us and also something to argue about.

I thought it better to avoid the environment that was filled with conflict.

This man does not want to be a father. You have to take that on board, and count him out of the equation if you want a peaceful life.

You could take a risk on him paying up while not hassling you. It's unlikely he will do one without the other, by the sound of it.

I knew what was most important to me and so I forgot about the CS and we got on with our lives. I don'tregret that decision at all.

You will still be entitled to benefits, fwiw.

Good luck making your decision. Please don't assume he will change, and think ahead and imagine dealing with this rubbish for the next 18 years or more. Your child will IMO be far happier if you aren't going through that. They need only one parent who is stable; having two in a situation of conflict and instability is far far worse.

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ppandj · 08/10/2015 09:50

OP please talk to someone in rl- a family planning clinic will give you some advice on what to do next and offer reassurance. Do what you feel is right for YOU Thanks

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Anastasie · 08/10/2015 09:52

By the way I didn't lie to him in my case - but I was very lucky and he didn't turn up to see our child and he kept away entirely. It would have been different if I'd made him pay, but I jumped through some hoops (which you had to then) in order not to have him contacted. I didn't tell him this. I just did it.

I wished though that I had lied, in order to keep us safe and secure and free from being frightened.

You must do whatever you feel is best. I'll shut up now Smile

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Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 08/10/2015 10:19

If you really want to have the baby then that is your choice, but I would do as suggested and just cut him off totally.

If he is such a nasty piece of work, why would you want him to be involved with your child at all?

When you say 'took his chances' what do you mean? If he used a condom he used a condom, a pregnancy is still possible. You would have known, surely, if he had pretended to use one?

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MummyBex1985 · 10/10/2015 15:10

I would cut contact with him too. At least until it's too late for him to be pressuring you into an abortion.

You don't have to have him involved in your life or your child's if you decide to go ahead. If you have potential fertility issues then worst case scenario is that something could go wrong during the termination which makes it worse (it's unlikely but still possible).

The guy sounds like an ass. Don't let him influence your decision. Work out your finances and if you can do it alone, sod him. Oh and I agree about telling the police if he's physically threatened you.

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KittyandTeal · 10/10/2015 15:19

Can you not just tell him you will he having the baby but not naming him on the birth certificate. That essentially he is not a father but as sperm donor and he will not be required to see it pay for the baby.
(Assuming this is what you want)

I would not terminate a baby that you quite clearly want. I had a tfmr, my baby would have died soon anyway but it was still the hardest thing I have ever done. I am very pro choice and any woman who wants a termination should have one, however, you are already attached and want thai baby. Please keep him or her and live as a single parent.

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tuilamum · 02/11/2015 13:54

My friend has a baby girl, the dad didn't want to know so she told him to get stuffed and that she'd raise her DD on her own. She's a great mum and is now in a happy relationship with someone who loves her and accepts her daughter. If you want this baby, have the baby, and tell him you don't need or want anything from him. You can be a great mum without this SOAB Flowers

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KitZacJak · 12/11/2015 11:21

Do what you want to do. It's not an ideal situation but plenty of people manage on their own. From what you have said it sounds like you would regret not taking this chance.

Is it possible to cut contact with him completely? Does he know where you live or do you have friends in common?

I would log any threat with the police.

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