Too late for an abortion. Having so many regrets

[Anais447]

I'm currently 27/28 weeks pregnant, with baby due in December and I have a feeling that life won't go the way I want it to go because I am now responsible for another human being. This will take up my time and money (which I don't have), so I'm really not cut out for this being a parent business.

I do have a partner, but our relationship has been rocky over the last 4/5 months. I know he won't step up the the plate of being a father because he's irresponsible and selfish. He smokes cannabis everyday, he leaves the housework and cooking down to me and he can't be bothered to walk HIS aggressive dog. He doesn't need to worry about life and his finances because he's been spoiled throughout his childhood. He has a few hundred thousand in the bank so he can live it up and be selfish whilst I struggle to finish my education and scrape together what ever money I can get my hands on.

I've completed a year at very reputable university, with a very high mark. I currently live in London, and I have submitted a form to intermit for the year, returning in Sept/Oct 2016. I don't want to leave as I know I'll never get on to the career ladder and earn a good wage. I grew up in poverty in the UK so I am trying to escape this. I'll be back to square one if I give up my degree and a career. I don't want to be stuck in minimum wage jobs, miserable for the rest of my life. I would ask family for help but they can't. My siblings are all at university, my mother is disabled and my dad has another family.

What can I do? MY only option right now is adoption. I can't hand my baby over to a spoilt brat who's off his head everyday can I?

You don't have a partner, you have a millstone around your neck.

Whatever you do about your baby, get away from this useless twat.

Are you in university now? Do you have access to their counselling services?

Adoption might be the right answer for you and your baby, but it's a huge decision, and not one to make without support.

However hopeless things seem now, there is plenty to look forward to in your future - you are obviously bright and capable.

Babies are a lot of hard work and change your life forever, but they also bring a lot of joy and hope.

I doubt this waste of oxygen will bother with his offspring, so hopefully your child will be untroubled by their crap father.

Will the baby's father contribute financially? As he has money, would he pay for childcare while you are at college - you could spin it that it would be easier for him than having the baby all day? Actually, does your university offer any childcare options?

You are the poster with the DP with £500k in the bank who can't claim benefits aren't you?

You will be better off alone.

He isn't a partner but a noose around your neck.

No, you can't. But you can leave him and start fresh, be a single mum and finish your uni course.
You are in the very fortunate situation of having the chance to finish your education - assuming finance is in place for that.

Get as much help as there is out there. Contact your uni, they may have help in place for single student mums.

Yes, you are responsible for another human being - so put your education first, sort out childcare / funding for next year and cut the loser out of your life.

He will have to pay CM, I know it's not much, but a start. Babies don't need much at first. It's easy to forget this when reading on MN. I had my first when we didn't have much money and almost everything was second hand.

Good luck for the future, OP. You sound like you are determined enough to break the poverty cycle, but you need support (uni, benefits) and it sounds like you would be better off on your own.

If the father to be is off his head all the time you won't have a problem with him having unsupervised access. He won't get it.

Given his savings, the CM he has to pay might not be insignificant.

Are you in university now? Do you have access to their counselling services?

No not now. I'm taking the year out. They do but I don't that would be of much help.

Will the baby's father contribute financially? As he has money, would he pay for childcare while you are at college - you could spin it that it would be easier for him than having the baby all day? Actually, does your university offer any childcare options?

He said he will contribute towards the baby, but any ,money I ask for be it for food or travel, he gets pissy. I looked at Child maintenance and it said I would get roughly 114 per week for my DD but They would also deduct £20 per payment I think if I can't arrange anything with him before I go to them. My university has a creche on campus.

You are the poster with the DP with £500k in the bank who can't claim benefits aren't you?

Yes I am. I read all the replies in the thread I made but I decided not to update. I spoke to him about marriage and he said he doesn't want me to have half of his assets. I'm not after his money. I don't want half of his assets. I just need a bit of financial help. He's currently on holiday for a week with his friend. He returns on Friday. I was thinking of packing my stuff and staying at my mums. We've been speaking and she needs me at the moment. I don't want to see his face.

