Termination without telling dh

[Breathingisnthelping]

Hullo, I have been advised to move this post here. We are in our 40s with one dc. I was horrified when I found I was pg but dh was delighted. We are very likely to soon have no income and I will have no chance of getting another job when I am obviously pg. there are long waiting lists for childcare where we live so I don't see how I can get another job till second child starts school when I will be almost 50 ( can't ask a prospective employer to hold the job for up to a year whilst you organise childcare!)i am scared another child will just lead to us being poor for the rest of our lives. And frankly, I just think we are already too tired and chasing our own arses and behind on everything all the time already, and won't cope with another kid ( we have no family help).
But dh says he doesn't disagree with me but he can't be unhappy about another little one. So I am scared to have child but scared of lifelong guilt if dc is ever lonely and of depriving dh of a child he wants. To be clear, dh knows I am very unhappy about being pg and why, but he I happy and will never agree to a termination.
I feel trapped and panicked and hopeless and just can't see any light at all.

He doesn't need to agree to a termination, this is your body and you get to make the decision. If you know that you want to terminate then you should do so.

I did actually keep my termination secret from my ex because I knew the guilt tripping I'd get if he knew about it but I'd kept the pregnancy secret from him too so it wasn't that difficult. Your DH obviously knows about the pregnancy, would you tell him you'd miscarried? Wouldn't he want to come along to medical appointments to support you if he thought you were miscarrying? It's not just keeping a secret but lying as well and that isn't going to be easy.

Don't feel guilty. There are plenty of only children out there who are happy and well-adjusted and plenty of siblings who just don't get on. Your DH might be upset but he's not the one dealing with the pregnancy, the birth and the implications for his career. It's you. You get to make this decision.

Please call BPAS or Marie Stopes for somebody to have an impartial chat with, that's what they're there for. And see your GP or FPC as well.
Feel free to ask my any questions if you have any and I'll try to help as best I can.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

I also came on to say he doesn't need to agree.

If you same here saying you wanted to keep the baby and dh wanted you to terminate i'd advise you to keep the baby. It's a no-brainer. And it's the same the other way round. It sounds like you'd be lumbered with the majority of the childcare and it's you who'll be unable to get a job for years. You sound like you feel your life will be negatively affected by having another child. If you don't want to be pregnant and raise a child then it's your choice to terminate.

I wouldn't advise keeping it from dh. That's a big secret to keep forever and it's likely that you'll need some support during and after the termination.

Is he generally supportive of you? I understand that he may be distraught by the thought of a termination but that's no reason to continue with a pregnancy.

It's your body and so its your decision but I don't think you can keep this from your DH.

He needs to at least be informed of your decision. I can see why it might be tempting to hide it because short-term that feels easier but long-term that is going to be much more difficult. You will always be worried that he may find out, plus will you be ableto support each other when he is grieving what he will presumably believe is a miscarriage and you are instead recovering from a termination?

If you lie I think this is the kind of thing which will destroy your marriage, either because he finds out about the deceit or because the guilt and stress of maintaining the lie is too much for you.

I hope you are able to talk to your DH about the decision you have made and that he is able to support you in your decision even if it is not what he would have chosen. Good luck

It is your body and your call but a secret termination is a bad , bad idea unless you are in an abusive relationship.

Are you in the UK? The logistics, especially given an existing child and therfore very scheduled time, are likely to be hard.

The emotions even more so. This will have to be a secret forever. If it ever comes out it may well end your marriage. You will have to pretend to grieve the miscarriage to some degree. Support him as he does.

I don't think lies are the answer.

Sorry for what you are going through.

Thanks everyone for your helpful and constructive thoughts.

Good luck.

Good luck.

Hope you're holding up ok look after yourself.

I terminated against my OH's wishes, he knew about the pregnancy, wanted me to keep it but I had severe mental health issues and felt I couldn't continue. It was very hard to get through afterwards but we did. I do hope you're okay and I can sympathise with your situation so much

Please think carefully about all this. In your other thread you said that your dh is thinking of starting up a new business. There is a huge chance that it could be a great success, and soon ( we are out of recession now). If you terminate you could regret not having that baby later on. I have seen this happen so many times. Please try not to fear what lies ahead in the future.

You have no idea what the future will bring, chandelier. With respect, the op wanted opinions on whether or not she should terminate without telling her dh, not about whether she should terminate at all.

Your post is very kind but i don't think it's particularly helpful.

I hope you're okay op

I wonder what you did OP as I was there and decided not to terminate as DH would not have supported me and I could not lie. Upshot is that I'm in the awful place of kinda regretting it. The pregnancy was badly timed and having another child meant career goals not met / finances have suffered. It's a horrible thing to admit. When I have admitted this to DH we have had terrible arguments.