Please help me

[milkyman]

Have a 3 yr old ds and am 9 weeks pg - unplanned. I was happy before but havent stopped crying since i found out. Ii am devastated - selfish i know as many would l love to be in my position. Dont think i can cope with another baby. Had a traumatic birth, pnd and found the relentless boredom and lonliness hard to bear. Have a supportive ds but i an in a black hole. I am also 40 and worried of impact on everything. Midwife supportive, had a counselling session but nothing helping.

Sorry you're having such a hard time..

You say you felt happy about it initially,do you think it could be antenatal depression causing you to feel like this? Or just the thought of having another child?

How are things with your dc now, if they are manageable at least you'll know this time that the baby/toddler stage does end..

Have you told your mw how you're feeling?

If you do feel you want a termination you could make an initial appointment while you think about things, that way you're in the system if it is what you want...

A friend of mine had a traumatic birth with her first. She had an elective c-section because of her absolute terror of giving birth. Much better experience the second time. Second babies are usually easier to deliver. A different friend had pnd and for her next pregnancy she had a lot of support and extra care from the midwives and health visitors to make sure it didn't happen again. It didn't. Talk honestly to your midwife. There are lots of things that can be done to help you.

No one can make the decision for you. If termination is right for you then go for it and feel supported.

I think it's the idea of going through it all again - at 40 I feel too old. I feel so sad.

Can I ask what in particular is worrying and upsetting you the most? Obviously it is not a pleasant situation to be in in general, but it might help to try and sort out which particular bits are upsetting you the most.

You don't have to have another child if you don't want to. Many, many women in your position will have had a termination. Because sometimes you have to think about the family you already have, and what is best for you, your DH and your DC.

Equally, if you are more worried about the pregnancy and the birth than having another DC, there are people who can support you and decisions that can be made to try and make things easier.

Remember that right now you have had a shock, and you are awash with hormones, and you are facing making a difficult decision one way or another. Of course you feel sad.

However the advice that another MN gave me when I was in your situation has always stuck with me - that sometimes the upset, the fear, the worry is all about the situation you had found yourself in, and how shocked and unfair you feel it. And it is very hard to separate that out from the decision you have to make.

Do you feel you can tell us whether it is the pregnancy, the birth or having another DC that scares you most?

I think a second baby is very different from the first -they tend to slot in around your life so you don't have that time where you just watch your baby sleeping, etc.

I'm not saying that it will be easy, but it is different, I think.

You have to listen to yourself, my lovely. As others have said the 'shock' of having a second child is nothing compared to that of the first, purely because you are already living the life of a mother. X

Great post by thurlow

milkyman Were you happy when you found out you were pregnant?

Is this a sudden feeling of panic?

Please don't think you are selfish if you do choose a termination.

Many of us have chosen this option

I had a traumatic birth with my first dc, suffered terrible pnd that went on for two years. Dc2 is six years younger and although I was terrified through the whole pregnancy it was a totally different experience. I bonded straight away and everyone was watching for signs of pnd much more closely. My delivery was the positive experience I needed to get over the trauma and also, as pp have said, the whole newborn stage is less daunting second time around. You know there's an end in sight when you're up through the night or when they're teething whereas with my first I felt like I was never going to have a normal life ever again. Only you know what's the right thing for you but please know that it doesn't have to be a repeat of your previous experience. Have you been in touch with the Birth Trauma Association? I found them helpful and also book an appointment at the hospital where you had your first for a debrief with a midwife. They will go through your notes from your first delivery and talk through with you what happened and why, I found it quite reassuring to know the chances of it all happening again.

All of it - the pregnancy, birth but mostly the sleeplesd nights and thought of starting again. I have had sadly not one ounce of excitement - i am terrible. Mw was amazing she totally got it. Said it was probably easier to justify an abortion if circumstances affect decision eg age, financial reasons, relationship etc... i have a lovely dh, financially stable but it is all emotional. I feel too old at 40 - i could hit the menopause soon and the risks of an unhealthy baby. But the other option - not sure i could live that either.

OK. You've spoken to your midwife and she is supportive and that's great.

The thing you need to focus on is that this was unplanned. This was an accident, though whatever means. You didn't plan to be in this situation. You didn't plan to get pregnant and then change your mind a few weeks in. An accident happened. It happens to thousands of women every year, on every different form of contraception.

It's ok to feel that you can't do it again. It's ok to not feel excited. I terminated an accidental pregnancy when my DC was 2 because I just knew, immediately, as a very deep gut reaction, that I was not ready to go through the sickness and the sleepless nights and the terrible impact financially on the family if we had a 2nd DC then.

Many thousands of women have had a termination because they know they can't go through it again.

Have you read Caitlin Moran on terminations? She talks about how she feels it is a more loving choice, sometimes, to have that termination as by being a parent and understanding what is involved in raising a child, you are even more able to rationally and, with love for your family and yourself and the new pregnancy, say that it is not the right thing for anyone to do.

This is a horrible time. Sadly, neither decision is easy and, sadly, both decisions are something that you will need to take time and care to get through. There is probably no choice that feels like the "right" choice for you. But there might be one that feels like the "least wrong" choice.

Take your time, keep talking to your husband. Call Marie Stopes and ask to talk to one of their counsellors.

This is hard. Most of us posting here know that. It is horribly hard. But you need to try and imagine what you can cope with least - another child, or a termination?

x

Thurlow that is a fabulous post, and applies to me too. Thank you