You sound like you are determined enough to break the poverty cycle

I fear I may never get out of it. That's why I'm considering adoption. After or during my degree I would need to do internships, get lots of experience, probably do further study and network. How would this be possible with child in tow? I'm trying to get into investment banking. How many single mothers work in this industry? Probably none.

Oh gosh sounds like you're in a right predicament. What a shame he is being so unhelpful towards you. If you pulled together as a team you could really make this work, does he not want you to be successful or something?

I'm sure many women do make a career for themselves but I agree the timing doesn't sound great. Have a look on the adoption boards if it's what you want, it may give you a better idea. I don't imagine it will be easy though. Sending you positive hugs

I do think you need to approach the university and see exactly how much they can offer. Maybe there isn't much but unless you investigate you will never know.

How longs are the terms at university?. You need to price up childcare and get some spreadsheets going. Childcare is easier ( if expensive) prior to them starting school.

You need to leave your partner. You can't bring a baby into the house with an aggressive dog and he is dragging you down. Also I get the feeling that in the future when you are successful and fulfilled he isn't someone you will want to share his life with.

Can you tell us the degree you are doing or the career you want to pursue? No doubt there are mumsneters who have been there and can tell you what is and isn't feasible. They may also have some suggestions for what you could do that you hadn't considered.

Sorry just seen investment banking. I know nothing about that. What is the degree subject?

OP, if there is on-site childcare, can't you use that?

I'd get shot of him and his vicious dog, it seems you'll be better off financially and he will have to contribute, don't they enforce these things?

Remember babies grow up and are in school full time at the age of 4. You also can't see your future, imagine how you'd feel if you met a man who will actually take on his role as he should, and end up very happy indeed? Hard to imagine now, but I know when I've been with a bad relationship I've believed there won't be a good one out there for me. And I was wrong.

Hang in there, don't make rash decisions. I know you said counselling won't help but it might just solidify your inner resolve for a certain action. It can sometimes facilitate topping into our inner strength and wisdom. Worth a shot anyway, what have you got to lose?

I can't hand my baby over to a spoilt brat who's off his head everyday can I?
No, and you can't continue with him.

Chase up the University, the council, CAB, and move out. Pester your dad too. He is your family.

Is there a Uni counsellor? They may be good to analyse what you can do and how the University can help.
Could you even do part of your degree online? Many Universities now offer this option too.

Saw your other thread, you need to leave him so you can get some financial help. Once you have done that, then take some time to consider the options. There is no need to rush into anything.

My DH works in an investment bank and I have done. I have met single parents, but always in middle or back office roles, they aren't badly paid. However there are many different areas in financial services and only considering investment banks is short sighted and a very long way off. Tackle your day to day situation first.

If adoption is actually what you want to do then do it.
Is it?
I don't know why all the replies are focused on making it work (& struggling ) as a single parent.
You could have a fresh start, get shot of that crappy boyfriend , use your brain and your education and have a wonderful future.
People seem to be able to choose an abortion easier then making the decision to put a baby up for adoption and I'm not sure why that is.
I'm an adoptee by the way, my mother went on to have a wonderful career.

Jackie0 Because it seems like the OP is talking out of desperation and feeling like she's been boxed into a corner. And quite frankly, I'm sorry she missed her window to have an abortion. (Credentials - someone who genuinely wishes her mother had aborted her, and put her own health and happiness first for once.)

Adoption is a far better decision when made pragmatically, not because someone feels they're being forced into it. And she's not the only parent - it's entirely possible the babys father could object to the adoption, take over parenting himself, and then OP's worst nightmare has come true - her child stuck with a spoilt druggy brat of a father. He does have rights too, and if she is considering adoption it would be a good idea to find out his feelings on that.

Righty.
I work in investment banking. I don't have a single qualification above GCSE level and I am a single mother who's father is a deadbeat that vanished within months of him being conceived.

You can do it, you will get there, but if you're anything like me you need to dramatically lower your expectations to start with and realise your planned life has just taken a little detour via other things.

Might I suggest telling 'D'P to sling his hook, so you can spend the next few months adjusting to being happy in your own? It's amazing what a difference of perspective you will have when he isn't dragging you down.

As for the career side, yes it's great, yes it's hard work, but it's more than doable. As I said, I didn't do uni. I went straight into 'normal' banking, took a risk and got into the city by working my backside off- it definitely wasn't easy though and was obviously pre baby.

You need to work out what is most important at this stage to you, which i think will be easier when one of your biggest worries has been eradicated.

Another one who agrees get rid of the weight around your neck.

Pregnancy is to be enjoyed, I can see why you can't enjoy it with him hanging round.

Why not take one step at a time and see how you feel once baby arrives? If you really can't see a way through then by all means adopt. There are many childless couples who would love to adopt a baby. You don't have to decide right now, do you?

I know people may say you need to decide now so you can either invest emotionally or distance yourself, but the truth is your little baby is part of you whether you like it or not, that's a huge emotional journey already. Denying that would be futile, you might as well allow yourself to have those emotions and still do what's best for you and baby.

Also there is a chance your bleak outlook could be prenatal depression, as well as fear of history (poverty) repeating itself. The thing is, although you're a complete stranger, your strength and determination come across in your posts and I can't see you'd end up on the bread line. Like someone else said, why not try and see this as a detour? I'm a great believer in your internal compass always pointing you to North, no matter how many detours east and west you take to get there.

Your uni has a creche on site - that's brilliant. Is it like a full time nursery though? You might be better off with one, where you can leave your child when there are no lectures.

You have several choices. Gather information about each and every one and then see how you feel. Nobody can tell you how you will cope with a baby and a stressful career. For some people, being at home with a baby sent them over the edge. Others have successfully studied with LO in tow.

I know women in investment banking, it is tough, yes, but nobody forces you to do 20 hour days when your child is still young. You could start slowly and then put in the hours when your child is a bit older. You will still be very young then!

I don't want to persuade you to keep the baby. I would just suggest you get rid of the most stressing factor (your partner) in your life and then take your time to make a decision about your baby.

I've read your other thread also.

I get and understand that you don't want you and your child to live in poverty and you want a better life. However you have completed one year of a degree at a good university, you have your whole life ahead of you. Yes in the short term things won't be as you hoped but lots of single mums have good jobs. All the ones I know do , although probably not as investment bankers in the city. It is possible to study with a small baby, I finished a master's degree when dd1 was tiny.

I would look at other options for finishing your degree, you may well be able to transfer the credits to somewhere more workable. Things will also be easier with mum to support, but that may well be out of your control.

What do you want, OP?

Adoption is clearly not the only option, but it is an option, and only you can decide what is best.

Adoption may be a very good outcome for everyone (you, the baby and the adoptive parents), and there is nothing wrong at all with recognising that you want and need to give the baby for adoption.

But if you want to keep the baby, then you must keep the baby. Someone with your prospects stands a very good chance of making it work very well, with the right support.

I suggest you seek professional counselling, because this is a huge decision. Good luck.

Oh,and fwiw I would definitely LTB. X

Think of the scenario if you did choose adoption. Are you 100% happy that in 5yrs time when you're in a better situation you're not going to regret it? If it is right for you then go ahead but get support and guidance first, don't make a life changing decision based on a temporary state of emotion. Of course adoption is good option and maybe even a solution. What about getting help and bugger that waste of space off, see how you cope with the baby for a few months and then if you're still set on it, putting LO up for adoption. If it truly isn't the right time and you think you won't regret it then do it. I know I don't know you but I just don't want you to be years down the line and say not have the career break you thought you would and end up regretting giving up your child because the system has let you down and you don't have the support you need. Then again it'll be 18yrs and then they might come and find you and by then you'll hopefully have a successful career. Best of luck and I hope life looks up either way.